"AND IF YOU LIKE YOU CAN BUY THE RING"

Word. I am blogging via BlackBerry again, heading at the moment towards the Iowa border to make it to Omaha this evenng for a wedding tomorrow. I have a little lunchbag packed with ToFurkey sandwiches on toast so I don't have to hunt for vegetarian fare in Iowa. Which is never a great idea, unless you really like iceberg lettuce and fries or are in Iowa City.

How was Thanksgiving? Mine was lovely. PNC281, Irish Ho and I served up some dinner and dished up to-go boxes at the community kitchen. We met a guy named Jim from Rome and he and I bonded over bemoaning the American breadmaking industry. Some of the same volunteers were there from last year, as were some patrons. I just love my Thanksgiving tradition.

Okay, back to the road. More later, dolls.

"SECONDS TO SPARE"

Blogging via Blackberry again. From my cozy bed in the art studio in Omaha. Yawn.

Yesterday was bizz-ay. Remember how last year I blogged all weekend during the lit fest? Not a moment to spare this year! But, tomorrow, I will write a long post with all the goods. In a nutshell, though, Omaha is lovely as ever, my hosts are charming and generous, the panels were a hill of fun yesterday, the Dollar Store Show went well, I met a lot of great people, I talked with a few people I already know and/or met last year, the weather is chilly and I couldn't be hapier about that, Jami Attenberg and I are driving back to Chicago today just after the author brunch this morning, I now own a t-shirt with Timothy Schafert on it, and... I think that's it. For now.

"YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY"

Hey gang.

Just talked to Mr. Mermaidhead. Wee Neptune, while doing wonderfully and probably very happy to be home, now weighs less than 5 lbs. What a tiny baby. He shrank! When I ditch the sniffles and this cough, I'll go give him his awesome welcome gift-- wanna know what it is? Well, Mermaidhead peeks in here at Bigmouth from time to time (though I doubt she has time to do any such thing right now) so just to be sure, see the awesome thing right here. Adorable beyond!

Let's see, what else do I know? We've raised 70% of my fundraising goal for the Making Strides event, which is awesome and I thank you all. I'm the #12 fundraiser for the event, which is fine by me-- I don't care who is raising the money as long as it gets raised, so it only means someone else is raising more. Dig. Want to help? Click here to donate and while you're clicking, we should all click here to get corporate sponsors to fund mammography for women who can't otherwise afford it. See, I'm handing good deeds to you for the doing.

Now.

My guest spot continues at Jewcy for another month starting today. I'll link it up proper when I get the post up in a bit. I had a brainstorm about letting my almost-finished next novel absorb a half-finished novel that I've had in the hatch for several months, and I like this idea very much, as it fixes where I was held up/in need of a little polish in both texts.

My awesome coffeeshop friend, Montana the Canadian World Sailor, just offered me an extra Cubs-Cards ticket for today. I can't go because theres much to do today, but it did remind me I've only been to one baseball game this summer. For shame!

I want to go to Buenos Aries and Santiago. Big time.

"FIVE SECONDS TO SPARE"

1. Back from Disco Wisco, rested and happy.

2. Ben Tanzer is a nice boy. Read what he wrote about my Three Fallen Women.

3. Come out to The Fixx Reading Series on Thursday night and meet Wendy McClure and Adam Levin. Get the scoop, links, directions by clicking here.

"AS I LIVE AND BREATHE"

I'm writing from the coffeeshop, which I haven't done in a while. A dude is trying to read over my shoulder. Yes, you, you right there at the table behind me with your earbuds so loud I can hear your Daughtry CD and with that unforch loud mouth-breathing. You.

That's better. A little calling out never hurt.

I moved to the library. The coffeeshop had unforch music, the noisy dude behind me air-drumming and stomping and going bah-bah-BAH-bah it's not oooooovAH try to bah-bah-bah-BAH-BAH-BAH time around, then there was the convo to my right about a bladder infection, the shrieking kids, the dirtbag staring at every woman in the place (3 including me), and I'd forgotten my earbuds to block out noise, so I suddenly had a terribly feeling in my chest child, you aren't going to get shit done in here today.

So, I'm going to be in Madison tomorrow night, but not for a reading. I'll scope-out reading spots, to be sure, but I'm just going to chill. Imagine that, Amy Guth, chillin'. I got up this morning and stirred around a bit and wore myself out and got all winded again. Whodathunk a little poke in the lung would be so unforch?? Not I, that's for sure. I feel like such a wuss. Anyway, I'm not taking fitness attire or running shoes with me to Madison, so even if routine urge-to-move strikes, I have no choice but to chill.

"I SAID I LIKE IT HERE, CAN I STAY?"

Okay, I had a dream last night that I made this list of the wonders of the world and checked everything off of it, having seen it all. I did a little Googling, and realized I, doy, have a long way to go.

The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

• The Great Pyramid of Giza
• The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
• The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
• The Statue of Zeus at Olympia
• The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
• The Colossus of Rhodes
• The Pharos of Alexandria

The Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind

• Stonehenge
• The Colosseum
• The Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa
• The Great Wall of China
• The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing
• The Hagia Sophia
• The Leaning Tower of Pisa

The Seven Natural Wonders of the World

• Mount Everest
• The Great Barrier Reef
• The Grand Canyon
• Victoria Falls
• The Harbor of Rio de Janeiro
• Paricutin Volcano
• The Northern Lights

The Seven Underwater Wonders of the World

• Palau
• The Belize Barrier Reef
• The Galapagos Islands
• The Northern Red Sea
• Lake Baikal
• The Great Barrier Reef
• The Deep Sea Vents

The Seven Wonders of the Modern World

• The Empire State Building
• The Itaipú Dam
• The CN Tower
• The Panama Canal
• The Channel Tunnel
• The North Sea Protection Works
• The Golden Gate Bridge

The Seven Forgotten Natural Wonders of the World

• Angel Falls
• The Bay of Fundy
• Iguaçú Falls
• Krakatoa Island
• Mount Fuji
• Mount Kilimanjaro
• Niagara Falls

The Seven Forgotten Modern Wonders of the World

• The Clock Tower (Big Ben)
• Eiffel Tower
• The Gateway Arch
• The Aswan High Dam
• Hoover Dam
• Mount Rushmore National Memorial
• The Petronas Towers

The Seven Forgotten Wonders of the Medeival Mind

• Abu Simbel Temple
• Angkor Wat
• Taj Mahal
• Mont Saint-Michel
• The Moai Statues
• The Parthenon
• The Shwedagon Pagoda

The Forgotten Wonders

• The Aztec Temple
• The Banaue Rice Terraces
• The Borobudur Temple
• The Inca City
• The Statue of Liberty
• The Mayan Temples
• The Temple of the Inscriptions
• The Throne Hall of Persepolis
• Petra
• The Suez Canal
• The Sydney Opera House
• The Red Fort in India

How many have you seen? I can count my checkmarks on two hands. So? Anyone up for a trip?

"ASSEMBLE THE WAYS"

This is a good morning, I could just tell when I woke up. Strong, good coffee and sourdough toast with good butter might be my favorite way to start a weekday. I have a busy day today, my chickadees. But, you know, let's start the week off with a little good-doing, yes?

Click here, and sponsors will donate free mammography to women who can't otherwise afford it. Just click. It only takes a second, it costs you nothing, you'll start your week out on a positive note and it'll mean the world to the woman someplace you'll be helping. Blammo! So easy.

In other news, my folks are on a little trip and I am 99.9% sure they drunk dialed me last night. I also had a dream that to "better represent its political stance" the Canadian flag was blue and white instead of red and white. I dream about flags a lot. Wonder what that means?

I still cannot find my ID.

What's new with all of youse?

"REEL AROUND"

You guys! This is brand-new website it so cool! Pass it on. Booktour.

Who would like to give me a treadmill? No? Fine. Who would like to start a band? No? Fine.

So, Guths, as you might have figured out, are an open-to-possibility family, and as a result, often find ourselves on interesting adventures and pursuits. My parents, par example, are, as we speak, traveling to stay in one of the HGTV Dream Houses for the weekend. How did that happen that they get one of those places to themselves for the weekend? I don't think they are too sure, either. But, there they are, heading right in. So funny. Ma Guth said to me yesterday, I have to go shopping! I can't stay there in my regular clothes! I need to match that place! (Yeah right, like Ma Guth has ever been one to hang around in schmattas.) So, I sort of have this image of them wearing a dinner jacket and a flowy evening gown, respectively, just for cocktail hour. Eh, live it up, I say. Live it up. I have probably only seen them dolled up together maybe a handful of times since disco went by the wayside.

Now, I must put the following Canadian bands on your radar. Find them. Buy their stuff. Colourbook. Cobras Cobras Cobras. Les Autobus. And especially do not miss Wooden Sky. Possibly my new favorite band. (Click on their CBC link and scroll down to play their self-titled song. Ohhhh, I can't get enough of this song.) Wow, Canada really has their musical ducks in a row right now, don't they?

"NOW, TODAY, TOMORROW"

"I WILL SEE YOU IN FAR OFF PLACES"

So, it's 4:30am-ish, and I think I'm about set for Canada. Bag packed, apartment clean, passport set out where I can't forget it, yadda yadda. It'll be a fun time. Had a good weekend, and would again like to present a single-sentence stream-of-consciousness bit summing up my weekend:

errand, errand, Serbian laundry freakout, store's closed, brainstorm, can't cook I'll melt, Live Earth, fuckyouRichieSambora, timeline, 3 months, 5 months, Dukes of Hazard, passport, passport?, passport, passport?!?, passport, iddly-wonky, calm, okay, good, sleep, sleep, sleep, cat, wake, stupid Flanders cat, sleep, grapes, pack, can't cook I'll melt, must cook I'll wither, cooking leftovers, stupid rice, water, tea, melting, back to AC, melting, hot feet, meowy cat, restaurant reviews, eyeroll, sleep or nap or something, 3am get in gear

Now that I'm up, I think I want to sleep more. Oh, decisions. Sleep a little more and have to wait and hang out and get a late start to avoid Chicago rush hour, or suck it up and leave in the next two hours before rush hours starts. Hmm. Knowing me, I'll suck it up, but we shall see. (Update: I dicked around my apartment for so long trying to get it all together before sleeping a little more, that I think I need to suck it up and get going.)

Anyway. I'll blog from my travels, as per usual. I haven't been to Canada in a long time, so I'm excited to go again. Last time I was there, I went to Montreal and Quebec City, two other places I really love.

Remember, my dear Canadian (and Canadian border-near) readers, here is the scoop on my reading in Sault St. Marie. C'mon out, or send folks in your place. You know I like butts in seats for the readings. Er, I mean, an audience of smiling faces.

And... while I'm heading that direction, you can show a little love, if you like, to my hosts Uppercase Books and good ol' Bacon Bits and Midget Parts' Al Bjornaa. (Ohh, and check out a little blurb about them here).

"FOUND FOUND FOUND"

You guys, this website is so fun. It's called GoodReads, and while I have indeed mentioned it before, I don't think I realized how super-cool it is until I started playing around with it a bit last night. Go sign yourself up. It's very cool.

Then, you can friend request me right here. Pretty please.

So, show of hands, who is coming to my reading in Canada on Tuesday?

"IF YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO SPARE"

Random things:

1. You know, a few posts ago, Kapgar asked me, mostly jokingly, to clarify a bit when I said my Dad was on "the other side of the world". Turns out, he is, though not at an exact opposite location to Chicago. In discovering this, I found this website which is fun to play with. You set your location, then find out where you'd pop up if you were to dig a hole through the earth. I'd, uh, pop up just to the side of Australia if I dig from Chicago.

2. Paris Hilton might have to go back to jail. I am embarrassingly happy about this.

3. I still need one local author for the June 28th Fixx Reading Series night. I am taking nominations and suggestions. Aaaaaand, go.

4. I had a great long run and workout yesterday. I'm still running under my marathon pace, but I'm pacing okay considering I didn't really run all winter.

"HEIR APPARENT"

Tonight was pretty great.

To begin, my Dad just called from the other side of the world! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his cell phone number on my phone! First thing he said to me, So? Who won the ballgame? This call, of course, made me very happy. He said the large city he's been working in is a "total shithole", that the poverty was worse than he could have imagined it to be there. But, he called from an airport, as he is moving over to another smaller town tonight (well, it's tomorrow already for him) for a few days. I'll be glad to be in the same country again, but he seems to be having a good adventure, and I can't begrudge anyone that.

In pretty good news, I had a fine time at the baseball game tonight.


I wondered how it would be to go to a neutral game, and solo at that, but, you know, it was good. Irish Ho and her Dad were there, though in the swanksylvania section, so I waved at them when they decided to leave at the bottom of the 5th inning. I can't say I blame them; it was 52 degrees in Chicago tonight afterall. It was nice to just sit and enjoy baseball.

I was sitting around a bunch of dudes, and confused them completely. They kept asking when my "husband" was going to come back and fill the empty seat next to me. Yeah, right. Sorry fellas, I'm showed up alone, I'm going home alone. They didn't believe me until the 7th inning when one guy said to me, You really are here by yourself. I sat a while, then got up, came back with a soda and a giant order of nachos-- they half-kidded me that I'm too "little of a girl to eat jalapeno peppers" and so delighted in eating every last one. Is love of spicy food supposed to be masculine? Beats me. I'm all about the peppers, the hotsauce, all that. Love it.

Of course, this was a challenge, though I didn't realize it at the time. When a few of the guys around me got up and came back with nachos covered in peppers, I realized I'd thrown down a challenge without realizing it. I watched them slam beer, scoot peppers out of sight and turn bright red rather than admit it was just too warm. Haha. Sucka. That'll teach you.

On the train home, in small talk, I completely dissed a Mets fan, though I wasn't trying to. It was a long, chilly way home, but finally, I'm home, in bed, covers pulled up high, my cat curled up next to me and the space heater on. Yeah, the space heater. In June.

"REEL AROUND THE PROJECT"

Big deadliney day. I got some very vague parameters for this project, so I am mostly writing nothing. I wrote a little, but not a lot. Not as much as I need to write to work it out. Few things frustrate me as this issue does. Sometimes too much leeway makes my brain shut down, boggling with possibilities and unable to narrow any of them down to something useful.


In other news, my Dad made contact from his trip and appears not to have been kidnapped so I'm relieved, Mermaidhead is having a rough go of this pregnancy business and is on bedrest from here on out so I'm trying to think of fun activities I can supply her with that don't require moving, I need to track down one more author for the June 28th installation of the Fixx Reading Series, my cat figured out how to jump on top of the doors in the apartment, but can't figure out how to get down so he cries sadly from doortops, I just learned the term "cunt helmet" to describe a person switching into an unreasonably rude mode (As in: "Gee, I didn't get much sleep last night, so I totally have the cunt helmet on today." This is gold.), and boy, oh boy, is my head starting to hurt.

I believe I want a new trash can.

I also believe my cat hates my plants. C'mon plants, ignore that cat digging you up and live, damnit! Live! You were doing so well!

Seriously, I am so stumped on this writing project that I got down on my kitchen floor yesterday on all fours and scrubbed it down with bleach. Still, nothing. Sigh.

"I WAS HAPPY TO STAY"

Boy, oh boy do I have a lot to tell you guys. To begin, last night was so much fun! Unfortunately, Emerson Dameron was under the weather, and so rescheduled until next month. But, Jonathan Messinger was so very funny with his piece about liquid-filled mousepads, Neo-futurist founder, Greg Allen was a riot with his piece about a the nature of circles and orbs and lines, and as for me and my piece about fratboys... well, I have an innate inability to hear laugher while trying to create it, so I think my piece about fratboys did just fine, itself. Wait, here, I'll let you read it. S'okay. Gahead. Granted, you'll have to just imagine that I'm reading it poetry-slam style and you'll have to just image that I'm doing the voices of the valley girl receptionist, the drill sgt., and the fratboys, but I'm sure you can manage.

My favorite part, I must admit, was Abraham Levitan of Baby Teeth as the house band. He sat and took notes during each of our pieces and performed hilarious, beautiful, impromptu songs about each. I howled! So funny!

Let's see, post show, I chatted with darling Irish Ho and the wonderful Elizabeth Crane for a bit, made a few new friends including--- this is my favorite!-- a very wonderful writerly lady named Laura who told me she printed out my website pic long ago and gave it to her hairstylist for inspiration! Are you loving that as much as I am? Finally, years of hacking my own mop has paid off!

Then, I chatted more with Jonathan Messinger, Scott Stealey and had the pleasure of meeting Patrick Somerville, the fellow who was in the Chicago Reader's Fall Books issue with me last November... remember? Yes, him. So funny. All in all, it was a lovely night.

Pa Guth sent me a text message at 1am from an out-of-the-country airport as he made his way to his destination. Can't say I have ever gotten a text message from my Dad at that hour, so the timestamp made me laugh while I was having a little post-show bite with Irish Ho. It was prom night in Chicago last night, so we sat in a diner and admired the sparkled dresses and complicated hairstyles and laughed as we reminisced about our own prom nights years ago.

I think that's about it. Oh! I met my new neighbor for a sec. Remember how I hoped for a cool neighbor? Well, I only met her for a minute yesterday, but I think she carried a Nightmare Before Xmas bag. Clearly she is cool. I'm glad. Of course, I gave her my card yesterday, which lists this blog, so she is probably reading this and going, What the fuck? I'm not even here a day and this nut is blogging about me? Hells no. So it goes.

"I WILL SEE YOU IN FAR OFF PLACES"

Tomorrow, my father is traveling to a location on the State Department's travel advisory list. And he'll be there for ten days. And he may or may not have access to phone and internet while he's there. And, I worry about his health. And, he's my dad. And, in light of other little earthquakes this week that reminded me that sometimes terrible things do happen, I'd rather he didn't go.


But, he and I both know the apple didn't fall far and I'd do the same thing, and that a life tiptoed around things that might go horribly wrong isn't much of a life. Still.

"STOP ME IF YOU THINK THAT YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE"

Morrissey was wonderful, as always. He did a delightfully weird yoga bridge pose dance, he whipped the mic cord, he ripped off his shirt, he sang his little heart out, he smiled graciously to all parties involved when a burgundy shirt-clad fellow hopped up on stage and got pounced on by security, he sang all the songs I hoped he would, he generally, fucking rocked.

I gave business cards to the two men sitting in front of me, as I was able to see them both sneaking fantastic photos the whole show. I gave an honest plea for an emailed photo or two. If they email, I'll share if it's okay with them. Let's hope. C'mon, guys. I'll blog about your band/book/office/whatever and send you as many customers/sales as I can. Pleasepleaseplease. Hook a Morrissey-lovin' sister up.

Anyway, the show was wonderful. He played "You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side", which I was thrilled to hear. I, yet again, nearly cried during "Everyday Is Like Sunday".

I'm only in Indy for the night, then I'm heading back to Chicago in the morning and hitting the ground running with a very busy day. If you're nearby, come say hello on Tuesday night as I read from Three Fallen Women at The Fixx with Timothy Schaffert as he reads from his new release, Devils In The Sugar Shop at 7:30pm.

"ACCEPT YOURSELF"

Last night, I had a dream that I was returning to work at a mountain resort hotel that I had, apparently, worked in a couple of years ago. I came back as a manager of some kind, but was relying of old employees (who I was now supervising) to show me some ropes again.

Then, I went to the ladies' room and was looking into this huge ornate mirror and realized I had huge black hairs growing out of my chin before my very eyes, only they were making noise as they grew. I pickup up a tweezer on the vanity counter and plucked them, immediately stopping the noise from each as I pulled it out. Once they were plucked, I could remember everything about the way things were done at this resort and was brimming over with ideas on how to implement progress.

Surely an auspicious dream, no? Surely a dream of action? A call to step it up?

I woke up with my kitty sleeping in a ball on my hip. It is good to be in my apartment with my kitty, that's for sure.

In just a bit, however, I am heading back out. One more trip then I don't travel again until July when I go to Canada. This afternoon, I have a little bit of biznass to attend to in Indianapolis, and to my great delight...



...Morrissey is giving a show in Indianapolis tonight, as well, which I am obviously going to attend. So, I'm doing a little work and then having a little fun. As it should be.

"AS I LIVE AND BREATHE"

I'm home.

I went to the grocery store.

I snuggled my cat.

I'm making dinner.

I'm digging through my mail.

Everything is really quite fine here.

"YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE"

So, I drove from Middle of Nowhere, Louisiana today. I got a late start because I am defenseless against my grandmother's cooking. So, I stayed for lunch and got her to give me the scoop on a couple of her top secret dishes. As I was leaving, it was all hugs and smiles when she smiled and said you ought to clean up your language on your blog. I laughed, she laughed, my grandfather laughed, it was light and not a big deal, just funny. I've never seen her town as a hit on my blog, so I can only assume she read it once and was mortified by something I posted and has been waiting. I wonder which post she read. So funny.

Anyway.

My plan was to make it back to Chicago tonight, but this eyeball affliction is cramping my style. It's fine, in fact, it's feeling better tonight than it did today, but as oncoming headlights shine on me, it's waterworks. At least during the day I can do shades. Anyway, I said screw it and stopped for the night. Sleep never killed anyone. Neither did hotel towels and wi-fi.

Oh, and speaking of wi-fi. Now that I can get online with my laptop, I can post photos.

1. My grandmother circa 1944. Could she possibly be more adorable? No.


2. Me (obviously) in front of the farm I mentioned yesterday. About a minute later, my grandfather poked my typewriter tattoo and said, Uh, you look like you got hit with a typewriter, girl. My grandparents, ladies and gentlemen, so tolerant of my blog-swearing and tatoos. Haha.


3. Einstein with two new friends at Spiral Diner in Ft. Worth, TX. Feast your eyes on their menu, veg friends. I am already jonesing for the tofu club sandwich again. So delish.


4. Einstein and another friend.


5. Einstein having a rough night with margaritas.


6. Einstein with Elvis and the "butt plug lava lamp" at Sarah's Place. If you're in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and feel like a cocktail. Sarah's Place on Camp Bowie is a great time. Obviously. I mean, look! Einstein and Elvis can sing duets, for crying out loud. You just can't find that in any bar, folks.


That's it for now. I'm fading, so I'm going to zonk out and hit the road early in the morning.