"AS I LIVE AND BREATHE, YOU HAVE KILLED ME"

Every year on New Years' Eve, or New Year's Day, I write some kind of inventory. I think about the past year, good and bad, successes and failures, wrong turns and happy accidents and then I think about what I want the coming year to look like, how I hope for it to manifest and what I want to learn, accomplish and experience. During Chanukkah, I found a really cool list that the lovely, sassy and wonderful Ms. Sizzle created. She wrote 100 things about herself in a refreshingly unapologetic, humorous and sweet way and I wanted to try to do the same.

2006 was a pretty great year for me. My novel came to life thanks to James at So New Publishing. I traveled a lot to promote it. I worked on learning to stop more and listen to myself better. I took good care of myself spiritually. I had a really great birthday. I quit being shy about how much I like Jazz. I did a lot of colorful things to my hair. I stood up for myself when I needed to. I made a lot of new friends. I cut through some nonsense with old friends. I took care of things that needed to be taken care of. I took care of myself. I said no when I meant no and said yes when I meant yes.

So, for the first time ever, I'm sharing my New Year Inventory and plunking it right out there in the blogosphere. I've never ever shared one of these in my life, but new year, new idea.

1. I have worn glasses since I was 9 or 10. My opthamologist sees (har har) reading glasses in my near future, and lately, I think she might be right.

2. I have a big scar on my left thigh near my hip from a burn, and a scar on the back of my left hand from a stab wound. Yes, a stab wound.

3. I once wanted to be an ice skater, once wanted to be a pilot, but I always wanted to be a writer.

4. I think my feet, my collar bone and nose are all pretty.

5. No matter how many pushups I do or do not do, I just don't love my upper arms. The rest is okay with me, though.

6. I am a good singer and sing all the time to the slight irritation of those around me regularly, I'm sure.

7. I like kayaking and love canoeing, but don't do either one very often.

8. I really want to learn how to SCUBA and tango. Not at the same time.

9. I am horribly bad at relaxing. I always have to feel like I'm doing something. When I try to just sit and do nothing, I feel like I'm wasting precious time.

10. I feel like a fierce g-ddess when I run five to ten miles in the middle of nowhere to great music. Eh, I feel pretty great when I have a good run on the treadmill, too.

11. Irish drinking songs, klezmer music, red Gatorade and Nutter Butters get me through a run if I'm struggling. Sometimes, though, I call it a bad running day and abort the mission.

12. The combination of smells of warm garlicky foods, nice perfume, coffee and wine makes me feel snug and happy because it reminds me of when I was a little girl and hanging around the swanky restaurants/clubs my dad worked in.

13. I have been an insomniac my entire life but having my eyebrows or hairline touched puts me right to sleep.

14. When I was little, my dad used to make "monster repellant" for me for nights he'd work late, consisting of water, lemons and his cologne. I would not go to sleep without giving the room a good spritz and roaring back at the monsters waiting to get me.

15. My dad taught me how to tell a story and how to negotiate, my mom taught me to appreciate nice little things like good perfume, girly candles and crossword puzzles.

16. I hold people to their word.

17. I don't cope well with "things said in anger" because I believe that deep down, they must be believed to be said.

18. I develop sort of a platonic crush on everyone I meet and connect with, male and female, based on their quirky, unique stuff.

19. I'm probably way too tolerant of peoples' quirks because I usually find them endearing and feel really hurt when I don't feel that wiggle room back in return.

20. I have a world of respect for my younger brother intellectually, I think he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, but I think he is a lousy speller.

21. I consider my younger brother a good friend and a really good person with great karma.

22. I am confident in front of a large crowd, or being tactful in a heart-to-heart, but terrible in schmoozy small group situations. I'm working on that.

23. I'm terrible in schmoozy situations because I hate answering the question, "So, what have you been up to?" as much as I hate, "So, how is work going?" because I work really, really hard to make sure things work out. But, talking about working hard to make sure things work out feels like bragging so I hate it.

24. I love dressing up.

25. The act of cleaning is extremely satisfying to me.

26. I'm a great cook but I suck at seasoning Chinese food.

27. I am mezmerized by shiny things. Uh, much like my cat.

28. I love spoiling my cat and babytalking him.

29. Favorite dayjobs have included construction, housepainting, housekeeper and coat check lady.

30. I hate disappointing people, including myself.

31. I had a mini-freakout when I was in my early twenties and feeling burned-out from doing too much and taking too much shit.

32. I dislike roses, but love dogwood flowers.

33. In late 2004, my car was hit by a giant pickup truck and my injuries made my knee completely different ever since, no matter how strong I make it. It's just different.

34. I lost a family member in a DUI accident and feel really strongly about drunk driving as a result.

35. There was a double-homicide in my family in the late 80s that remains unsolved.

36. I'm really glad I'm so intuitive and have learned to trust it more and more as I get older.

37. I'm bad about asking for help when I really need it.

38. I secretly like it when people just understand that I'm bad about asking for help and just help me anyway.

39. When I ask for help that involves information (rather than something like, "Hey, can you help me lift something heavy?") I feel threatened and then spend a little time afterwards convincing myself that I'm not an idiot just because I don't know everything there is to know.

40. I worry about bringing people down with too much seriousness. I think that is why I like to make people laugh.

41. I'm not afraid of death, only of dying too soon or meeting a violent end.

42. My great-grandmother was alive until 2001. Lots of women live a long time on both sides of my family. Probably out of spite.

43. Cattiness and competitiveness from other women makes me walk away sad.

44. I had three imaginary friends when I was a kid. One lived in the dryer, one was a ghost in the walls and one was a king.

45. I get tons of pleasure out of refilling things like soap dispensers, paper towels, cracker canisters and such.

46. I swear a lot and don't feel badly about that and I feel really insulted when people warn me to not swear in situations where swearing isn't, say, de riguer, as if I have no sense of judgement.

47. I crave salty/crunchy things when I am anxious like pickles, Cheese-Its, olives, tortilla chips, etc.

48. I have tattoos and want more of them.

49. I scream like a five-year-old when confronted with insects, but I respect their right to exist and won't kill them.

50. My favorite perfume is Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, but Chanel Chance will do in a pinch. Lately I've been getting into Vera Wang, though, too.

51. My favorite store is Anthropologie, but vintage/thrift stores and estate sales are fun to dig through.

52. I believe there is a Simpsons quote for every occasion and that a person can't be too much of a shit if they can quote the Simpsons regularly.

53. I am afraid of committing too solidly to much of anything because I am afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing myself.

54. I have a lot of gray hair that I cover up with bright colors.

55. My eyes cry involuntarily and I hyperventilate and feel faint when confronted with a needle. Sometimes I really do faint.

56. I smother my fries with ketchup, but am really happy to dab each fry into a little bit of mayo and ketchup mixed together.

57. Monty Python makes me just laugh and laugh.

58. My date to the prom was a gorgeous gay man who will be really famous any day now. Just wait and see.

59. I believe in celebrating the crap out of celebrations. Do it and mean it is my motto.

60. "Sleepwalk" by Santo & Johnny is one of my all-time favorite schmaltzy songs. So is "Never My Love" by The Association.

61. I like going to movies and museums and restaurants by myself just fine.

62. I think being sexy has more to do with laughing, being a good person and smelling good than anything else.

63. I believe you can convey mountains of information and ideas best with humor.

64. I think a healthy appetite for food, sex and laughter are really great qualities to have.

65. I type and walk fast.

66. I think it's possible to talk about religion with all kinds of people, as long as everyone involved is secure in their spirituality. Otherwise, people scream and get defensive and that isn't much fun. It is difficult to make me angry in a conversation about religion.

67. I've felt panicky and felt like a failure when I've been broke.

68. I secretly want to get a grad degree in Anhropology and go to Rabbinical school one day.

69. I do crosswords in ink.

70. I have grapheme/color synesthesia and ordinal/spatial synesthesia but didn't confirm that until I was in my late twenties. I hardly tell anyone because, well, how often does synesthesia come up in conversation?

71. I am a fierce defender of underdogs and really have a soft spot for other people who are, too.

72. My memory is outstanding for details, colors, sentences, faces and scents, but I can't remember names or where I put my cell phone hardly at all. Ask anyone. I misplace my cell phone constantly and haven't figured out a good system of prevention just yet. But, I will.

73. I learn languages pretty easily.

74. I'm very allergic to prickly pear fruit, and because I've been a vegetarian for so long, the things my body does when I've accidentally ingested animal protein might as well be called an allergic reaction, too. Bleh.

75. I think leaving a legacy is important.

76. I am not living up to my full potential but I will.

77. I love all kinds of people, but I'm not very tolerant of lack-of-ambition, stupidity and people who do really stupid things again and again to complicate their lives out of fear and dependency.

78. A half-hour of yoga changes my whole sense of well-being.

79. I think I look cute in the winter when my cheeks and nose turn pink.

80. I look great in hats of all kinds.

81. My ears get easily overwhelmed if there are several sound sources around me at once.

82. My landlady is really cool, my apartment is really great and I love my neighborhood.

83. I really want to buy a condo, though.

84. I have called both the DCFS and ASPCA on neighbors.

85. I still want to backpack around western Europe before I'm 40.

86. My first car was a Honda hatchback. I caught on fire the day I tried to trade it in on a better car.

87. I think a few quality things in a small but well-made and happy space make a better home than many things in a large, showy, slapped-together space.

88. I drink a lot of water so I have to pee all the time but cannot pee if someone can hear me peeing, no matter how well I know that person.

89. I am a bit of a clean freak but I don't like ironing and I hate taking out the trash. I'm no germaphobe, just a clutter master, but the trip down the back staircase to the dumpster just sucks, is all.

90. I used to smoke cigarettes and now I'm a real anti-tobacco pest, but I like distant pipe smoke smell sometimes.

91. I would love to go to an adoption agency and say "In the next decade, give me the three that need the most love. I don't care where they are from or what race they are."

92. I love The Simpsons, Morrissey, The Cure, skylines and meals consisting of bread, cheeses, olives and wine.

93. I like who I am but I'm way too hard on myself.

94. I love introducing people who end up being friends or lovers or doing good work together or both. I think I have a knack for that sort of thing.

95. My favorite color used to be dark red, but now it is sort of light aqua blue, like beach glass.

96. I love wild, stormy weather and eerie, thick fog.

97. I surprise even myself by how much I like girly things like good make-up, good jewelry and a good visit to the spa.

98. Screw fear. It's only in my head, so I always take note of when it pops up so I can push through it somehow, or at least try.

99. My eyes are hazel but turn light green when I cry.

100. I trust my hands completely in all matters hands can be concerned with. They look nice and they're soft but they're also capable, strong and able to tend to tiny delicate details and big tough projects. My hands take care of things that life hands me.

So, that's it. No, that's not it, but that's what's on my mind right now. Maybe next year I'll post another one hundred things and see if my lists are terribly different. Maybe they won't be, maybe they will. Maybe it's just making the list that is the important part.

I hope 2007 is a good one for us all. (Shehecheyanu.)

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

I just woke up with a jolt and decided that tonight, right now, is the moment to make an announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, girls, guys and otherwise, the moment you've all been, I'm sure, eagerly awaiting! The winner of the "What I Did With Her Book" Contest is...

(drumroll)

Ms. Melissa Snyder of Seattle, WA, who so creatively and bravely sealed my book in plastic and took it scuba-diving! What a pain in the ass that must have been for her, right? Well, in any case, Melissa, we're all glad you did it. And, you shall be richly rewarded with great praise of your efforts (see below) and bragging rights like a mofo.



Letter In Praise of Melissa (as read by Kelsey Grammar):

Dearest Scuba Mel,

Do you mind being called Mel?

When you jump in the water, how do you resist the urge to shout "Dive! Dive! Dive!" in bubbled-underwater speak?

Upon first glimpse of your thoughtful photograph, who would not be stunned by your painstaking effort? Then, who would subsequently not be terrified by your suction-forced expression and lack of inhibition sucking on a regulator, or whatever the hell that thing is in your mouth..? Well-played, dear lady! Well-played! It is the sincerest of hopes that the murky waters you graced with your diving were not nearly as icy as they appeared, and that your copy of these ramblings escaped destruction in this project of yours. Oh, how we sacrifice for art! We do! We do! Dearest lady, your efforts are so appreciated! And so celebrated! And so positively wonderful that no other photograph could even begin to compare to your genius. Farewell, sweet Melissa. May your Scuba adventures be bright.

You have my artistic respect for all time,
Amy Guth.

And (shameless plug disguised as something else), I even was able to pull a string or two and get dear Melissa's genius discussed at the very eleventh hour in the recent issue of Cliterature Journal.

For kicks, I'll post a few photos that were narrowly beaten out by Dear Scuba Mel. Gimmie a day or two to get those ducks in a row. Uh, I feel like I should have a model release form for one of them.

But, right now, we celebrate Scuba Mel! Cheers to Scuba Mel!

"THIS NIGHT HAS OPENED YOUR EYES"

My friend, Orieyenta tagged me and you all know I'm a sucker for a good tag. She wants six weird things about me, on my blog, pronto. Um, only six? Ooookay.

1. I will stop everything and go to the store to buy more handcream and lip-something (balm, stick, gloss, whatever) if I find myself without. Must have them or I feel off.

2. One of my favorite foods is broccoli. I think that's great. Most people think that's weird.

3. I only own tan-pinkish and black undergarments. That way I can always match and undergarments are unlikely to show through clothes, as tan bras blend in with your skin and therefore look invisible.

4. I read physics, astronomy and history books for fun because I am a nerd and a half.

5. I feel put-together and polished when I have a manicure, and I also love hardware stores, my tools and fix-it projects. Sometimes I can manage both.

6. I go nuts with my label maker. I haven't labeled my cat, but that's about it.

So there you have it. Orieyenta's tag, Six Weird Things About Me... I tag...ummm... I tag all inclined bloggers in Providence, Chicago, Los Angeles and the UK. So there.

"YOU MUST PLEASE REMEMBER"

I went to the art store last night and bought canvasses. Two big canvasses and three new tubes of paint. It was wonderful. Wonnnnderful. I'm so excited, I can't even tell you. I am officially in the middle of my end of the year thing. I'm cleaning and organizing drawers and closets and just taking care of everything and thinking about where my life is great and where I could improve. It's my favorite. More on that later.

"HOW SOON IS NOW?"

Back from lockdown. Is there anything better than the minutes just after meeting a deadline? Nope. It's just about the most satisfying feeling ever. It's stressful and tense and then, suddenly, the weight of the world is lifted and you can friggin' focus on your life again. It also means that I can end my temporary pants boycott. (I have this thing about writing or editing with fabric on my legs, especially my knees. It doesn't matter how cold it might be-- if I'm working, I have to be wearing shorts. Such a weird hang-up.) And, it also means that I am now free to indulge my urge to clean and polish and organize everything to start 2007 off on the right foot.

Ah, but... What I find very hilarious today is that the second, I mean the absolute second, I emailed everything over to my editor minutes ago, I got my period. Like "send" aaaand cue cramps. Just like that. A little early, but, eh, I'll take it. The period I can handle, its the week before that I'm easily teary, hateful, aggressive and convinced everyone hates me. Ha.

So, yesterday, despite being under the gun, I had to go out to run a couple of quick errands. First I heard and listened to (in its entirety) Tesla's Lovesong. What a piece of crap that one was, but oh how loved it was, no? Then, I heard a Peter Schilling cover done by Canasta that I loved. Loved. That's a good song to start with, but look what this great band did with it. And, they're local! Fabulous! So, I was flitting around town, very proud of my Canasta discovery when suddenly, I saw these two things a block apart:

1. A blow up, life-size Santa in a tiny NASCAR vehicle in a front yard with a bumper sticker (?) saying "Shalom" on it. Oookay.

2. A red Ford Mustang with "Limited Jesus Edition" painted across the back.

I'll give anyone out there in the blogosphere a dollar and my unending adoration if you give your car a religious identity and email me a picture of how you accomplished such a task. Um, okay, how about just my unending adoration? C'mon. It'll be fun.

"I DON'T MIND IF YOU FORGET ME (JUST FOR TODAY)"

Hi kids. I'm under a wicked deadline today. Correction, I'm under three deadlines today. Not that I'm complaining. I'll take them all. I love them! Hooray! Deadlines!

Anyway, wanted to check in. CF&M (Chinese Food and a Movie) Day went swimmingly. Found a decent platter of General Tso's tofu with my name on it and nearly peed myself watching Borat. If you haven't seen it yet, do yourself the favor. Very niiiice! I lost my phone (again) for a few hours, but got that all worked out. Yesterday, I ran the streets naked, tattooed a lightbulb on my head, had wild sex, spit Ouzo on stranger, did a trapeze act, led a parade, flew a helicopter to a top-secret mission in the Congo, set a manuscript on fire, won the Nigerian lottery, sued all of my friends, bought a mansion, showered in $100 bills, raced cars with a cop and threw a sofa out my window. Okay, no. Yesterday was pretty low-key, too.

See, not much to tell.

Just like right before Rosh HaShanah and my birthday, I am in full-on nesting mode in anticipation of 2007, which is lethal when mixed with a deadline. These tabula rasa holidays always make me want to clean out every closet and drawer and polish and tidy and organize and dust, just to start off in the right mindset as the new leaf turns over. I don't have plans for NYE. At this point, making myself a stunningly delicious dinner and soaking in the tub sounds about perfect. Ahhh...

But, I must get back to my deadline. I'm close, but maybe a little unfocused. The urge to clean is sometimes just too great.

There is a moving van in front of my building, but I can't tell if someone is moving in or out. All I hear is clunk, clunk, clunk...

"OTHER VOICES"

Last night, I went out to Knishmas and had a blast. Everyone go over to Jewish Fringe and tell Mr. Mensch (Adam Davis) what a kickass job he did putting it all together.

That was me in the pigtails getting the hora going. Both times. Sure, I had help, but, um yeah, that was me up there. Considering I drank very little and wasn't anywhere near tipsy, I have a wicked hangover today. Nothing that a little Chinese and a movie won't fix.

"SPLINTERED IN THE HEAD"

I have another piece over on Six Sentences today. Look at me bein' all melancholy and mysterious and vague, huh?

In other news, this is fucking stupid.

Merry Ho-ho, if that's your thing, by the way.

"FRANKLY, MR. SHANKLY, I'M A TOTAL NERD (FEATURING MIXED UP 11)"

I just got in. I started out tonight at the Field Museum to catch the Tutankhamun Exhibition before it traveled on in a few days, and I am very glad I did. The transition in artwork (going from less-realistic faces and abstraction in sculpture and drawing to more realistic and less-angular) during the era Akhenaten attempted his religious revolution was terribly interesting-- I have seen plenty of Egyptian exhibitions, but never covering pre- to post-revolution design at once. Also, I find the Book of The Dead, shabtis, maat and canopic sort of things extremely cool, so this was right up my alley.

I was surprised to see a couple of men there in NASCAR t-shirts, making loud comments on every piece as they walked through. My favorite comment, made in reference to a tiny 18th dynasty funerary mask for a fetus, found entombed with Tutankhamun, was: "Them look like Amazon shrunken heads!"

(And, with a sigh of relief, I report that the dates were listed as "BCE"... Don't get started. I just think it's the least-alienating method of timekeeping, that's all. And, you know me, I'm all about trying to alienate the least amount of people possible....)

Anyway, Senorita Nerdita that I am, I have a present for you. Right here. An interactive tour?!? See? Who loves you? Me, that's who. Click through and it's like we were all there together. (Seriously, click through. It's really cool.)

So, then on to vegetarian tapas, which was lovely, although this lovely establishment is in a rather Beautiful People neighborhood and I was confronted wih the notion that somehow fur coats are suddenly very chic for very young women. I mean, I think they look ridiculous and sad at any age, but I'm confused as to why I am suddenly seeing them on the early-twneties set...? When did fur get cool again? Sorry to be a rotten snatch here, but how do you afford a floor-length mink when you're twenty, anyhow? Do I even want to know? I thought fur was one of thse things like veal-- plenty of die-hard carnivores still draw the line on veal. Likewise, plenty of leather-wearers draw the line at fur. But, I am wondering that maybe that's all changing. Okay, what celebrity wore fur and got this going again? It's very 1981 cocaine chic with the furs and the big glasses and all. What's next? Permed hair, stripey leotards and grapefruit diets?

Oy.

Wait, wait, there is a bit more.

The other day, running errands with Sparkypoo, we saw, no kidding, a giant blue tricked-out Cadiallac cruising down the street, driven by a guy in a blue jacket with a white-with-black-polks-dots fuzzy collar. I screamed, "Did you see that? That was a fucking pimp! Holy shit! A pimp! Fast forward to this evening, post-tapas, post-fur coat business. Upon leaving the tapas place, I see it. The blue Cadillac! The pimp! He's right there! And, he was pulling a u-turn and heading in the opposite direction. So, I did was any reasonable person would do. I shouted, "Did you see that? That was that fucking pimp! Holy shit! That pimp!" and set out to follow him. Sadly, I lost his trail, but I can now say I have spent a Saturday night looking for a pimp. That's a first. I don't know what my big whopper plan was once I found him, but I just wanted to see him up close, maybe talk to him and see if he's a real pimp or just, um, dresses like one for the fun of it. You never know. You just never know.

And that, folks, brings me to my final order of business. It is, coming in just under the wire, time for another editon of "If It Could Only Still Be Socially Acceptable To Make A Mix Tape, This Is What I Would Put On One This Week" Saturday... I now believe that this month has been one of the busiest I've had in a long time, and what with the blog tour thing happening I short-changed you guys last week and didn't even make a playlist for you. Maybe I'll make this one extra-great to make up for it. I mean, I do after all, have plans to dedicate at least some of it to this mysterious pimp. Surely that counts for something.

1. You Ought To Be With Me/Al Green (for The Pimp)
2. Out of Range/Ani DiFranco
3. P.I.M.P./50 Cent (pronounced "fiddy cent", mmmkay?)
4. Early To Bed/Morphine
5. Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah/Barenaked Ladies
6. Candle/Sonic Youth
7. Bulletproof/Morcheeba
8. Jubilee/Alison Krause (from the "Paper Clips" soundtrack. Have you seen it? Ohh, I sobbed.)
9. Knee High/French Kicks
10. Pasta/Endorfin
11. Scrabble-Ina/Marie Frank
12. Wandering Star/Portishead
13. Egypt/The Mercury Program
14. Sore Thumb/ Soltero
15. Trains to Brazil/Guillemots

"REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN (OR MULTI-RELIGION CHRISTMAS TREE)"

There is a little town square area not far from my apartment. I went by last night, noticed this and had to laugh.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 8"

It took me forever to get this post up. Mainly because I had an action-packed day, but also because, well, as you'll soon read, I had an awful lot of ground to cover.

Welcome to the eighth and final night of my Chanukah Blog Tour! What a fun time this has all been. I've felt such a good warm-fuzzies sense of community this week. Haven't all of the bloggers done such a great job? I think so, too. We'll review all of our bloggers in a minute, but first, let's meet tonight's eight.

First up, we have Skirmish of Wit, who I've deemed "honorary tribe" this week because she whipped my ass in a fierce dreidel match last year. As she mentions in her post. Man, she really delivered the kosher-frum smackdown. Big time. She's a super lady, too, and she's such a good friend that most of my better adventures in recent years have all been with her. You know, come to think of it, she's no fair-weather friend, she's been my friend through all sorts of stuff. She's that cool. And, boy, she sure does know her Shakespeare! Look at her go! (If you really want to get in her good graces, scour the web for obscure U2 clips, tidbits, mp3s etc. The more obscure the better. She loves U2 like I love Morrissey. That's really serious.)

Representing our second candle, author of Princess of Division Street, the one and only, charming, kind and, ahem, pretty badass, Elaine Soloway. What could I possibly say to introduce her? The name says it all. Click on and prepare to love and adore her. (And, if you have no already done so, look how super-easy I've made it for you to buy her wonderful book!)

And, run, do not walk, over and meet friend to all, Yo Yenta a super sharp lady who appreciates things like fair-trade coffee, the latke-hammentaschen debate I am so fond of attending and, you know, she's got to be pretty cool because, um, she totally invited me for latkes! And, I have this thing where I tend to trust people with cool glasses more often than not. So, there's that. Anyway, she's a new BFF, too.

Then, head on over to visit a very good friend and BFF (Dude, why can I not stop saying BFF this year?) of yours truly, the unforgettable dame with moxie to spare, Katie Schwartz. Seriosuly, she's only days away from huge literary celebrity and you're all going to get to say you knew her when.... so there. Read this post! She is a riot. Goyim dreidel twister? Toooootally. And, holy shit, I wil always now refer to sufganyiot as "the dreamiest fat pellets"... done and done.

Our next candle tonight is the mysterious Subservient Worker, who has enough dirt on me to ruin my life for years (wink). And, would you look at that? She is totally on my same wavelength about the curry latkes! Woot!

Keep the applause going now for our new friend Kaye, who is getting ready to honor us all by joining the tribe. She's a little busy (doing a lot of fabulous stuff) so she's going to hold us in suspense for a bit longer. But, she hasn't forgotten about us at all and will post in just a bit. So keep checking back. Her post is going to be really, really cool. How do I know that? Duh, because she is really cool.

Next, let's all say hi to my new friend Al Sensu. Yes, that Al Sensu, who yesterday prioritized writing this post, the one linked to above in between lighting Chanukah candles and jerking off. So, with priorities like that, of course he's welcome here! Anway, check out his fabulously filthy post. Not, say, for the faint of heart. But I know you're tough and freaky, so check it out.

And last but never least, go see SeeWorthy. Honey lateks? Why the heck didn't I ever think of that? I'm totally trying that. And, get ready for an "awww" moment when you see the "I (heart) my partner" response. So sweet.

Now, let's review all of our bloggers!

Wait, let's review backwards, since we just did our eight, our full chanukiot, yes? Yes.



Last night, Kosher Soul Gourmet hooked us on the term "hot naked peeps", Alana Perlin introduced us to blueberry syrup latkes, Danny of Jew Eat Yet? graced our presense with his fancy blog with pictures, Another Meshugganah Mommy, who we know know prefers stiletto heels and Jack Daniels to slippers and herbal tea, introduced us to the sweet potato-red pepper latke, Shabbat & The City jumped onto the strip-dreidel bandwagon, Cabeza de R.E. reminded us what a macho manly man he is AND we got a surprise visit from Tamarika as she dished Isrealia for us. What a fun night!

The sixth night was super swell with Doc from Everyone Needs Therapy as she went above and beyond for not just one blogger (me) but two bloggers, as she also posted holiday songs for Citizen of The Month. That night, we also met Nani (she won me over completely with her Nutella sufganyiot idea) and Jewbiquitous (Naked. Frum. Dreidel.)... and we met Yaley (Yaleite? Yaleyon?) Grichu with her sassy square plates and Anthropologist For Corporate America, who I just know you gave generously to for her Team In Training fundraising efforts. And, who could forget Minor Fast Days and his musings on his beloved wife and fiesta latkes.

On night five, we met Jack Be Nimble and I decided on the spot that I would, for one day just to say I did it, marry him and be his tenth wife. Next, True Ancestor wished me Borat-style "great success" and we chated about olive oil used to occupy children in public. Then, we talked stylin' Bubbies with Just Another SWJF and the "penultimate" Israeli salad recipe with The Shalvster, and finished with Fake Jew from Not Chosen, Just Posin' as he considered the meme and whether or not be could bear to speak to Madonna for any length of time.

Four! More! Uh... bloggers! On the fourth night, we first chatted with the lovely and wonderful Tamara Eden about her Dad's latke recipe and quite literally, the mixing of dreidels. Then, we met "one dope boy and a rental car" from Jews Like Bagels and I promised him I wouldn't tell his Ma what he likes to top his latkes with. Then, we (okay, I) gave Eric from Earth Observation a big "right on" for his thoughts on Chanukah visibilty and snarked it up with Mad Words, as she explained to us how to play Samuel L. Jackson-style dreidel.

Three did prove to be a lucky number this week! We met the clever and quadralingual (Hebrew, English, Chinese and Spanish) Orieyenta as she taught us how to add an Asian flair to both latkes and dreidels. Then we met the rainbow suspender wearin', PhD gettin', second most Henrietta Szold authoritatin' Rational Leftist and the lovely author of Half Life (which you bought..?) and Daphne & Jim (and lots of other greatness you will continue to purchase), Laurel Snyder.

On night number two, TikkunGer had me at "Battlestar Galactica", as Suburban Kvetch made me spit Pelligrino with the lines, " I have a lot of resentment towards hamantaschen for this very reason" and "What does one cook in honor of a resurrection? An Easter ham?"... gold, I tell you, gold.

And, all of this kicked into high gear on the very first night with a post by Accidentally Jewish Leah (as she casually mentions playing dreidel with a Twister mat and olive oil), who, I must tell you, none of this would have come together without. Leah, thank you. This was awesome.

L'chaim! Chanukah 5767! Chag Sameach to all of these outstanding bloggers and to all of you. I think we should all do this again next year.

Happy Holidays, however you celebrate them, and whichever ones you celebrate.

Don't freeze your butts off... or get so drunk you just fall down.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS, DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

A friend of mine asked me what the hell kind of meme could I possibly be doing that exempts me from answering the questions myself? Then a regular reader commented. Then three emails came in. Finally, last night, a friend sent me a text, assuring me she was curious about my answers. Fair enough. My people have spoken.

Here goes...



1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren’t already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

I'm really a latke purist. I using good yukon gold potatoes, shredding the little bastards, wringing the shreds out in a hand towel before I add any of the other ingredients (that's key) and I like using the best olive oil to fry them in and serving them with only sourcream and apple sauce. I made curry cream sauce for them last year that were damn good. And, once I was given a fancy latke on a bed of arugula and balsamic with a poached quail egg on top. That was pretty great. But, let's say I was going to Pimp My Latke. Let's just say. I would add a variety of minced wild mushrooms and shallots to the batter, then serve with sage sour cream and something like port-poached diced apples. That'd be pretty good I think.

I'm sure I have told you guys, by the way, about my "Tribe Sandwich", no? It's my favorite sandiwich ever and always take them with me when i travel because they make me so happy. They are made thusly: toast a little pumpernickel bread, add mayo, mustard, applesauce, soy pepperjack cheese, tofurkey and latkes. Sounds like a big disaster but I can assure absolute deliciousness.

2. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

It's a toss-up... (a) "Merry.. um, how do you say it in Jewish?" and (b) back in the day when I was working in retail, a couple came into the store and asked another associate if we carried "menorahs or dreidels or any other Chanukah stuff". The associate turned and shouted across the store to the manager, "We don't got no Jewish stuff, huh?" I wanted to hide behind my crappy plastic nametag. I was mortified, but grabbed them and dragged them to the Judaica. Oh and (c) "So, wait, you guys don't celebrate Christmas at Jewish church? Weird. I'd kill myself if I didn't have Christmas."

3. What’s the best possible use for olive oil?

I rub a little on my nails and cuticles.. voila! Instant manicure. Or, rub a little on the feet, put on thick socks and go to bed. No raggedy-ass hands or rough heels here. But, dipping sourdough bread into good olive oil is pretty great, too. Uh, not the same oil I put on my hands and feet. That's be more than a little bit freaky. Though, I guess you could just dip your bread and let it get all over your hands and kill two of three birds with one stone. Eh, yeah. Multitasking is cool.

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which to you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Sufganyiot are better than hammentaschen. But, latkes are better than sufganyiot. Savory trumps sweet in my world.

5. What’s the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

At the little soiree at my place back on the first night, we kicked it seventh grade style and turned it into a game of truth or dare. I did a tap dance, which was a riot. But, I think Mad Words had he best idea of shouting expletives after each spin like, "Shin, beyotch!"

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the lives of three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

Hmm. Good question, Amy-self. I'm glad you asked. Let's see. Let's say I could get anyone, from any time. Betty Friedan? Gertrude Stein? Erica Jong? Susan Sontag? Wow, there are a lot of righteous Heebettes to pick from. You know, I think life is serious enough. Let's keep this one light and silly. Gilda Radner for sure. Sarah Silverman. My friend Sandy. We'd go nuts. It'd be a riot.

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

My second book? Okay, that was shameless. Forget it. Actually, I just saw this book called Subversive Crosstitch and was howling! I'd would sew these hilarious things for all of you. Who doesn't need a wall-hanging with pretty flowers and the words "you suck" gingerly stitched across it? I pick that one. Wow, put that in a gift bag with (another one of my BFFs) Jenny Hart's Sublime Stitching and you'd have one badass crafty little gift on your hands. (That I would gladly accept. Or steal from you when you weren't looking. Whatever it takes.)

8. What bloggers didn’t participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

Well, next year, I'm going to try to hunt you all down again and do this all over. But, some are bound to have issued restraining orders against me by then. Some are bound to move away, make aliyah, decide I'm just not that cool and steer clear, get really famous and decide to forget me. Some of you will be busy doing very exciting things, running from the law, getting divorced, getting hitched, etc..... point being, next year, some of you are bound to be absent. so, I'll wishfully tag Bex Schwartz. Sarah Silverman. That Black Lesbian Jew. Maybe a couple of dirty old ladies. Maybe a couple of dirty old men. We'll just have to wait and see. That's the thing with this tag on this meme, it's a little different. But, here we are on the final countdown of Chanukah and if you weren't posting but wanted to, go for it. Anytime today, post away. Or, heck, why no tomorrow, too? You have until sundown on Saturday to post your little heart out.

I'll be back later today with the final eight candles (you guys are in for a rare treat!) and whoever else I hear about posting, also. We'll just have to wait and see.

(By the by, did anyone see this? Some schmuck is pretending to be Jewish now to... pick up chicks? What is this? Is this a thing? Are some dudes doing this? Haha. I just have this vision of fratboys getting all Woody Allen'd up o get ladies... oh man.)

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 7"

Welcome to the seventh night of my Chanukah Blog Tour! What a fun time this has all been. Haven't all of the bloggers done such a great job? I think so, too.

Last night, we met six super bloggers and tonight our super seven will keep the ball rolling, er, dreidel spinning...

But, let me warn you. Tonight is a little funky. You'll see why in a minute.

First, we have the honor of meeting a favorite of mine, the one and only Yolanda Shoshana, the Kosher Soul Gournet a she settles in and dishes about Oprah, Martha, Nicole Richie and bestows upon us the phrase, "What happens with the dreidel stays with the dreidel"... um, and if you check out the rest of her blog, she gives out recipes. I'm just saying. Do yourself a favor. Use them.

Second, we have Alana Perlin as she spills my (I thought) well-kept secret for pretty nails, (um, works against split ends, too!) and, you know, I'm willing to actually give her blueberry-syrup-latke-pyramid idea a try. Big smiles for using the sentence, "points for getting that reference" after mentioning the name of my blog.

Next up, I am honored to welcome here a blogger I've quietly enjoyed reading for a good while and who I am so glad to have gotten to know a bit better during this project (so far, playing Six Degrees of Each Other is a real hoot!)... everyone welcome Danny Miller of Jew Eat Yet?. Wow! Look at that fancy post! Woot! Woot! I love it!

For candle numbe four, give it up (and get slippers and a nice cup of tea) for Another Meshugganah Mommy and let's see about her red pepper and sweet potato latkes, and, um, get ready to smack yourself in the forehead when she details her adventures with stupid things people say about Chanukah.

Next up, we have Seth Chalmer who, sadly switched over to the new verion of blogger that is proving to be nightmarish on almost all accounts, and hit a bit of a snag posting, but he is with us now! His post is up!

Shabbat And The City is our next candle, and, although at the time I originally put this post up I said, "She's not posted yet, either. But, look at her blog, she is really busy finding her place in Jewish Los Angeles as a soon-to-be-member-of-the-tribe, so we'll cut her some slack. Los Angeles is big. There's a lot to see. I can dig it." Little did I know that at that very moment she was hard at work on her post (Obviously! Look at what a great post she wrote!) but now, she has finished and it is super! (I like this blog a lot. It's interesting reading... )

And, our (officially) final candle tonight, is on the Cabeza de R.E. and, well, earlier, I blogged: "She hasn't posted yet, either. But, look at her blog! She likes Bjork and I like Bjork, so I can only assume she's listening to Bjork and is totally caught up doing that. Which is totally reasonable. Um, he posted shortly thereafter. Why did I get it in my head that he was a she? Not the profile pic. Not the man purse. Must be the first name? Maybe. As a woman with dude friends named both Meredith and Jody, I should have known better than to assume and I sincerely apologize. If it makes anyone feel any better, I once did a reading a cool trans event, so I put little stock in gender identification titles anyway. (Wow, that was a lot of work just to get him to admit he carries a man purse.)

But, wait-- what is this? Look! An eighth blogger posted the meme who I don't know! Look, everyone! It's Tamarika dishing about Israelia! Look at that! Now that is a Chanukah miracle in blog terms. That's what I'm talkin' about!

Wow, we have an extra candle to make our Chanukah lights shine extra bright. Now that is just plain cool.

Happy Chanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our full chanukiot of bloggers and revisit all the many posts in the Chanukah Blog Tour.

"WHATEVER HAPPENS"

Well, it has been pretty Chanukah centric around here. I'm waiting for all of my bloggers to post for tonight's Chanuah Blog Tour and while waiting, I found this! My dearest Katie Schwartz has tagged me and who am I to ever turn her down for a meme? No way. Not me. Never.

Here goes. This one is asking for the contents of my desk. I have only one desk, since I work in my apartment. It's older and smaller than I'd like, but the perfect one hasn't found me yet. I got the chair from Katherine when she left for Mongolia. She warned me that it would piss me off, which it doesn't but it does make my back hurt sometimes even though it looks like a really swank office chair. I have a bamboo cup with "courage" written on it in Chinese (I'm told. It could say "jackass" and I wouldn't know.) filled with colored pencils, my good pens, good heavy scissors, a coaster that says "drink" across it, and a couple of chopsticks, in case my hair starts bugging me and needs to get swept back. I have a funky black lamp with an aqua shade, my black phone, a couple of checks I need to take to the bank, a little light blueish blotter thing to take the heat off the MacBook, the MacBook, my tan cherry blossom mug of green tea, a boxing Rabbi puppet for inspiration, usually my cat sleeps on my lap when I'm woking, other times, he flops his ass down on the side of my laptop and stars purrrrrring... and in the drawer... a pink highlighter, page flags, post-its, ink refills, bills to be paid, an xacto knife, a nail file, and a business card a stranger handed to me, presumably without realizing a number was jotted on the back. I somehow feel like the love of his life wrote her number on his card and he absent-mindedly handed it to me. I just haven't decided how to get the number back to him yet.

In other news, one of the two guys named Al that I know posted his answers to this meme, too. I stole this off of his blog. If this is a prioritized list, I am even more honored. Just below Jewish observance, just above masturbation. Story of my life.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 6"

Welcome to the sixth, holy cow, the sixth night of my Chanukah Blog Tour! Fun, right? Making new friends? Coming by for latkes? Getting lotsa gelt? Good! Today has been a positively super day all around. The weather is craptastic, but I am on cloud nine, I must admit.

Last night our five bloggers were so wonderful to spin our (intellectual) dreidels for us and tonight we get to meet....

Well let's just meet them, shall we?

First up, today we have Therapy Doc from Everyone Needs Therapy (I totally agree) as she covers a lot of intelligent, witty, thoughtful, thought-expanding ground going above and beyond for not just one blogger (me) but two bloggers, as she posts holidays songs for Citizen of The Month. Go Doc!

Next, let's go read what our friend over at Minor Fast Days for a great-sounding feista latke, an "awwww" moment about his wife, and, shockingly, as he proves to bo the only blogger in the mix thus far to pick hammentaschen over latkes and sufganyiot.

Then, head on over to Anthropologist For Corporate America and read her take on dreidel for bong hits, and she can confirm the interesting little bit of trivia she and I discovered after a little blog chat-- that her daughter and I were born in the same hospital. Small world. Decades, hello, decades apart. But, before you do any of that, take a minute and help her out with something. Once upon a time, I ran a marathon with Team In Training to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and she is passing the hat now, as she is trainign with them, too. So, you can take just one second and donate to her fundraising efforts by clicking right here. Good.

Next up, Grichu tells us that she, too, prefers hammentaschen over latkes and sufganyiot and that she can dress up latkes like mad on her very fancy square plates. (You guys are all killing me, every single night, with all of this potato dress-up deliciousness.)

Keep the momentum going now for Jewbiquitous, or Team Jewbiquitous as I've taken to calling them, as they give up the goods and call me out on my topless olive oil wrestling (er, wait, I never did that, nevermind), and draw to mind the image of Gold Meir getting down and digging one's groove.

And, last but not least at all, give it up for Nani and read all about one of my new favorite ideas (Nutella plus sufganyiot equals awesomeness), and tugs at my anal-retentive heartstrings by the mere mention of a book about cleaning. Sigh.

Chhhhhappy Chanukah, folks, see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our bloggers of night seven!

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 5"

Welcome to the fifth round of my Chanukah Blog Tour! Can you believe we've already made friends with ten bloggers? Better yet, can you believe we are still going to make friends with twenty-six more bloggers? So. Much. Fun. Anyhoot.

Last night Earth Observation, Jews Like Bagels, Tamara Eden and Madeline In The Mirror shook their gelt for us, and now... (drumroll)... let's meet the next five.

First, we have Jack Be Nimble with his rather excellent ideas on tequilla dreidel and tabasco latkes. I just decided that I'd like to be his tenth wife. (Kidding. I'm a kidder. Sort of. Okay, maybe for like a day, just to say I was someone's tenth wife. Jack?)

Next up, we have Want Some Cheese With That Whine as she reveals what a cooking fool she is and tells us about her super-stylin' bubbie.

Then, head on over and see Fake Jew at Not Chosen, Just Posin' as he considers the meme and wonders if he could bear to speak to Madonna long enough to "swap tricks of the fake Jew trade"... (Yo, FakeJew, if you can keep it veg, you're welcome to cook for me anytime. Wowzers, Cookie McChefsalot.)

Next, we meet the one and only True Ancestor as he ponders sweet potato latkes (You guys are killing me today with all of this crazy-good cooking!), olive oil and water potions to occupy children in restaurants and wishes me "great success", Borat-style.

And, last but not least at all, The Shalvster closes for us with his "Penultimate" Israeli Salad recipe. Just using the word "penultimate" is good work by me, but in connection to Israeli salad, well, that's just a great idea. (I am fighting the urge to say, "The Shalvster. Makin' copies. Shalvarooney. Shalvoo Shalvah. Shalv-lalv-a-ding-dong."... but acknowledge Rob Schneider beat the joke to death more than a decade ago.)

Happy Chanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our bloggers of night SIX. (Oh, and if you are overcome with grief because you aren't participating in tis spiffy little Chanukah Blog Tour, fret not! Drop me an email at amy@guthagogo.com. I still have slots for three lucky bloggers to rock the house on Friday.)

"FOUND FOUND FOUND"

My Chanukah Bloggers of round five are putting the final touches on their posts and while we give them all the time they need, I have to mention:

Everyone knows I love DexTek pens right? Of course you do because I flap my trap about them all the time. For those of you who somehow do not know the scoop, here you go. I have terrible carpal tunnel. I know, I know, I'm young to have it, but having spent most of my life typing, I'm not surprised in the least. Last summer, I almost drove myself batty trying tons of pens, all claiming to help carpal tunnel sufferers. But, nothing helped at all. Not a single one until, that is, I used this one and I've been hooked ever since. No, no, I don't own DexTek stock, I'm not related to (or sleeping with) anyone who works for DexTek. I just really, really like their pens.

The EZ Grip is the ONLY pen that I can write with for any length of time comfortably. Well, I found out today that Cokie Roberts and Al Gore love and use the same pens! Neat! (It's the little things, people, the little things.)

I suspect, however, that the pens are habit-forming. Needing to jot something down, but not having my pen, I borrowed a pen from a friend. Granted, the pen was an expensive fountain pen, so there was nothing inherently crappy about it, but it wasn't the right pen. It was almost like my hand had grown so accustomed (addicted?) to writing with the EZ Grip that anything else was, dare I say, uncomfortable, even writing the first word.

So, there you have it. I wonder what kind of pen Barack Obama uses? Hmmm....

"ANOTHER JOURNEY BY TRAIN"

Oh, guess what? I just had the lovliest conversation with Rob from Six Sentences and it looks like my piece, In the Air and On the Sidewalks will be posted over there on December 24th. What? You haven't been to Six Sentences? Well, head on over right now and check it out. It's harder to write a whole story in six sentences than you might think. You should give it a try and send your piece his way.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 4"

Welcome to the fourth night of my Chanukah Blog Tour!

Last night OrieYenta, Rational Leftist and JewishyIrishy did their thing and today we get to meet four new friends!

First, we meet Tamara Eden, as she spills the scoop on her Dad's latke recipe.

Then, let's meet "One Dope Boy and a Rental Car" from Jews Like Bagels as he teaches us how to play strip dreidel, explains why his falafel date cut their date short to go to church and tells us the secret we must keep from his Ma.

Then, let's meet Eric from Earth Observation and raise a "right on!" fist like I did when you read his thoughts on making Chanukah visible, or not.

And, last but not at all least, meet Madeline, the bang-the-table-with-your-fist-funny Madeline of Mad Words who has the best idea I have ever heard for making dreidel more interesting. (Um, and she thinks my glasses are "hot" and put up a funny post a day or two ago about The Neverending Story, so we're friends now. I decided. Just now. Yes. My new BFF. There you have it.)

Happy Chanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our bloggers of night FIVE. Is this cool, or what? I am having so much fun discovering all of these great blogs to add to my regular reads.

In other news totally not related to Chanukah, miracles, military holidays, olive oil, candles, Jewish bloggers and virtual book tours, my landlord came by this morning and installed a combination carbon monoxide-smoke detector that simply must be the cutting edge of such devices. It beeps like a mofo, just like any old alarm does, sure, but there is a digital sort of voice on it that says "Fire. Please note. Fire." or "Your carbon monoxide levels are currently high. Your carbon monoxide levels are currently high." Fancy PANTS!

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 3"

Welcome to the third night of my Chanukah Blog Tour!

Last night TikkunGer and Suburban Kvetch ruled the show, and now it's time to see what our third round of the Chanukah Blog Tour brings.

To begin, click through and see what Chinese-, Spanish-, Hebrew- and English-speaking OrieYenta has to say. (Oh, and while you're at her great blog, scroll down a few days and see her adorable daughter then scroll down a bit more and read her post "Tikkun Olam for Fish". I shrieked with laughter, imagining the scenario playing out.)

Then, click through and get ready to laugh as historian, PhD acquirer and second-most world authority on Henrietta Szold, Rational Leftist brainstorms about xtreme dreidel tournaments.

And then, before you click through and read what wonderful Laurel Snyder of JewishyIrishy had to say today, take a moment and pick up both of her books, Half Life and the chose-your-own-adventure book, Daphne & Jim. (Oh, and get ready to snatch up her new book as soon as it comes out because it'll fly off the shelves!)

Happy Chanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our bloggers of night four.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 2"

Welcome to the second night of my Chanukah Blog Tour!

Last night, Leah of Accidentally Jewish started things off nicely so let's put our hands (virtual hands, people, virtual hands) together for TikkunGer with his "Kosher-style Musings" and eco-car drivin', cat-lovin' Suburban Kvetch as they show us how it's done on night number two.

Happy Chhhhhhanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our trio of bloggers of night number three.

"WILLIAM, IT WAS REALLY NOTHING"

I post this, not to comment on weight-loss pro or con, not to comment on poodles pro or con, not even, really to comment on the Japanese pro or con... but just to let you watch it and form your own opinions. My opinion is something between a sake bomb and a question mark, as in wtf?



My eyes! My eyes! What am I seeing? Whaaaaa?

"GOLDEN LIGHTS: 1"

Welcome to the kickoff of my Chanukah Blog Tour!

It goes like this. On the first night of Chanukah, I have one blogger I've slapped with a meme. On the second night, I have two bloggers, three bloggers on the third night, and so on. So, that means that thirty-six bloggers are all coming together to pull this experiement of mine together. Not too shabby, eh? Can I really pull this off? There's only one way to find out!

So, to start things off wonderfully, without further ado...

Tonight, we light one candle and today we have one blogger representin'... writer, funny lady, PR pro, walking blog encyclopedia, the lovely and talented, Leah of Accidentally Jewish. Read her Chanukah Blog Tour post right here.

Happy Chanukah and see everyone back here tomorrow night to meet our two bloggers of night number two.

(And, a big Happy Birthday to a talented and hardworking dramaturg, PhD, adventuress and longtime friend and co-conspirator, Angela Gant and cheers to another successful year for her. Good grief, we've known each other for almost fifteen years!)

"I KNOW VERY WELL HOW I GOT MY NOTE WRONG"

Talking in front of a huge crowd of people, I can handle.

A conversation calling for utmost care and tact involving one or two people, no problem.

What throws me for a loop? Cocktail parties. People sipping, making small talk, milling about, knowing when to cut a conversation off, not saying too much, not saying too little. It turns my knees wobbly.

So, my main resolution for 2007 is this: Go to these schmooze-fests and make myself learn to be comfortable during them. This time next year, I'll have no hesitation accepting an invitation, working a room, making friends, swapping cards, passing from conversation to conversation, not fidgeting, not nervously flapping my trap too much, not saying too little.

There you have it. Project Cocktail Party. Now, how do I scale this figurative wall? I guess that means I need to actually attend many such events. Okay. I can do that.

"YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE"

Let the record just show that Elaine Soloway did me a real solid today, so let's all go and buy her wonderful book, The Division Street Princess.

So did Timoty Schaffert, so we should all pick up his library of wonderfulness as well.

You know, come to think of it, so did LeahJ. But she doesn't have a book out (yet) so let's all just go tell her she is super and read the neat stuff she writes for Shebrew magazine.

"YOU MUST PLEASE REMEMBER"

Check this out!



Here's how the Chanukah Blog Tour goes. The first night, I'm stopping by one blog. On the second night, I'm stopping by two blogs. On the third night, three blogs and so on. So, by the 8th night of Chanukah, I'll have stopped by 36 blogs! Cool, right?

But, I still need your help! I still have an opening or two available on the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th nights and I need Jewish bloggers, or soon-to-be-Jewish bloggers to email and claim a spot. (In fact, I have a non-Jewish blogger participating because she beat my ass in dreidel last year)... C'mon! It'll piss off Mel Gibson! It'll be fun! Just shoot me an email at amy@guthagogo.com and I'll hook you up with everything you need. It'll be awesome. Just a few more people and we're all set.

"IN BETWEEN DAYS"

In my very humble opinion, diner breakfast is just about the best way to start the day. And, today being rainy only made the choice all that much better. Viva breakfast! Viva diners!

But, I need to get to work now. I have ten projects that need my dire attention. On of them is to put the last bits of mojo together for my Chanukah Blog Tour. Jewish bloggers, there is still time if you want on the train. It'll only cost you one blog post to have all my blog traffic for a day. Not a bad trade. Anyway, work beckons. Read, read, read, jot, jot, jot, type, type, type.

But, what I lack in length of blog post today, I'll make up for it in laughs at the expense of the Japanese.

"OTHER VOICES, VOLUME TWO"

Okay, it is settled. Craigslist is actually even better than we thought, as it turns out. In a nutshell, Craig, the big cheese behind the list, doesn't mess around with hate mail or senders thereof. He's proactive and on top of things once the situation was explained, he understood completely and put my concerns to rest. He, obviously, can't control what every user of Craigslist does, but if a user is inappropriate and he knows about it, he's on top of it and will take care of it. And, he's also a terribly nice guy. No escalation, no nonsense, no bullshit, just takin' care of bizznass. Just like we like, right? Of course.

So there you have it. Now everyone invite Craig over for latkes and dreidel. Of course.

Craig, yes. Mel Gibson, no.

Now, can we keep the Seas of Bigmouth calm for a while please? Don't let my tough veneer fool you. Drama makes me sad and worried. So, erase, erase, erase. Let's clear the cobwebs and do something fun, shall we? This negativity lately make-uh me crazy. Wait, ha ha, this is positive! Here is a pic you might like. It's me. At IKEA. In a dog bed.



And that, boys and girls, is what happens when you say things like, Jesus, that's a big-ass dog bed! I'll bet I can fit in it! when you're out shopping with Sparktacular.

"OTHER VOICES"

I want to be extra clear--- I got anti-semitic email from people as a result of placing an ad on Craigslist looking for Jewish bloggers. I use Craigslist often and have gotten my ads pulled when I use the word "Jewish" but haven't gotten anything pulled when it's a secular project, regardless of project compensation levels. I'm not saying I got the ads pulled because Craig or Craigslist is anti-semitic, I'm just pointing out that it did get pulled. In fact, I'm pointing it out because, as it is a community run forum, Craigslist is likely unaware of the subject matter when something gets pulled.

Just wanted to clarify that. Nobody from Craigslist has said anything anti-semitic to me, so I'm not accusing them of such.

Just for the record. So, chill with the email already.

"FOUND FOUND FOUND"

Ohhh, I've been working on my Virtual Chanukah Blog Tour and I'm getting way excited about it. It'll be so fun! Need a little Chanukah vibe? Check this out. Eric Schwartz is a funny mofo. (Head to YouTube.com and check out his Mel Gibson rap. It's a good one.) Anyway. This is a few minutes long, but wicked stupidfunny. For some reason, I found the counting terribly funny.

"DOING THE UNSTUCK"

I started thinking about the thing that happened with Craigslist taking down my post looking for Jewish bloggers while I was cleaning this afternoon and I got mad because it happened at all, mad because nobody from Craigslist has bothered to respond to very polite and curious emails and mad about the crazy neo-nazi hate mail I got. Anyway, I say this: fuck it. Seriously. I'm not doing anything wrong and I have just as much of a right to use Craigslist as anyone else. And, I still need a few more Jewish bloggers for my Super Chanukah Virtual Book Tour. So... I put another couple of posts up, this time I'm asking for "Chanukah-celebrating bloggers for a fun project"... so we shall see how it goes, right? Maybe the J-word is so loaded that it's what got the ad pulled. I don't care. I'll post it again if I have to. What are they going to do? Ban me forever from Craigslist? I think not.

Man, I'm not taking even a pinch of shit today, am I? I don't know where this is coming from, not hormones, not blood sugar, not a specific event, but I just feel slightly fed-up with nothing in particular today.

Eh, screw it, I guess we're all entitled to a fuck-you-I'm-doing-it-my-way sort of day once in a while.



I, at least, use my mild-irritation for good. My kitchen is so organized and clean that I am beyond ready for my new kitchen table. Oh, I didn't mention that, did I? Oh, well, uh, I bought a kitchen table and chairs last night. And, it's awesome. And I get it on Friday afternoon. And, I'm excited. And, I want to clean more stuff. Grrrr.

"I DON'T MIND IF YOU FORGET ME (JUST FOR TODAY)"

I'm having one of those "everyone-just-go-do-your-own-thing-and-leave-me-to-do-mine" kind of days. These pop up when my life needs a little TLC. Not a bad thing, at all. I just woke up really aware of it, is all. Maybe it actually started late last night. Nothing launched it, nothing happened, nobody crossed me, I just got the sudden urge to hide out and guard myself is all. "Me time" as more enlightened folks might say. And, when these solo moods strike, I have found that it is best to just embrace them and dive right in. Trying to ignore these moods or stall them only makes me want to retreat more.

In my hiding out today, I've cleaned out one of my email inboxes, launched a kitchen reorganization, prepped to paint my bedroom, gathered my little bit of laundry that needs attending to, and made a to do list, (Oh, I do love listmaking. I'm an OmniOutliner user, too, which only jacks up my anal list making ante a bit more.) started cooking one of my favorite lunches ever, played a little hide and seek with my cat, polished my living room floor and made a cool graphic for my upcoming Chanukah Virtual Book Tour. (There is still time to hop onto that train, by the by, Jewish bloggers. It'll be fun.)

On a funnier note, I've had my BFF's (Sarah Silverman) "Give The Jew Girl Toys" in my head all morning. Wanna sing it with me?

What does Jesus have to do with you?
You’ve got as much to do with Jesus as you do with Scooby doo,
What do you have to do with Jesus?
You have as much to do with him
as you do your mother’s penis. (oh yeah)
So I don’t think he’s the son of g-d.
I think he was still a nice boy.
If you ask yourself what would Jesus do
he’d say, "Give the Jew girl toys,
give the Jew girl toys, give the Jew girl toys."
Don’t be a douche. What would Jesus do?
He’d say, "Give the Jew girls toys."
Kwaz – is that german,
Santa Claus, Santa Claus,
you made a list and I checked it twice
and there’s nobody named Silverman, or Moskowitz or Weiss,
you have a list, well Schindler did too,
Liam Neeson played him. Tim Allen played you."

Anyway, back to hiding. I'll be up for air later.

"MIXED UP 10"

Tis time for another editon of "If It Could Only Still Be Socially Acceptable To Make A Mix Tape, This Is What I Would Put On One This Week" Saturday...

1. Shopping Trolley/Beth Orton
2. Black Bra/Alowishious Farhatt & the Soapbox Derby Revival Band
3. Mirror in The Bathroom/English Beat
4. Laid/James (What? It's just a good song is all.)
5. Cherry Blossom Girl/Air
6. Burrito/Pete Yorn (Har. Har.)
7. Long Distance Drunk/Modest Mouse
8. Pear/Sirconical
9. I Just Shot John Lennon/The Cranberries
10. Imagine/John Lennon
11. The Winner Is/Devotchka
12. String Bean Jean/Belle & Sebastian
13. Ask/The Smiths
14. Hard To Find/The American Analog Set
15. Smalltown Boy/Bronski Beat (Remember this one??)

"CLOSE TO ME"

Schmaltz alert!

Considering I'm say, under 40, believe it or not I remember exactly what I was doing 26 years ago. I remember because there hasn't been a day in my life that I wasn't a Beatles fan. I'm the kid of Beatles fans, the niece of more Beatles fans and the cousin of still more Beatles fans. So, I remember our rusty-red kitchen with bamboo shades and the shitty little black and white television on the coutertop in the corner showing the Dakota building and my Mother's gasp followed by a shrill and sad no upon hearing John Lennon had been shot.

To pay my respects to my favorite Beatle, six years ago tonight, Captain Fusha and I wandered out after dinner into 12-degree weather to Central Park. We stood at the Imagine mosiac for over an hour with hundreds of other people and everyone gasped when Yoko came to the window across the street. A JL impersonator (what a weird and specific job, right?) stepped forward with a guitar and sang Beatles and Lennon solo covers and everyone shivered but stayed and sang and finally, crunchy-hokey-granola as it may be, finally finally when he played "Imagine" after an observed minute of silence, I couldn't help but well up. Okay, I did more than well-up, I full-on quiet-cried, but welled up maybe sounds more dignified. Right? Huh? Hello? Okay, maybe not. Anyway, waterworks.



There is a weird bond I find with Lennonites. Sure, not many people flat-out dislike the Beatles or Lennon, but when I see a tiny bit of Lennon paraphanalia pop up in unexpected places, it makes me glad. It makes me think You're a complete stranger and I don't know a thing about you but maybe just maybe we appreciate the man for the same reasons so somehow you must be okay.

Randomly, I was given a Lennon trading card (like, um, a baseball card) that I've never brought myself to throw away. Years ago, a not-too-secret admirer scrawled a Lennon quote into a Valentine card (didn't work, but a sweet gesture, sure). I've seen JL images pop up in a shopping mall in the middle-of-nowhere south, scribbled in Sharpie on a subway train window in NYC with a Y2K message, framed in a condo's blue bathroom, on an otherwise ghetto keychain, tattooed on a shoulderblade, spraypainted on a dumpster, and today, of course, on t-shirts peeking out between heavy coats.

(Oseh shalom bimromav, hu ya'aseh shalom)

Especially after such a scary day in Chicago.

Sigh...

On a happier note, I finally got around to seeing Little Miss Sunshine last night. It's lovely. I loved it. Seen it? Anyone?

"ASK ME, UH-HO-HO, ASK ME"

Meme'd again!

Do you snore? My mom told me once that I snore when I'm sick. Otherwise, I don't believe so.

Are you a lover or a fighter? Good balance. I love the people that I like to bits, I respect everyone's right to exist and consider, etc, but when it comes to nonsense and rudeness, I have a hard time keeping my trap shut. But then, my temper is a decent one-- once I feel I have explained my stance on something bothering me, I'm over it. That's helpful.

What's your worst fear? Burning to death, brain tumors, getting murdered, getting my throat slit (recurring nightmare my entire life), drowning.. you know, tame stuff.

As a kid, were you a Lego Maniac? Nah. I had blocks and such, but I was more into making my backyard an exotic adventure and collages and writing little stories and chopping Barbie's hair and coloring it was markers to be "punk rock"...

What do you think of reality tv? Terrible crap I enjoy completely. Joey Greco is such a douhebag that I can't stop watching his fake concern. I bet he gets a lot of spite-sex, hosting that show.

Do you chew on your straws? Not really. I bend them into little squares, though. I used to bite them when I first quit smoking.

Were you a cute baby? Not at all! I looked like an angry old man until I was toddler age. Then, I was cute as a toddler. Not sure if I'm more in the cute or angry old man category now. Maybe a little of both.

What color is your keyboard? White. Oh great, I'm going to get more hate-mail for that one. Blah, blah, there I go again, making it a race thing. Pssh.

Do you sing in the shower? Totally. Old Big Band, standard and jazz tunes. Just this morning, I butchered the overture from Tosca.

Have you ever bungee jumped? Negative. I wanted to at one point, but probably wouldn't do it now.

Any secret talents? Then they'd cease to be a secret, wouldn't they?

What's your ideal vacation spot? Anguilla in the British West Indies was prety great. I'd do that again. I sure want to go walk around Prague, though.

Can you swim? Like a fish.

Have you seen the movie Donnie Darko? Yes.

Do you give a damn about the ozone? Yes, a very big damn.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Bleh.

Can you sing the alphabet backwards? Well, having never been given a field sobriety test, I have no idea.

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpener? I'm all ink. Even for crosswords.

What's your stand on hunting? Unless you need to kill it to survive, I don't believe in it at all.

Do you like your handwriting? Sure. I wish I wrote more like my Dad, though. Fonts only wish they looked like my Dad's writing.

What are you allergic to?Heavy pain relievers. Sedatives. Tide detergent. Prickly Pear fruit. Oppression.

When was the last time you said, I love you? Every half hour. A hooker's got to keep the illusion alive, okay?

Do you cry at weddings? Not usually, but I have before.

How do you like your eggs? Poached with a little salt and chopped parsley.

Are blondes dumb? No. Everyone is dumb.

Where does the other sock end up? I have a system. My socks don't vanish.

Do you have a nickname? Some people call me Ames. Amehleh is another popular favorite, as is Amelia.

Is McDonalds disgusting? Without a doubt. Nutritionally. Environmentally. Politically. Emotionally. Professionally. Racially. Financially.

When was the last time you were in a car? Yesterday. That's the last time I steal a Porsche. Cops have no sense of humor! Sheesh!

Do you prefer baths or showers? Either is fine, though I tend to prefer to efficiency of the shower. Oh, and the bottom of my tub is poorly insulated, so I freeze my butt cheeks after a few minutes in the tub in this apartment. Did I mention it was 14 degrees today?

Is Santa Claus real? Who wrote this meme? You're asking a Jewish adult if Santa is real? Sure, Virginia, whatever you need to think.

Do you like to have your neck kissed? Not really. I get squirmy. Forehead is another story. (wink)

Are you afraid of the dark? Truth be told. I totally am! I am such a heavy sleeper that I'll wake up totally disoriented and need a few minutes to get my bearings sometimes. Light helps.

What are you addicted to?Caffeine. Email. Broccoli. Ketchup. Girly-ass scented candles.

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter? Crunchy. There, I said it. Crun! Chy!

Can you crack your neck? I can and do often.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yeah. About two years ago. I don't remember a helluva lot about it, though, except that the EMT lady was nice, I had blood on my hand and wasn't sure why, I couldn't move from the waist down and I was jonesing for another hit off the up-the-nose oxygen tube for weeks afterwards.

Is drug free the way to be? It is for me. Except when I sprinkle crackrocks on my cereal, but that's just for decoration.

Are you a heavy sleeper? I sleep like the dead.

What color are your eyes? Hazel, but they turn green if I cry. Which I never do, so there. Shut up.

Do you like your life? You bet your ass. I love it.

Are you psychic? I refuse to answer, as I have already seen your skeptical reactions.

Have you read Catcher in the Rye? Yes. Weird, this book has come up three or four times in the last week. Weird.

Do you play any instruments? In my lifetime, I have played the cello, the violin, the guitar and the bass but I don't currently own any instruments so I can't really call myself proficient on any of them these days.

Have you ever stolen money? Millions.

Can you snowboard? I don't think I'm very good at it, but I have a nice time trying.

Do you like camping? I used to love it but the older I get, the less I enjoy rocks in my back at night.

Do you snort when you laugh? No, my cackle is startling enough.

Do you believe in magic? Like wizards and shit or what?

Are dogs a man's best friend? Again, who writes this? I don't know, but a warm kitten in the lap is certainly nice.

Do you believe in divorce? What kind of a stupid question is that? Believe? As in, what, an aspiration? No, that's pretty ridiculous. But... to say I don't believe in divorce means I don't think it's okay to end a legal partnership when safety, happiness, etc is at stake and what idiot would agree to that?

Can you do the Moonwalk? No. But, I haven't tried in, say, twenty years, so who knows?

Do you make a lot of mistakes? I convince myself I make tons, but probably only make half of what I imagine.

Is it cold outside today? Yes. It is 14. I am not lying.

What was the last thing you ate? Broccoli.

Do you wear nail polish? Yes. I somehow feel put-together and okay when my feet and hands are looking nice.

What's the most annoying tv commercial? That headache compress thing that shouts the name again and again. Ungood. Especially when you need the product. Oy.

Do you shop at American Eagle? What do you think? Do I look like I wear a lot of polo-inspired, camping-chic or Scandinavian wooly attire? Oh, and they carry insulting sizes like 00. 00? Like, "Yay! I'm so little I don't exist!" Puh-leze.

Favorite song at the moment? Today it is This Charming Man by The Smiths.

Who are you tagging?
I'm not. This was a long-ass meme!If you have the time and inclination, knock yourself out.

Now, in other news. I need to find a tailor, a brown marker, a kitchen table, still more Jewish bloggers, and keep my day low-key. I'm still just barely managing to not be full-on ill.

"BIGMOUTH"

I accidentally got myself a little tipsy tonight.

Let me back up.

In the last few years, I've gotten to the point where I only like beer if it is a very cold and good import and the weather is very hot or if I am getting sick. So, feeling a little flu-like achiness coming on today and I decided to drink a beer. But, when I feel sick, I don't have a very big appetite (not to worry-- it'll come back nicely as soon as I feel well again!).

So, not much appetite all day + downing a beer + being a neo-lightweight = home on a Wednesday night, half-farshikkert with my cat.

Super. Again, I impress you all with my sophistication!

And, on the upside, I stopped giving a shit about feeling under the weather. Ha!

(Wow, drunk-bloging? I've reached a whole new low, I think.)

"YOU MUST PLEASE REMEMBER"

Oh man, I have fabulous friends. A friend of mine sent me a "mazel tov things have been going so well for you" goodie basket that included a favorite of mine: the chocolate-covered cherry. She didn't even know! It just worked out! Not the gooey, gross kind, but sort of like this kind, the chewy ones. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, as I'm more the crunchy/salty snack type, with the exception of the chocolate-covered cherry. I loooove them.

Anyway, I have had a pretty busy day, a fairly tedious one. Nothing new, per se, but lots of small tasks. But, luckily, the day is ending well. More of the same tomorrow, mostly. And, on the upside, my Jewish Blogger project is shaping up nicely. It'll be cool. I don't have all 36 yet, but I'm getting there.

I just learned that Vanilla Ice is performing here in Chicago this week and the Museum of Contemporary Art is offering a combination bingo/tango night. Huh.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, wait! I knew there was something I wanted to tell you! My friend and frequent coconspirator, Sparktacular, has a very wonderful project going and I'm gladly going to participate. I'd be tickled pink if you would, too. Read the scoop here!

Okay, now I'm going to bed. For real.

"WHATEVER HAPPENS"

Tonight, I am painting my apartment. It's fantastic. Walls and ceilings, and touching up the base trim I repainted last summer. Oh, it's so nice. Everything looks so clean and fresh and, well, for those of you who know me well enough, I'm all about clean. Hallway, check. Bathroom, check. Living room is in-progress, bedroom is next. I'm not sure I'm ready to paint my kitchen. I really dig the color it is. My dad had a health scare about a year and a half ago and while I was waiting for details, quiet and chewing on the inside of my cheek, a thousand miles away from him, I picked up a paintbrush and painted my entire kitchen retro-y mint green. All by hand. And my kitchen is a pretty decent size. I just needed a little repetitive project in those hours so I could fucking think, you know?

Anyway, it isn't that I'm sentimental about the kitchen paint. It isn't even that I am thinking that because I worked so carefully and slowly on it that it must stay. It juTs works. I just like it. Simple enough. Well, and it's sort of in a good break-off point from the rest of the apartment, so, maybe it's just good old fashined laziness. I say all of that and know full well that I could change my mind in a few hours and roll every trace of the green away. You just never know what kind of wild hairs I'll get, I suppose.

To make painting morE fun than it already is, I am shamelessly rocking out and singing at the top of my lungs to an 80s station. I heard my neighbor come home from work and could have sworn I heard him laugh when he walked past my apartment door and heard me singing Mr. Mister's, "KYRIE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ROAD THAT I MIST TRAVEL! KYRIE BLAH BLAH BLAH THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT!" (Shoutout to Skirmish of Wit on that one. Good times. Good times.)

Then, there was more laughter when my other neighbor came in and heard, "AHHHHHHH! THERE'S A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES IF YOU KNOW WHEN TO TAKE THEM, YOU KNOW? THERE'S A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES! IF THERE AREN'T YOU CAN MAKE THEM! MAAAAKE! OR! BREAK! THEM! AH AHAHA AHAHHAHA!"

But, not nearly as much laughter as when yet another neighbor came in and heard A-Ha's "ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY! TAKE ON ME! TAAAAAAKE MEEEEEEE OONNNNN! I'LL BE GONE! IN A DAY OR TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Ha! Joke's on them. They missed the awesome Molly Ringwald circa Breakfast Club dance that went along with.

(adjusts glasses)

Okay, everyone just take a number. I know this level of dorkiness is irre-fucking-sistable.



Whoa, The Bolshoi's "Away" is on, "YOU'D CROSS YOUR LEGS AND THEN YOU'D TOSS YOUR HAAAAAAIR! AWAYYYYY! YES YOU GET BY! AWWWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY HEEEE HEEEE!"

Haha, my poor cat is both amazed and terrified of this nonsense.