"HOW I LOVE ALL OF THE VERY SIMPLE THINGS OF LIFE"

Hi kids. An excerpt of my new novel is up on Six Sentences today. I hope you enjoy.

How was everyone's weekend? Mine was perfect.

"SING YOUR LIFE"

Hello, dears. How was your day? Oh? Sorry to hear that. Mine? Oh, well, thanks for asking. Well, you know. Odds and ends. This and that. Oh, sure, I'd love a glass. That's nice of you. Thanks.

That was weird. Sorry.

I've managed a lot of weird injuries in my life (big scar on my leg from an iron burn, foot arch pinned to a curb by a bicycle pedal, busted lip from a snowball fight, a piece of tile cut my ear, a doorbell cut my head, accidentally hit in the bad knee with a crowbar, broken molar from plain chocolate ice cream, etc.) and gotten banged up rather nicely in a big car accident, and I like to build and play with my powertools, and I've snowboarded and wiped out on my face, and I run and I've wiped out and slid across an intersection on my belly, but not until today have I ever cut an elbow open and it was weird. Maybe the weirdest cut I've ever had. I banged it on a heavy metal banister (stupid industrial decor!) corner and the thing just busted right open and man, oh man, it was gross and I kept wiping blood all over the place. And you guys know how I feel about blood.

So, guess what you get to read in about ten days? A preview of my new novel! Good ol' Rob McEvily over at Six Sentences was kind enough to agree to run six sentences from the first chapter. I'm excited to show all of youse. I hope you like it. It's very different form Three Fallen Women.

Let's see, what on earth else? Things are going swimmingly over at Jewcy, where I moved from guest to resident, which is very exciting. Five days a week, folks, get your hippie-Jewy freak-on with yours truly. Like today, par example, I wrote a little post about Jewish Book Month and the Celebration of Jewish Books, the (excuse me for saying so) alarmingly large book festival descending upon Los Angeles next week. No love for the indies, but when the broham decided to make a book fest, he wanted it big and he did it so good for him.

Does someone want o let me use their film equipment? I think I could make a pretty film. Motels, cigarettes, disheveledness, fuckedupedness, danger, nighttime, running, shitty cars, a roadtrip. It'd be great!

"ASK ME, UH-HO-HO, ASK ME"

You know I loves me some Six Sentences, and you know I think that 6S's honcho-mastermind, Rob McEvily, not only has an awesome name (Like evil as an adverb!) and is a great writer, but I also think he is just an all around swell, friendly, kind dude.

However!

I have just been enlightened by someone named Rion about another micro-fiction site, and I see myself becoming a fan of it as well. (Hear that, McEvily? I said "as well", meaning, also. So, fear not. I can't quit you! Har.)

Behold! Raincoat Flashers. Look at the pictures, write micro-flash-fiction in the comments section. Done and done. Such a great idea, no?

I have no shame, and in the interest of putting something up asap, I totally cheated and put up an excerpt from Three Fallen Women. Interestingly, it is my least favorite excerpt, but I promise I'll post fresher, unattached material shortly.

"UNITE AND TAKE OVER"

Well, kids, despite a tornado or four, falling trees, workers with chainsaws working to free smashed cars, and city-wide flooding, last night at The Fixx was great fun!

Both Adam Levin...

...and Wendy McClure...


...braved the end of the world weather and brought the funny and the awesome. Unfortunately, my camera got a little temporarily botched en route, so I deeply regret that I can't offer you any new photographs, especially since everyone looked smashing. (And, I would have liked to offer further proof that I own more than one skirt.)

Hopefully, Wendy and Adam will be around here on Bigmouth soon for an installation of Guthmantics, but in the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for happenings from either of them, as they are both talented and delightful.

In other news:

Fish can be assholes. Speak with Gary at The Fixx. He showed me last night post-reading that a tiny, pretty orangey fish killed/ate his baby's mama (thus earning the name "OJ") and is now trying to eat a giant black Oscar fish peck by peck. Fish can be assholes.

Schwartzy has a very funny piece up at Six Sentences.

My final post from my guest spot over at Jewcy is up. Thanks to Jewcy and and all its Jewcyness for having me over. I am honored to have been in such great company.

"WHEN OUR FRIENDS BECOME SUCCESSFUL"

Say, didjas read Katie Schwartzeleh's piece over on Six Sentences? Of course you did. Well, read it again.

"ASSEMBLE THE WAYS"

Hello, hello! Plenty to discuss today. First, another piece of news I've had to keep quiet is now yours to know. I am reading with one of my very favorite people. It doesn't get much better.

May 22nd
Amy Guth and Timothy Schaffert Reading
The Fixx Coffee Bar, 7:30 pm on
3053 N. Sheffield Ave. in Chicago

This is that awesome little coffee bar right by the Vic Theater. Know it and love it. The place is great, the owners are great. You'll never want to set foot in a Starbucks again. This reading, ladies and gentlemen, is going to be great. You'll love Timmy and his writing so, so, so much.

Next item on the agenda is a shameless vanterie sans scruple. I have another piece up over on Six Sentences today called "At Sevens". Feel free. I'll wait here while you check it out.


Thanks!

So, last night, a relative I haven't seen in yeeeeears was in town, so we got together for dinner and caught up, which was a lovely time. After, a series of evens led me to be reminded how easily threatened I am when it comes to feeling vulnerable or weak. When did I turn into a fratboy? Feel vulnerable and act out? Great plan, Ames, great plan. It really accomplishes little but making me look neurotic instead of vulnerable, then feeling as if I must explain myself, which only leads to vulnerability anyway. Oy.

Anyway.

I'm working today on odds and ends today and getting ready to take off to Austin on Monday. Must go to the post office. Must. No fooling around. Oy.

"WILLIAM, IT WAS REALLY NOTHING"

I'm such a clutz sometimes. This morning, in amazement that I was seeing such a huge dump of snow in mid-April, I fell over my cat, then, being flustered, went to take the trash out and forgot to disarm my alarm and scared the shit out of my neighbors when I opened my backdoor and set it (the security alarm) off, and so early. Good morning! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! It's seven am! Everyone up! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Everyone look outside and see your goofy neighbor shrugging and waving meekly! WHOOP! WHOOP! Well, I guess I can take some solace in knowing I have neighbors who bother to look. That's a plus. Anyway, then I whacked my knee on the end table. Bang! Pow! Boom!

Anyway, I have a few little items to discuss.

The first item is that I have been invited to create an artistic rendidtion of my own arsehole (in honor of Kurt Vonnegut's depiction of his arsehole) with some terribly respectable authors, over on Spitzy's blogsite. I have many, may ideas of how I might do such a thing. I'll be doing this over the next several days, so I'll let you know how it goes. Clearly, this art must contain song lyrics. That's all I know. I have several ideas floating around... I wonder if he would accept a short arsehole series?

Secondly, I have a new piece going up on Six Sentences on May 2nd. I'll remind you. Fret not. I know you were frantic, trying to get your paper calendar and Blackberry to set reminders. I know. Shh. I'll take care of it.

And, I want to start doing a little every-other-week feature thing. I'm going to snatch up a writer, ask three very important questions of him/her and post it up. We'll all make new friends, expand our literary horizons, have fun pimping other writers' words, etc. It'll be fun. Want in on it? Just email me and we'll sort out the details, then I'll slap up the post. Voila. Super fun. No fuss.

Lastly, if you have thrown in a submission for my top secret little group fiction project, I'm nearly through all bazillion (yes, really a bazillion) submissions and will have my proverbial shit together on that shortly. Thank you all for your pateince when I got about seven or eight times more submissions than I planned to. Show on road shortly.

Anyway, I am staring at an important birthday square in the face today (a few days away still), and thinking a lot, and rather excitedly, about my life, and what a great adventure it has been thus far. Some of it has been stressful, most of it has been remarkably great, but it's all shaped me and made me who I am this minute. This second. Right now.

And, I can dig that.