"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Tomorrow evening, I'm doing a super fun reading series called Quickies! Quickies! is a monthly reading of very short prose. Each reader has five minutes to read a complete work of prose. No excerpts. No cheating. No nonsense. They blow whistles and kazoos and all sorts of stuff at readers if they go over five minutes by even a second. So, I'm practicing today, so make sure my piece fits. Here's hoping! If you're free, the Innertown is a darn good bar and I'd just love to see your smiling faces.

Tuesday, July 8 (That's tomorrow!)

featuring:

Jessi Lee Gaylord
Matt Test

yours truly

Mary Hamilton

Lindsay Hunter

Maria Parrott
and Mary Cross

The details:

QUICKIES!

July 8

7:30 pm

The Innertown Pub

1935 W Thomas

(accessible by the Blue line (Damen or Division stop) #50 Damen bus and #70 Division bus)

quickieschicago.blogspot.com

Also, check out my interview on HellaSound.com about running and writing with HellaSound founder John Frenette.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS"

This is tomorrow night. Go.
Also...

Friend of friend needs to find a good great home for two adorable golden labs. Their new baby has a terrible allergy to them! Kitty and I are just about all this apartment can handle, or I'd do it myself. If anyone has any thoughts on the matter or wants to chat with the owners, please email me and I'll loop you and hook it all up.

Now.

Jewcy post is up and, ahem, now for, a uh, vanterie sans scruple. Behold! Guth on film. This was the reading that I got nervous and took my bra off when an audience member brought her own scraps of paper to crumple and toss, as you can see for a second when a tiny yellow thing flies by and I laugh at it.

"THE STORY OF MY LIFE"

My Jewcy post is up today. Tomorrow I'm dropping a heavy-on-the-explanations post, so I kept it light today with some Rosh HaShanah funnies and some lighthearted ragging on President Chickenhawk. Um, and in my digging around on YouTube, I found this funny clip about modern Jesus on a date that I thought I'd share. I like the idea of Jesus being a playah.

I have sort of a lot to do over the next two days, but it's all good. I'm cleaning my apartment super-well (as is sort of the custom to do just before Rosh HaShanah and especially Passover), and taking care of odds and ends, and I'm making a little pile of stuff to get rid of. I'm going to try to do a blog yard sale and see how it goes. It'll involve links, PayPal and maybe the post office, but it's worth a try. I'd rather you guys have my junk than a random Craigslist peep. And, I can't get a straight answer as to whether or not I need to get a permit to have an actual yard sale, so we'll see what happens. Might be super spiffy fun.

Can I tell you? I woke up this morning freezing! Fall is finally here, it seems, and I am happy beyond. I love fall like a mmmmuuuutherfucker. Puts me in The Best mood.

In other news, I hope everyone caught Schwartzeleh's post about Big Vaginas, because it made me laugh my ass off, PNC281's email this morning made my day, Adam Deutsch gave a nice little shout-out, I'm coloring my hair with burgundy, pink and brown, I saw a PVC-fashioned missile on top of a plumbing van with a sign that read been lookin' for Ben Laden, I sort of got invited to play fairy glitter dress up for Mardi Gras from one of my dahlink nola BFFs, Miss Quoted, and, I think that's it for now.

Back to tidying.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

As promised, here is my latest on Jewcy about explaining Jew Stuff to non-Jews when asked.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS, DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

So, it's beena while since we've had a nice vanterie sans scruple over here. Here's this, check this out. I got quoted a few times in this article Beth Morrissey wrote over on Women on Writing about promoting your writing through your blog. I'm so flattered she asked to interview me for it. How cool!

Oh, shit my throat hurts. No! Nonono! I'll just ignore it. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll just ignore it and it'll go away. The vague fever, too. If I don't acknowledge, none of it will exist.

(Who are you kidding, Guthieroo?)

I'll be snorting lines of Emergen-C and crushed up Airborne if any of youse need me. I shouldda known something was off when I didn't feel like going to the gym this afternoon and when Spaghettios, grilled cheese and soda on ice sounded spectacular for dinner. That's always what I jones for when I'm getting sicky. Spaghettios or tomato soup, either one. Dead giveaways. Damnit.

Must! Keep! Writing! Manuscript! Humming! Along so! Well!

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Ohh! Vanterie sans scruple! The fabulous Shelly Rae Rich posted an interview with yours truly with part one here and then part two right here.

Thank you, Shell!

"GOLDEN LIGHTS, DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Hey, looky who is over on The Nervous Breakdown.

"ASSEMBLE THE WAYS"

Hello, hello! Plenty to discuss today. First, another piece of news I've had to keep quiet is now yours to know. I am reading with one of my very favorite people. It doesn't get much better.

May 22nd
Amy Guth and Timothy Schaffert Reading
The Fixx Coffee Bar, 7:30 pm on
3053 N. Sheffield Ave. in Chicago

This is that awesome little coffee bar right by the Vic Theater. Know it and love it. The place is great, the owners are great. You'll never want to set foot in a Starbucks again. This reading, ladies and gentlemen, is going to be great. You'll love Timmy and his writing so, so, so much.

Next item on the agenda is a shameless vanterie sans scruple. I have another piece up over on Six Sentences today called "At Sevens". Feel free. I'll wait here while you check it out.


Thanks!

So, last night, a relative I haven't seen in yeeeeears was in town, so we got together for dinner and caught up, which was a lovely time. After, a series of evens led me to be reminded how easily threatened I am when it comes to feeling vulnerable or weak. When did I turn into a fratboy? Feel vulnerable and act out? Great plan, Ames, great plan. It really accomplishes little but making me look neurotic instead of vulnerable, then feeling as if I must explain myself, which only leads to vulnerability anyway. Oy.

Anyway.

I'm working today on odds and ends today and getting ready to take off to Austin on Monday. Must go to the post office. Must. No fooling around. Oy.

"ASSEMBLE THE WAYS"

I've kept you in suspense long enough. Well, actually, I'll have to keep you in suspense on two items, but one big and awesome and spectacular piece of news is ready to announce right away!

(ahem)

On June 1st, come on out to one of my very favorite places in Chicago, The Hideout and watch yours truly in The Dollar Store Show, which you can read all the particulars of right here. So exciting, no?

I'm not going to tell any of youse what my dollar store item is that I'll be building my writing/piece/jackassery around, so you're just going to have to come out and see for yourselves.

"IF YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO SPARE"

Ohh, look! The Author/Asshole project got a shout-out on Media Bistro today.

"STRETCH OUT AND WAIT"

Ladies and gentlemen, girls, guys and otherwise, I am proud to present you with my contribution to Authors and Their Assholes: A Tribute To Kurt Vonnegut over on Vonnegut's Asshole. Check it out right here, if you please.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Ah, the vanterie sans scruple returns! Read this. Third paragraph. How come nobody told me I fall into the "writers, participants and notables" category, eh?

Anyway, fun, right?

Off to work out. I need a treadmill.

"GOLDEN LIGHTS, DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Hey folks. I just finished up both my panel and my reading and feel like they both went wonderfully. Update and specifics to follow in a bit. i just wanted to pop on and offer a little vanterie sans scruple that I really got a kick out of.

Get a load of this.

More later. We haven;t talked in ages, bloggy-friends.

"(FL)USH AND THE LAND IS OURS"

Hey, look! It's sort of another vanterie sans scrupule, in a weird way. Anyhoot, click right here and see how I made it onto The Bathroom Blog tonight! Wait-- you don't know about The Bathroom Blog? Well, it's just about as awesome as it sounds. You go to a noteworthy bathroom, take some pictures, and send them to the genius behind the blog. Easy, peasy.

In other news:

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Still sick, but on the upswing.

I got motivated and went to the supermarket a yesterday afternoon. I walked in and was met with a most unusual scene. The upperclassmen of a fraternity had descended upon the store for a scavenger hunt and were playing produce football, launging with the manager, shouting things to each other like, "Big fag Slovieski on aisle four!"

Good times. I rallied for a bit and went to dinner with Partridge and Waterflicker and strangely, was approached by a woman with a tiny notebook, asking us to write a few things about purple. I jotted her a little story about purple a guy, whom the narrator hated and was saddened by, though she kept his goldfish. Waterflicker wrote her a haiku and Partridge gave her a list of sorts. Anyway, I wasn't able to rally for long, as I haven't had much sleep in the past week or so, so I started to fade and went home and right to bed.

Anyhoot, if you will again pardon me for a vanterie sans scrupule, three reviews I wrote are up on Bookslut. Swing by. Give them a look. Click around.

Because I haven't been terribly productive in the last few days because I haven't been feeling too spiffy, I woke up with that vague panic this morning that I get when I feel behind. Back to work.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

I just woke up with a jolt and decided that tonight, right now, is the moment to make an announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, girls, guys and otherwise, the moment you've all been, I'm sure, eagerly awaiting! The winner of the "What I Did With Her Book" Contest is...

(drumroll)

Ms. Melissa Snyder of Seattle, WA, who so creatively and bravely sealed my book in plastic and took it scuba-diving! What a pain in the ass that must have been for her, right? Well, in any case, Melissa, we're all glad you did it. And, you shall be richly rewarded with great praise of your efforts (see below) and bragging rights like a mofo.



Letter In Praise of Melissa (as read by Kelsey Grammar):

Dearest Scuba Mel,

Do you mind being called Mel?

When you jump in the water, how do you resist the urge to shout "Dive! Dive! Dive!" in bubbled-underwater speak?

Upon first glimpse of your thoughtful photograph, who would not be stunned by your painstaking effort? Then, who would subsequently not be terrified by your suction-forced expression and lack of inhibition sucking on a regulator, or whatever the hell that thing is in your mouth..? Well-played, dear lady! Well-played! It is the sincerest of hopes that the murky waters you graced with your diving were not nearly as icy as they appeared, and that your copy of these ramblings escaped destruction in this project of yours. Oh, how we sacrifice for art! We do! We do! Dearest lady, your efforts are so appreciated! And so celebrated! And so positively wonderful that no other photograph could even begin to compare to your genius. Farewell, sweet Melissa. May your Scuba adventures be bright.

You have my artistic respect for all time,
Amy Guth.

And (shameless plug disguised as something else), I even was able to pull a string or two and get dear Melissa's genius discussed at the very eleventh hour in the recent issue of Cliterature Journal.

For kicks, I'll post a few photos that were narrowly beaten out by Dear Scuba Mel. Gimmie a day or two to get those ducks in a row. Uh, I feel like I should have a model release form for one of them.

But, right now, we celebrate Scuba Mel! Cheers to Scuba Mel!