"THIS TERRIBLE COLD"

Baby Neptune loves the snow, his parents tell me. How hilar is this giant snowsuit on him?

"BIGMOUTH STRIKES AGAIN"

My Monday dates with Baby Neptune are a thing of the past, but I'm a go-to babysitter for whenevs now, which is fine by me. Like today, for example. The boy is conked at the moment because I made up a song and sang it to him until he giggled and passed out that went something like, "I love binky! And I love nye-nye! Yes, I love binky! And I love nye-nye!" But, the biggest news of all is that today he finally fits into the "onesie" I bought for him. Could you just die to see him rocking the Smiths????


Crap, he's awake. I spoke too soon.

"HOW I LOVE ALL OF THE VERY SIMPLE THINGS OF LIFE"

It's Monday afternoon, which means I have my standing date with the cute, short, bald Jewish guy. Today, he grabbed his own junk mid-diaper change, wouldn't let go of it and laughed about it, turned even more howleena when I took his little paws and taught him to do a cabbage patch dance to Dexy's Midnight Runners, then we snuggled a bit:

We were made fun of stupid Linkin Park when they came on the radio:

I declared him the champion of nothing in particular:


Dude, he's almost big enough to wear the Smiths "onesie" I got for him. Oh man, is that gonna be awesome or what? Merms (Mermaidhead) is switching her schedule up a bit, so my Monday dates are going to come to an end soonish, but I've been assured I'll be on the go-to babysitter list, which is great by me. I'm a big fan.

"SING YOUR LIFE"

Baby Neptune is particularly entertained this Monday visit by the sparkly dreidels hanging in his window and by me singing to Motown. When I ohhhhh along he just laughs and laughs. And when you pat his butt, he conks right out. I know the feeling, Baby Neptune. Wait, what?

"CALIGULA WOULD HAVE BLUSHED"

So, I'm going to watch that Baby Neptune every Monday afternoon for Mermaidhead. How good is that going to be? Very is your answer. Very. Poor Neptune was iddly today though, but it was fine. Funny even, in moments, particularly when, as I changed his diaper, he reached down, grabbing his crap-covered sack and slapped crap onto his chest. Sweet move, Neptune. Man, I'm going to give him so much grief over that when he's older. I think that'll make an awesome bar mitzvah card inscription:

Neptuneleh,
On this forchest of days, the day you become a man, I remember when you were a tiny baby, grabbing your crap-covered sack and flinging crap onto yourself as I reached for a baby wipe. Mazel tov!
xo,
Auntie Guthieroo

(Mermaidhead, do not kill me. I love your baby to bits.)

"FIVE SECONDS"

Home from that Omaha and it's a regular love-fest with Chairman Meow. What a sweet kitten. I had a wonderful weekend in Nebraska. The drive out on Friday was forch, the wedding on Saturday was lovely and festive, the reception was fun and social, brunch this morning with the Omaha Lit Fest crew at my very beloved French Cafe was perfect and the drive back was painless. It's good to be home, though. I might be fighting a bit of a cold, so I am vitamin-loading, water-guzzling and about to go to bed. Tomorrow, I am taking care of that Baby Neptune (Mermaidhead's baby), which I am so excited to be doing. He's such a funny little guy.

"A RUSH AND A PUSH AND THE KID IS THEIRS"

What do I call my cousin's daughter? My second-cousin, right? I think that's right. Anyway, welcome to the world Abbie. You are 7 lbs. and 6 oz. of awesome. Obvs, I'm off to buy another awesome "onesie" this weekend. Babies have to look fashionable, too.

And suddenly, my sweet grandparents are great-grandparents and that is unbelievable to me. I made them grandparents, Abbie has made them great-grandparents.

"IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY"

Shanah Tovah, how are we all doing this fine evening? I had many adventures today. Let's make a list. I like lists.

• Writing: My Jewcy post went up about security and hate crime. I thank all of youse for the lovely emails that have come in about my post from a couple of days ago explaining some details about the holiday.
  
• Circumcision: I got a crash course in infant kippot as the bris for Neptune is tomorrow afternoon and finding a kippah for a 4.9 lb. baby is quite an adventure.
• Cars: What started out as an oil change and a fuel injector cleaning fluid quest ended with, yes an oil change and fuel injector cleaning fluid, but also in four new tires.
  
• Wax/Fetuses: My eyebrow wax lady produced a magazine for me in Vietnamese that showed Chinese families boiling female fetuses and plunking them into placenta soups for men to eat for increased virility.
  
• Bread/Blisters: I got a big, delicious sample of Leah's freshly baked challah when I brought by some apples for her afternoon social thing tomorrow, but only after she gave me Band-Aids for the blisters on my heel because I walked from the tire place to her condo, and these places are not so close together, and did so in shoes I did not expect to walk so far in.
• Rosh HaShanah: Post-car stuff, I didn't get my act together in time for any Rosh HaShanah festivities tonight, but I'll be there in the morning. Tonight feels autumney and cozy and introspective and just perfect for the occasion. I just love Rosh to bits. I'm so excited for the Shofar in the morning. My rabbi can play the shit out of a shofar. For the 411 on a shofar, please watch the worst cheesiest video ever. How coked out funny is that kid? Speaking of the shofar, it has come to my attention that some speaking-in-tongues fundamentalists have started using them in connection with "feeling the spirit" type events and they get played all cheesebag super-serious and more like French horn. This, of course, makes me a little iddly. See dull-ass creep-out co-opting here and completely creepy hoedown shouting about Jesus here. (Not that there is anything wrong with having JC as your homeboy) Please note, this is not what happens in a synagogue. I would die! It's more like this, but indoors and with this kind of milling-around chaos and less shrieking.
  
• Shofar/Angry Cat: If you would like to irritate the shit out of your cat, sit around watching shofar clips on YouTube.
• Media: I mastered sending pics to Flickr from my Blackberry and I am glad.

"YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY"

Hey gang.

Just talked to Mr. Mermaidhead. Wee Neptune, while doing wonderfully and probably very happy to be home, now weighs less than 5 lbs. What a tiny baby. He shrank! When I ditch the sniffles and this cough, I'll go give him his awesome welcome gift-- wanna know what it is? Well, Mermaidhead peeks in here at Bigmouth from time to time (though I doubt she has time to do any such thing right now) so just to be sure, see the awesome thing right here. Adorable beyond!

Let's see, what else do I know? We've raised 70% of my fundraising goal for the Making Strides event, which is awesome and I thank you all. I'm the #12 fundraiser for the event, which is fine by me-- I don't care who is raising the money as long as it gets raised, so it only means someone else is raising more. Dig. Want to help? Click here to donate and while you're clicking, we should all click here to get corporate sponsors to fund mammography for women who can't otherwise afford it. See, I'm handing good deeds to you for the doing.

Now.

My guest spot continues at Jewcy for another month starting today. I'll link it up proper when I get the post up in a bit. I had a brainstorm about letting my almost-finished next novel absorb a half-finished novel that I've had in the hatch for several months, and I like this idea very much, as it fixes where I was held up/in need of a little polish in both texts.

My awesome coffeeshop friend, Montana the Canadian World Sailor, just offered me an extra Cubs-Cards ticket for today. I can't go because theres much to do today, but it did remind me I've only been to one baseball game this summer. For shame!

I want to go to Buenos Aries and Santiago. Big time.

"STRETCH OUT AND WAIT"

I'm taking applications for a houseboy. No, that's not true, of course. I'm still sick, and don't want to go to the store. But, I need Pepsi, Spaghettios and a grilled cheese to go another round with these germs and so I must. It's just as well. Youse know how a Type-A aspiring to be a Type-B like me does. I'm trying to rest and feel better, but I'm laying around going rest, type, rest, type, email, gather, move, file, organize, find, look at clock, rest, type, cmon feel better... nnnnow.. Okay nnnnnow! and not really resting.

I get up early but when Ma Guth called today and said, at like nine in the morning, Oh shit, did I wake you up? I sounded like a cross between a two-pack-a-day octogenarian and a squeaky door. Now, post steamy shower to clear the nose, maybe just the squeaky door. Plus Minnie Mouse. Bleh. Today is the worst of it, but maybe that means I'll start perking up tomorrow. In the meantime, my brain is in a fog. Bloop, blee, blee, bloop, bloop bloop. If anyone wants to run a crazy idea by me, today is a good day to do it.

But, I do have sense enough to recognize three positive haps today. One, Mermaidhead's baby is being born as we speak. Two, The Prosecutor's birthday is today, too. Three, you guys-- we've already raised almost half of my fundraising goal for the walk, and I haven't even been taking donations for a solid 24-hours yet. Good, Good, Good.

Wait, what's that you say? What walk? Where can you donate? Oh, well click here, of course, for everything you need to know.