"YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY"

Hi all. I'm working from a cafe tonight near my apartment. A couple was in here before breaking up, which I found weird. I was glad to have my earbuds with me rather than hear their strange, dramatic final moments. There was a break in their conversation, well, a lull that had a strange moment in it but then lulled again and went back to the breaking up. But, the lull conversation was about whether or not Chanukah was the holiday with the "spinny candles" or the "matzoh or whatever". They left, I suppose properly broken up, and were replaced with another couple that might be the loudest two people I've come across lately. Braying, people. This woman is braying.

Anyway.

Speaking of holidays-- what are you fine people doing for Thanksgiving? I'm doing the usual. Community kitchen with my peeps. Cook, serve, clean-up and, can I tell you, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love hearing about unusual holiday traditions that people come up with and how they came up with them or evolved them or whatnot. Point being, let's hear it. What do youse do for Thanksgiving?

Let's see, what else is the haps today? I suppose that's it for today. There was this very weird fog over Chicago all day that smelled like ocean and felt like a sauna. The morning was warm, then it chilled as the day went on. So weird. Anyway, I kept my head down and worked all day on odds and ends and am super happy tonight about that.

My Jewcy post is up today, of course. Todays' topic is about an organization that addresses domestic violence in Jewish homes, particularly addressing young girls to educate them about financial independence from their partners, recognizing dynamics of healthy/unhealthy relationships and the like. Good organization. Anyway, I wrote a little round up about it.

Speaking of writing-- thank all of you who wrote such kind emails to me about the tiny sneak preview of my second novel. Very nice of you and, hello I am human, so positive feedback certainly gives me a lift.

I've got to get out of this cafe. Even earbuds full of Beethoven can't tune out this crazy donkey laugh this woman has going on next to me. HUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKHAHAHAHAHA Daaaaaavid, you're so funnnnnnyyyyyyyy! HHUUUUNNNNKKKK! Think Fran Drescher meets, well, yeah, a donkey. Gahhhd.

(Local bands, I give you full permission to use "earbuds full of Beethoven" as you see fit.)

"SING YOUR LIFE"

Hello, dears. How was your day? Oh? Sorry to hear that. Mine? Oh, well, thanks for asking. Well, you know. Odds and ends. This and that. Oh, sure, I'd love a glass. That's nice of you. Thanks.

That was weird. Sorry.

I've managed a lot of weird injuries in my life (big scar on my leg from an iron burn, foot arch pinned to a curb by a bicycle pedal, busted lip from a snowball fight, a piece of tile cut my ear, a doorbell cut my head, accidentally hit in the bad knee with a crowbar, broken molar from plain chocolate ice cream, etc.) and gotten banged up rather nicely in a big car accident, and I like to build and play with my powertools, and I've snowboarded and wiped out on my face, and I run and I've wiped out and slid across an intersection on my belly, but not until today have I ever cut an elbow open and it was weird. Maybe the weirdest cut I've ever had. I banged it on a heavy metal banister (stupid industrial decor!) corner and the thing just busted right open and man, oh man, it was gross and I kept wiping blood all over the place. And you guys know how I feel about blood.

So, guess what you get to read in about ten days? A preview of my new novel! Good ol' Rob McEvily over at Six Sentences was kind enough to agree to run six sentences from the first chapter. I'm excited to show all of youse. I hope you like it. It's very different form Three Fallen Women.

Let's see, what on earth else? Things are going swimmingly over at Jewcy, where I moved from guest to resident, which is very exciting. Five days a week, folks, get your hippie-Jewy freak-on with yours truly. Like today, par example, I wrote a little post about Jewish Book Month and the Celebration of Jewish Books, the (excuse me for saying so) alarmingly large book festival descending upon Los Angeles next week. No love for the indies, but when the broham decided to make a book fest, he wanted it big and he did it so good for him.

Does someone want o let me use their film equipment? I think I could make a pretty film. Motels, cigarettes, disheveledness, fuckedupedness, danger, nighttime, running, shitty cars, a roadtrip. It'd be great!

"SING YOUR LIFE...?"

I woke up with that song from that Gilda Radner sketch Jewess Jeans in my head...

Designer nails and a designer no-ose!
She's an American Princess and a Disco Queen!
She's the Jewess in Jewess Je-eeeaaans! The Jewess in Jewess Je-eeeaaaans!

So, today is off to a funny start. I am going from thing to thing to thing today. Busy, busy, B-U-S-Y, bizzay.

But, you know the drill:

Click for free.
Click to give. (Final week!)
Click to buy nail polish called pink ribbon and pink toothpaste to clean your filthy-ass mouth.

"HOW I LOVE ALL OF THE VERY SIMPLE THINGS OF LIFE"

Hi.

Rosh HaShanah services were great; I enjoy how cool and socially-responsible/eco-minded/"kindness-really-matters" my rabbi is. The shofar, well, group of them actually, sounded great; I welled-up. Tashlich was great; I took off my shoes and wiggled my toes on the beach sand. The social at Leah's after was great; I drank a lot of coffee and laughed very hard and talked to very nice people. Mermaidhead and hubby had the bris for wee Neptune tonight; I welled up. Going to Omaha in the morning, it'll be great.

"IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY"

Shanah Tovah, how are we all doing this fine evening? I had many adventures today. Let's make a list. I like lists.

• Writing: My Jewcy post went up about security and hate crime. I thank all of youse for the lovely emails that have come in about my post from a couple of days ago explaining some details about the holiday.
  
• Circumcision: I got a crash course in infant kippot as the bris for Neptune is tomorrow afternoon and finding a kippah for a 4.9 lb. baby is quite an adventure.
• Cars: What started out as an oil change and a fuel injector cleaning fluid quest ended with, yes an oil change and fuel injector cleaning fluid, but also in four new tires.
  
• Wax/Fetuses: My eyebrow wax lady produced a magazine for me in Vietnamese that showed Chinese families boiling female fetuses and plunking them into placenta soups for men to eat for increased virility.
  
• Bread/Blisters: I got a big, delicious sample of Leah's freshly baked challah when I brought by some apples for her afternoon social thing tomorrow, but only after she gave me Band-Aids for the blisters on my heel because I walked from the tire place to her condo, and these places are not so close together, and did so in shoes I did not expect to walk so far in.
• Rosh HaShanah: Post-car stuff, I didn't get my act together in time for any Rosh HaShanah festivities tonight, but I'll be there in the morning. Tonight feels autumney and cozy and introspective and just perfect for the occasion. I just love Rosh to bits. I'm so excited for the Shofar in the morning. My rabbi can play the shit out of a shofar. For the 411 on a shofar, please watch the worst cheesiest video ever. How coked out funny is that kid? Speaking of the shofar, it has come to my attention that some speaking-in-tongues fundamentalists have started using them in connection with "feeling the spirit" type events and they get played all cheesebag super-serious and more like French horn. This, of course, makes me a little iddly. See dull-ass creep-out co-opting here and completely creepy hoedown shouting about Jesus here. (Not that there is anything wrong with having JC as your homeboy) Please note, this is not what happens in a synagogue. I would die! It's more like this, but indoors and with this kind of milling-around chaos and less shrieking.
  
• Shofar/Angry Cat: If you would like to irritate the shit out of your cat, sit around watching shofar clips on YouTube.
• Media: I mastered sending pics to Flickr from my Blackberry and I am glad.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

As promised, here is my latest on Jewcy about explaining Jew Stuff to non-Jews when asked.

"UNITE AND TAKE OVER"

Well, kids, despite a tornado or four, falling trees, workers with chainsaws working to free smashed cars, and city-wide flooding, last night at The Fixx was great fun!

Both Adam Levin...

...and Wendy McClure...


...braved the end of the world weather and brought the funny and the awesome. Unfortunately, my camera got a little temporarily botched en route, so I deeply regret that I can't offer you any new photographs, especially since everyone looked smashing. (And, I would have liked to offer further proof that I own more than one skirt.)

Hopefully, Wendy and Adam will be around here on Bigmouth soon for an installation of Guthmantics, but in the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for happenings from either of them, as they are both talented and delightful.

In other news:

Fish can be assholes. Speak with Gary at The Fixx. He showed me last night post-reading that a tiny, pretty orangey fish killed/ate his baby's mama (thus earning the name "OJ") and is now trying to eat a giant black Oscar fish peck by peck. Fish can be assholes.

Schwartzy has a very funny piece up at Six Sentences.

My final post from my guest spot over at Jewcy is up. Thanks to Jewcy and and all its Jewcyness for having me over. I am honored to have been in such great company.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Oh, I nearly forgot! My stint at Jewcy continues today with this post.

Chicago is about to get clobbered with a badass thunderstorm. Not that a widdle biddy flash flood and severe thunderstorm warning issued by the National Weather Service is anything to stop all of youse from coming to The Fixx tonight:

"SECONDS TO SPARE"

My guest spot at Jewcy continues with this piece today about asking for help, if any of youse are interested.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Also, look what just got posted! I've hinted about it, but now it's on. Read all about it over on Jewcy.com by clicking here.

"I KEEP MINE HIDDEN"

I sometimes am hesitant to link to jewy things here because, you know how it is, everyone has their own reasons for finding meaning in anything and none of us can speak for anyone but ourselves. So, when I link to something, to provide explanation of some kind to you, my dear readers, I really try to link carefully because there are so many, many, many explanations online and every explanation offered up is, you know, right and okay and valid if someone finds meaning in it. So, I try to find a general, straightforward, no-frills, somewhat journalistic explanation and link to that (Which, let me tell you, is harder than it might look.) and figure that if anyone wants my two cents, for whatever reason, they'll ask. Just had to say that.

That said, dude, I totally almost spaced out on Tisha B'Av (The most continuously unforch of days) but managed to salvage it at the last second. Oops. Anyway, to my fellow Heebs and Heebettes, I hope you're having an easy and meaningful fast, if that is your bag and you are fasting today, or having a meaningful experience, however and whatever parts you observe. And, hello, you know I'm always pleased about a clean-the-house holiday. (Old custom to clean your house on the afternoon of Tisha B'Av. Long story. Just take my word for it.)

Anyway, how are all of you? Gosh, I've been a little busy lately (see previous paragraph), but it's all very good stuff that I've been up to. A couple of new gigs, a new direction for a project or two. I still feel like I don't have much to say after that not having breast cancer thing but who knows why really. Things just seem so good and kvetching seems petty lately. When I'm saying I don't have much that needs reporting, I mean it. No news is really fucking great news, folks. That's for sure. This very smooth sailing, no-drama, healthy living, smiley, easy-going shit is the best.

But, I was wondering earlier today about how hard it must suck to have the job of wearing the mascoty, animaley suits at theme parks because I overheard a woman talking about a recent trip to Disneyworld. Yeah, I think it probably would suck pretty hard.

Oh, and I did see a dude today wearing white glasses. White glasses. Yeah. Unforch.

"AS I LIVE AND BREATHE"

This morning, I was sort of peripherally dealing long-distance with this uber-petty woman who was being needlessly catty in the face of another woman's generosity and kindness, mostly just to feel superior to the kind and generous woman. I could go on my usual tangent about how frustrating it is to see women being unsupportive of one another, what a shame it is, how irritating it is to me when I so believe in supporting people we care about, how there is no harm in helping others do well... but, this afternoon, I had one of those moments when the universe opens up and throws an bit of perspective into place. As inappropriate as it was, when this snapped into place, I laughed.

You see, shortly after, I get a message that M., a 31-year-old breast cancer survivor, will likely not be a survivor of breast cancer any longer.

And, do you know something? M. has a better attitude about dying than Uber-Petty Woman has about a conversation with another woman she perceives as a threat.

Just let that sink in a moment and then shake your head because it is a fucking shame and a half.

I went to shul tonight, because it's one of the only places I can fucking think sometimes. Not think as in figure out or decide, but think as in consider, think as in allow, think as in sit with things for what they are.

I didn't go tonight for what is there, but more for what is not.

"HONEYPIE, WE'RE NOT SAFE HERE"

Chag Sameach! It's Purim!

After much debate between going to the big shul's Purim boozefest or the little shul's Drag King-as-Queen Esther hoedown, it looks like Irish Ho and I will be heading to the big shul's boozefest. Irish Ho is a super pal and always sticks close for the Jewy holidays and does them up right, so I sometimes give her the Honorary Member of the Tribe title. I've busted out Shabbat candles and Chanukah candles in front of her so many times, she practically knows the brachot in her little Catholic heart. Anyway, Irish Ho wants to help do it up for Purim, so I decided to give her the full experience at the big shul. I mean, last year was pretty delightful at this synagogue, so what the plop, eh?

I don't half-ass the Megillah reading, either. Nope, I fix a cocktail, get my gragger ready to roll and sit my ass down for the long haul. Tonight likely won't be nearly as lively as this dude's Purim party, but it'll still be a hoot.

If you're up for a little read, this is an interesting feminist take on the whole mess tonight.

Oh, and speaking of fabulous ladies, head over and say hello at Yo Yenta's place and read her Purim post. I laughed, I gasped, I laughed some more!

"NEWS ON THE RADIO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

One of my nearest and dearest celebrates her birthday today. Here's what we're going to do. Everyone face New England and shout, "Happy Birthday, Sandy!" at the top of your lungs. Ready, set, go...!

"OTHER VOICES"

Last night, I went out to Knishmas and had a blast. Everyone go over to Jewish Fringe and tell Mr. Mensch (Adam Davis) what a kickass job he did putting it all together.

That was me in the pigtails getting the hora going. Both times. Sure, I had help, but, um yeah, that was me up there. Considering I drank very little and wasn't anywhere near tipsy, I have a wicked hangover today. Nothing that a little Chinese and a movie won't fix.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS, DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

A friend of mine asked me what the hell kind of meme could I possibly be doing that exempts me from answering the questions myself? Then a regular reader commented. Then three emails came in. Finally, last night, a friend sent me a text, assuring me she was curious about my answers. Fair enough. My people have spoken.

Here goes...



1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren’t already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

I'm really a latke purist. I using good yukon gold potatoes, shredding the little bastards, wringing the shreds out in a hand towel before I add any of the other ingredients (that's key) and I like using the best olive oil to fry them in and serving them with only sourcream and apple sauce. I made curry cream sauce for them last year that were damn good. And, once I was given a fancy latke on a bed of arugula and balsamic with a poached quail egg on top. That was pretty great. But, let's say I was going to Pimp My Latke. Let's just say. I would add a variety of minced wild mushrooms and shallots to the batter, then serve with sage sour cream and something like port-poached diced apples. That'd be pretty good I think.

I'm sure I have told you guys, by the way, about my "Tribe Sandwich", no? It's my favorite sandiwich ever and always take them with me when i travel because they make me so happy. They are made thusly: toast a little pumpernickel bread, add mayo, mustard, applesauce, soy pepperjack cheese, tofurkey and latkes. Sounds like a big disaster but I can assure absolute deliciousness.

2. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

It's a toss-up... (a) "Merry.. um, how do you say it in Jewish?" and (b) back in the day when I was working in retail, a couple came into the store and asked another associate if we carried "menorahs or dreidels or any other Chanukah stuff". The associate turned and shouted across the store to the manager, "We don't got no Jewish stuff, huh?" I wanted to hide behind my crappy plastic nametag. I was mortified, but grabbed them and dragged them to the Judaica. Oh and (c) "So, wait, you guys don't celebrate Christmas at Jewish church? Weird. I'd kill myself if I didn't have Christmas."

3. What’s the best possible use for olive oil?

I rub a little on my nails and cuticles.. voila! Instant manicure. Or, rub a little on the feet, put on thick socks and go to bed. No raggedy-ass hands or rough heels here. But, dipping sourdough bread into good olive oil is pretty great, too. Uh, not the same oil I put on my hands and feet. That's be more than a little bit freaky. Though, I guess you could just dip your bread and let it get all over your hands and kill two of three birds with one stone. Eh, yeah. Multitasking is cool.

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which to you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Sufganyiot are better than hammentaschen. But, latkes are better than sufganyiot. Savory trumps sweet in my world.

5. What’s the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

At the little soiree at my place back on the first night, we kicked it seventh grade style and turned it into a game of truth or dare. I did a tap dance, which was a riot. But, I think Mad Words had he best idea of shouting expletives after each spin like, "Shin, beyotch!"

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the lives of three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

Hmm. Good question, Amy-self. I'm glad you asked. Let's see. Let's say I could get anyone, from any time. Betty Friedan? Gertrude Stein? Erica Jong? Susan Sontag? Wow, there are a lot of righteous Heebettes to pick from. You know, I think life is serious enough. Let's keep this one light and silly. Gilda Radner for sure. Sarah Silverman. My friend Sandy. We'd go nuts. It'd be a riot.

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

My second book? Okay, that was shameless. Forget it. Actually, I just saw this book called Subversive Crosstitch and was howling! I'd would sew these hilarious things for all of you. Who doesn't need a wall-hanging with pretty flowers and the words "you suck" gingerly stitched across it? I pick that one. Wow, put that in a gift bag with (another one of my BFFs) Jenny Hart's Sublime Stitching and you'd have one badass crafty little gift on your hands. (That I would gladly accept. Or steal from you when you weren't looking. Whatever it takes.)

8. What bloggers didn’t participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

Well, next year, I'm going to try to hunt you all down again and do this all over. But, some are bound to have issued restraining orders against me by then. Some are bound to move away, make aliyah, decide I'm just not that cool and steer clear, get really famous and decide to forget me. Some of you will be busy doing very exciting things, running from the law, getting divorced, getting hitched, etc..... point being, next year, some of you are bound to be absent. so, I'll wishfully tag Bex Schwartz. Sarah Silverman. That Black Lesbian Jew. Maybe a couple of dirty old ladies. Maybe a couple of dirty old men. We'll just have to wait and see. That's the thing with this tag on this meme, it's a little different. But, here we are on the final countdown of Chanukah and if you weren't posting but wanted to, go for it. Anytime today, post away. Or, heck, why no tomorrow, too? You have until sundown on Saturday to post your little heart out.

I'll be back later today with the final eight candles (you guys are in for a rare treat!) and whoever else I hear about posting, also. We'll just have to wait and see.

(By the by, did anyone see this? Some schmuck is pretending to be Jewish now to... pick up chicks? What is this? Is this a thing? Are some dudes doing this? Haha. I just have this vision of fratboys getting all Woody Allen'd up o get ladies... oh man.)

"I DON'T MIND IF YOU FORGET ME"

You know what I'd like to see? A renewed interest among Jews, to be sure, but really among everyone, to think more about gossip.

The following is an excerpt from Joseph Telushkin:

"As a rule, most people seem to think that there's nothing morally wrong in spreading negative information about others as long as the information is true. Jewish law takes a different view. Perhaps that's why the Hebrew term lashon ha-ra (literally, "bad language" or "bad tongue") has no precise equivalent in English. For unlike slander, which is universally condemned as immoral because it's false, lashon ha-ra is by definition true. It's the dissemination of accurate information that will lower the status of the person to whom it refers. I translate it as "negative truths."

Jewish law forbids spreading negative truths about anyone unless the person to whom you're speaking needs the information. It's a serious offense, one that has been addressed by many non-Jewish ethicists as well. Two centuries ago, Jonathan K. Lavater, a Swiss theologian and poet, offered a still apt guideline for the spreading of such news: "Never tell evil of a man if you do not know it for a certainty, and if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, 'Why should I tell it?'"

Intention has a great deal to do with the circumstances in which it's prohibited to speak negative truths. The same statement, depending on the context, can constitute a compliment, gossip of the nondefamatory sort, or the more serious sin of lashon ha-ra.

Unfortunately, this doesn't deter many people from speaking negative truths. Such gossip is often so interesting that it impels many of us to violate the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Although we'd probably want similarly embarrassing information about ourselves to be kept quiet, many of us refuse to be equally discreet about others' sensitive secrets.

The injunction against lashon ha-ra doesn't apply only to the use of words. Making a face when someone's name is mentioned, rolling one's eyes, winking, or saying sarcastically, "So-and-so is very smart" are all violations of the law. Since lashon ha-ra is considered anything that lowers another person's status, it's irrelevant whether one uses a nonverbal technique to commit it. Jewish law calls this behavior avak lashon ha-ra (the "dust of lashon ha-ra").

Other examples of such "dust" include innuendo--"Don't mention Paula's name to me. I don't want to say what I know about her." It's equally wrong to imply that there's something derogatory about a person's earlier life: "Who of us who knew Jonathan years ago would have guessed that he'd achieve the success he has now?"

The "dust of lashon ha-ra" encompasses a whole range of stratagems by which people sometimes damage reputations without saying anything explicitly critical. For example, it's morally wrong to show someone a letter you've received that contains spelling mistakes if all you wish to do is cause the reader to have a diminished respect for the letter writer's intelligence."

The catalyst, you see, is that I came to realize just how sensitive I am to it. It's downright hurtful to hear about anyone, but especially about oneself. I've had plenty of things in my life that have been gossipped about and every time, it hurt. It really did. And, perhaps the most frustrating thing about gossip is that when gossip is heard, all too often, it is accepted as truth and never questioned. I wonder how many friendships are denied before they ever begin simply because nobody ever bothered to ask the gossip target if any of it was true?

I have been thinking of this a lot lately because it's remarkable just how much I was hearing in a day. And, I'm far from perfect, and yet so irritated by gossip anymore that I had to make sure I wasn't contributing. So, I have a jar in my cupboard that will get a dollar plunked into it if I think back over my day and realize that I have gossipped. I find it so hurtful, for whatever reason, that I understand why gossip is on par with murder. Both are terribly hurtful offenses and neither can be taken back once they are comitted.

ESHET CHAYIL

I need to find Jewish sex workers and former sex workers to interview for a pro-sex writing project. And, on the way back burner is still my Jew Tattoo Taboo debunking project. Anyone?

Did I mention I am on day two of a concussion? Oy, my kepieleh!