"ANYTHING IS HARD TO FIND"

My car is doing something funky. I suspect the fuel filter, so we shall see if my autoparts store fix does the job. I got one of those photo-tickets in the mail today, too. I was turning left on a busy street, with a green light. Cars continued through the yellow light, so when the light turned red, I went. However, I called and inquired and because my back tire was touching the white line of the crosswalk, I was technically not "in the intersection enough" to warrant turning. Sure, sure, perfectly reasonable. So, Chicago must be broke if this is the new game. Anyway, I've earned the right to give the city $100. Yippie for me. Good thing I sneeze cash!

Anyway, I just reviewed the weirdest book evah on Jewcy tonight. I loved it, it was just, uh, not quite what I thought it would be going into it. But, what are you sitting around reading my blog for? The Fixx Reading Series starts in an hour and a half! See you there!

But, before I go: I have major, giant news! Youse know my BFF Katie Schwartz, yes? Of course you do. Who doesn't? Well, she has this fabulous collection of essays, and just today the official word is that said collection of essays is going to be in print with none other than my beloved publisher, So New! And, yours truly is her editor! Do projects get more fun? I think not. Click your ass over to her and give her a hearty mazel to the tizz-ov.

"A RUSH AND A PUSH AND THE LAND IS OURS"

The strange posting ahhj at Jewcy was worked out. Here is my post about the strange flavors of soda Jones Soda Co. has whipped out for Christmas and Chanukah, here is my post about the Bal Shem Tov, and here is my post about a fab organization, Jewish Women International.

Who shall I look forward to seeing at The Fixx tonight? John Sheppard and Renee Rosen, people! There or square, yes.

In other news, my radiators are either off or blasting. Try not to let this turn you on so very much, but boob sweat only minutes after getting out of the shower and drying off is so bleh-feeling. In still other news, I had a dream last night that Baby Neptune could and did fly. Not like little cherubic fluttering wings, either. No, the tiny little guy would look over and giggle and blast off, and his parents, Mr. & Ms. Mermaidhead, were really pissed off about how "disruptive and aggressive" his flying was and were a little miffed that I thought it was such a riot. I mean, c'mon. He's this maverick daredevil badass flying baby. That's funny.

"STOP ME, UH-HO-HO, STOP ME"

There is something weird going on when I try to paste my text to make a Jewcy.com post. Weird as in, it shuts me outta the site, so unfortunately, I can't share my posts with you today, but as soon as the tech dude is in the office in the a.m., I'm sure we'll figure it out and you can read the hippie-dippie thing I wrote about the Bal Shem Tov. Better yet, it'll just be a weird glitch that works itself out overnight. Oh please, oh please.

Anyway, I'm kinda over dicking around with my laptop for one night so I'm going to hit the hay. Today felt like it was a week, har. Zzzzz.....

"YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY"

Hi all. I'm working from a cafe tonight near my apartment. A couple was in here before breaking up, which I found weird. I was glad to have my earbuds with me rather than hear their strange, dramatic final moments. There was a break in their conversation, well, a lull that had a strange moment in it but then lulled again and went back to the breaking up. But, the lull conversation was about whether or not Chanukah was the holiday with the "spinny candles" or the "matzoh or whatever". They left, I suppose properly broken up, and were replaced with another couple that might be the loudest two people I've come across lately. Braying, people. This woman is braying.

Anyway.

Speaking of holidays-- what are you fine people doing for Thanksgiving? I'm doing the usual. Community kitchen with my peeps. Cook, serve, clean-up and, can I tell you, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love hearing about unusual holiday traditions that people come up with and how they came up with them or evolved them or whatnot. Point being, let's hear it. What do youse do for Thanksgiving?

Let's see, what else is the haps today? I suppose that's it for today. There was this very weird fog over Chicago all day that smelled like ocean and felt like a sauna. The morning was warm, then it chilled as the day went on. So weird. Anyway, I kept my head down and worked all day on odds and ends and am super happy tonight about that.

My Jewcy post is up today, of course. Todays' topic is about an organization that addresses domestic violence in Jewish homes, particularly addressing young girls to educate them about financial independence from their partners, recognizing dynamics of healthy/unhealthy relationships and the like. Good organization. Anyway, I wrote a little round up about it.

Speaking of writing-- thank all of you who wrote such kind emails to me about the tiny sneak preview of my second novel. Very nice of you and, hello I am human, so positive feedback certainly gives me a lift.

I've got to get out of this cafe. Even earbuds full of Beethoven can't tune out this crazy donkey laugh this woman has going on next to me. HUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKHAHAHAHAHA Daaaaaavid, you're so funnnnnnyyyyyyyy! HHUUUUNNNNKKKK! Think Fran Drescher meets, well, yeah, a donkey. Gahhhd.

(Local bands, I give you full permission to use "earbuds full of Beethoven" as you see fit.)

"SING YOUR LIFE"

Hello, dears. How was your day? Oh? Sorry to hear that. Mine? Oh, well, thanks for asking. Well, you know. Odds and ends. This and that. Oh, sure, I'd love a glass. That's nice of you. Thanks.

That was weird. Sorry.

I've managed a lot of weird injuries in my life (big scar on my leg from an iron burn, foot arch pinned to a curb by a bicycle pedal, busted lip from a snowball fight, a piece of tile cut my ear, a doorbell cut my head, accidentally hit in the bad knee with a crowbar, broken molar from plain chocolate ice cream, etc.) and gotten banged up rather nicely in a big car accident, and I like to build and play with my powertools, and I've snowboarded and wiped out on my face, and I run and I've wiped out and slid across an intersection on my belly, but not until today have I ever cut an elbow open and it was weird. Maybe the weirdest cut I've ever had. I banged it on a heavy metal banister (stupid industrial decor!) corner and the thing just busted right open and man, oh man, it was gross and I kept wiping blood all over the place. And you guys know how I feel about blood.

So, guess what you get to read in about ten days? A preview of my new novel! Good ol' Rob McEvily over at Six Sentences was kind enough to agree to run six sentences from the first chapter. I'm excited to show all of youse. I hope you like it. It's very different form Three Fallen Women.

Let's see, what on earth else? Things are going swimmingly over at Jewcy, where I moved from guest to resident, which is very exciting. Five days a week, folks, get your hippie-Jewy freak-on with yours truly. Like today, par example, I wrote a little post about Jewish Book Month and the Celebration of Jewish Books, the (excuse me for saying so) alarmingly large book festival descending upon Los Angeles next week. No love for the indies, but when the broham decided to make a book fest, he wanted it big and he did it so good for him.

Does someone want o let me use their film equipment? I think I could make a pretty film. Motels, cigarettes, disheveledness, fuckedupedness, danger, nighttime, running, shitty cars, a roadtrip. It'd be great!

"...'CAUSE YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE"

Tonight I'm doing The Nod show at Uptown Writer's Space at 8pm and I think it'll be so fun! I'm going to be reading archived blog posts. I have a list, but I still have to whittle it down a bit more. Hmmm....

Jewcy post, The By No Means All-Inclusive Jewish Sports Round-Up, is live.

I got a parking ticket this morning.

I'm at home, for the most part, until spring, so I'm digging for gigs. Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled freelance projects yearning to be done.....

"ASK ME, UH-HO-HO, ASK ME"

• New Jewcy post is up, this time an open letter to Madonna.

• This pic (proof that I actually do some work at these festivals) is linked off of Galleycat today from the litfest set.

• Tomorrow night, Wednesday, September 19th, 8pm, I'm doing The Nod at The Uptown Writer's Space at 4802 North Broadway in Chicago. $5 donation requested.

"IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY"

Shanah Tovah, how are we all doing this fine evening? I had many adventures today. Let's make a list. I like lists.

• Writing: My Jewcy post went up about security and hate crime. I thank all of youse for the lovely emails that have come in about my post from a couple of days ago explaining some details about the holiday.
  
• Circumcision: I got a crash course in infant kippot as the bris for Neptune is tomorrow afternoon and finding a kippah for a 4.9 lb. baby is quite an adventure.
• Cars: What started out as an oil change and a fuel injector cleaning fluid quest ended with, yes an oil change and fuel injector cleaning fluid, but also in four new tires.
  
• Wax/Fetuses: My eyebrow wax lady produced a magazine for me in Vietnamese that showed Chinese families boiling female fetuses and plunking them into placenta soups for men to eat for increased virility.
  
• Bread/Blisters: I got a big, delicious sample of Leah's freshly baked challah when I brought by some apples for her afternoon social thing tomorrow, but only after she gave me Band-Aids for the blisters on my heel because I walked from the tire place to her condo, and these places are not so close together, and did so in shoes I did not expect to walk so far in.
• Rosh HaShanah: Post-car stuff, I didn't get my act together in time for any Rosh HaShanah festivities tonight, but I'll be there in the morning. Tonight feels autumney and cozy and introspective and just perfect for the occasion. I just love Rosh to bits. I'm so excited for the Shofar in the morning. My rabbi can play the shit out of a shofar. For the 411 on a shofar, please watch the worst cheesiest video ever. How coked out funny is that kid? Speaking of the shofar, it has come to my attention that some speaking-in-tongues fundamentalists have started using them in connection with "feeling the spirit" type events and they get played all cheesebag super-serious and more like French horn. This, of course, makes me a little iddly. See dull-ass creep-out co-opting here and completely creepy hoedown shouting about Jesus here. (Not that there is anything wrong with having JC as your homeboy) Please note, this is not what happens in a synagogue. I would die! It's more like this, but indoors and with this kind of milling-around chaos and less shrieking.
  
• Shofar/Angry Cat: If you would like to irritate the shit out of your cat, sit around watching shofar clips on YouTube.
• Media: I mastered sending pics to Flickr from my Blackberry and I am glad.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

As promised, here is my latest on Jewcy about explaining Jew Stuff to non-Jews when asked.

"UNITE AND TAKE OVER"

Well, kids, despite a tornado or four, falling trees, workers with chainsaws working to free smashed cars, and city-wide flooding, last night at The Fixx was great fun!

Both Adam Levin...

...and Wendy McClure...


...braved the end of the world weather and brought the funny and the awesome. Unfortunately, my camera got a little temporarily botched en route, so I deeply regret that I can't offer you any new photographs, especially since everyone looked smashing. (And, I would have liked to offer further proof that I own more than one skirt.)

Hopefully, Wendy and Adam will be around here on Bigmouth soon for an installation of Guthmantics, but in the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for happenings from either of them, as they are both talented and delightful.

In other news:

Fish can be assholes. Speak with Gary at The Fixx. He showed me last night post-reading that a tiny, pretty orangey fish killed/ate his baby's mama (thus earning the name "OJ") and is now trying to eat a giant black Oscar fish peck by peck. Fish can be assholes.

Schwartzy has a very funny piece up at Six Sentences.

My final post from my guest spot over at Jewcy is up. Thanks to Jewcy and and all its Jewcyness for having me over. I am honored to have been in such great company.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Oh, I nearly forgot! My stint at Jewcy continues today with this post.

Chicago is about to get clobbered with a badass thunderstorm. Not that a widdle biddy flash flood and severe thunderstorm warning issued by the National Weather Service is anything to stop all of youse from coming to The Fixx tonight:

"SECONDS TO SPARE"

My guest spot at Jewcy continues with this piece today about asking for help, if any of youse are interested.

"SECONDS TO SPARE"

My first guest post is up over on Jewcy. A little ditty about being authentic, which you can read right here. Naturally, I titled the post after a Simpsons quote. My favorite Simpsons quote, I might add. Uh, and do me a favor? The comments on Jewcy don't, you know, go to me, so don't choke those nice folks with the usual snarks we put in the comments here. We are guests over there and we have to be on our best behavior, mmmkay?


Let's see, what else is a-happenin'? I'm about to have some goodies up over on Hungry City. Remember how I wrote a bunch of restaurant 411 and reviews in one of the Hungry Chicago guides? Yes. Well, they're taking it online and asked me to cover the food/booze situation in Chicago for them. Not a dummy, I said yes. I'll do like a weekly post, either a short dishy list, or a longer feature of a place or neighborhood. Either way, fun.

"DISPLAYING YOUR NAME"

Also, look what just got posted! I've hinted about it, but now it's on. Read all about it over on Jewcy.com by clicking here.