"THE GHOST AND THE STORM OUTSIDE WILL NOT INVADE THIS SACRED SHRINE" (OR...?)

I'm not saying there is an ethereal being in my bathroom, I'm not saying there is not an ethereal being in my bathroom, but the fact remains that the other evening a bar of soap plunked off of the shower caddy by itself and clunked around in the tub and when my cat and I ran in to investigate, the cat got wide-eyed and backed out of the room. Also, just now, I was sitting here minding my own beeswax with the sleeping cat next to me when a loud thonk happened in the bathroom sink that caused the cat to jump up and stare at the toilet and doorway area for several minutes. Just, you know, fyi there.

Oh, no, wait, the cat is again fixed on the doorway. Creepy squared.

Must so much nonsense center around my bathroom?

"THE QUEEN IS (NOT) DEAD"

Hi kids. The weather is weird, I'm working hard and being busy, Pilcrow is coming along nicely, the editing phase is done with Katie Schwartz's's's book and we're just double-checking and such right now, mostly, my parents are moving but staying on the coast, I feel a little tired, I have more to do today before the day is over, my friends in New Orleans are hoeing down today, I finished a few writing projects this morning, I think I will have an early dinner, I don't even want to discuss my shower, my cat is sweet and napping, Clitter is funny (particularly "sparklebabies" at the end), my apartment is warm, on The Yay/Oy Vey Scale, things are firmly yay. No complaints.

"ICE WATER FOR BLOOD"

Today, a plumber comes. Finally. He bangs on some shit, he rearranges my closet, the yanks the access panel off the back of the closet so he can get a clear shot at the frozen pipes, blowtorches them for maybe two minutes, bangs on them with something, pops his head around the corner as I'm working and goes "no brrroken!" and leaves. Just walks out, gets in his truck and takes off, paying zero mind that I'm speaking to him, asking him about the shower. No, doesn't matter. Dude leaves. I give him a few, because there is a hardware store nearby so I'm thinking maybe he went there. No. I finally called my landlady, who makes calls, calls me back and, well, needless to say, I don't have a shower yet again and I'm done. I'm ready to move. Like yesterday. I chatted with a friend today, who armed me with a lot of great information in terms of the specifics of tenants rights and such. I'm ready. There is no reason anyone should plan her day around where she can borrow a shower.

It's a shame about this place, because it's a great apartment. For tonight and tomorrow, until the plumber returns tomorrow afternoon, I've been granted access to the shower in a vacant apartment two floors above. Weird, but traipsing through my building to shower is better than traipsing through the city to shower. Especially like today when the wind chill was twenty-five below. No. Tonight, I read an email from my friend Globetrekker Katherine who was just in Africa, swimming with whale sharks. Warm. Water. Doesn't that sounds like the best? Twenty-five below and showerless versus drifting in warm ocean water with whale sharks? Doy.

"REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN"

My shower is still frozen. The faucet is frozen solid and the drain now has a dome of ice over it, making draining impossible as well. The bathroom sink is reduced to only a tiny trickle of ice water. So, my bathroom is useless except for the toilet, is what I'm telling you.

And so, a frozen shower and bathroom sink made for creative use of the kitchen step-stool, Tupperware and kitchen sink today. Standing naked on your kitchen counter and using Tupperware to dump water over yourself is still a whole helluva lot better than leaving the house to beg a shower in sub-zero weather. The neighbors who my kitchen window faces might say otherwise. Whatver.

Sigh.

The good news is that I have a date with baby Neptune tomorrow, and I hit his folks up for arriving early in exchange for shower use. Oy vey. The things a lady has gotta do to get a shower these days.

"I WAS DETAINED"

Let's play Yay/Oy Vey. I play this every day, and it's great. Okay, this is how you play: Make two lists about your day, on your blog, on paper, or just in your mind, how I usually do. One is the "yay" list. The other is the "oy vey" list. Whichever list is longer tells you the kind of day you had: A Yay Day or an Oy Vey Day. Ready? Great. Let's play.

Yay: I finally got some actual sleep last night and slept like the dead. Just out. I woke up feeling like a million dollars.

Oy Vey: I left my apartment this morning and was greeted by two evangelist types in front of my building door. Now, my building has a little sidewalk area between the front door and the actual sidewalk, so I needed these two dude to scoot in order to get past them. But, that wasn't a goal for them. They asked me (well, one of them did all the talking, the other guy just sort of sat there with his mouth hanging open like a big oaf) if my plans for the weekend included Jesus Christ. Pardon? No, but that sounds romantic, though, I said in a har, har, very funny, now let me past kind of way. But again, not on the agenda. So, he keep at it, I keep my lid on but firmly let him know he wasn't helping matters by detaining me and would he please let me pass? He stuck his arms out, as if on the cross himself, almost, to stop me from passing by. So, that's it. I love to discuss religion, especially with people of different religions, but I don't like being told what to do, I don't like being told what I feel or believe is wrong and bad ("It's not your fault you're a Jew, but the good news is that there's still time to turn your life around and come to Christ. It's not too late." he tells me, as if Jewish is an affliction.), and I sure don't like being physically prevented from doing something as simple as leaving my own home. So, what choice did I have but to grab my BlackBerry and announce I was about to call the cops. That gained me my exit.

Yay: I glanced back as I was clearing the building and saw them stuffing a bunch of crap, way beyond just a pamphlet and a free bible mind you, like wads and wads of printed paper into the mailbox of the first floor peeps (the apartment, to be exact, that always smells like someone took a giant shit, so I found this part rather funny).

Oy Vey: Then, I realize these dudes have cohorts at my neighbors buildings, too, both sides. Weird. I don't even know what group they were with, not Mormon, though they did have the trademark short-sleeve-and-tie-combo (with cute "inspirational slogan" long sleeve thermals underneath and scarves with crosses on them), not any group I'd ever heard of, to tell you the truth. I don't know which group they were with other than the first church of "Bouta Getcherself Beatup". Man, when are these dudes going to catch on that I'll sit and talk religion and spirituality with them all freakin' day if they approached wanting to have a conversation? Toolsheds. So, anyway, FYI there Chicagoans. About that.

Yay: I made a nice pot of spicy southwestern corn chowder because it is so cold here in Chicago tonight.

Oy vey: I'm not going to name names, but let me tell you something. I don't have much of a temper, but I do not get played like a bitch. Manipulating people for one's own professional gain makes one a terrible person, makes one's karma bad and when the truth comes out, which it always does, nobody looks like an idiot but the offender and it makes said person horribly untrustworthy. Also, throwing someone, an innocent someone, under the bus because one is too big of a wimp to stand by something one has said or written, well, that just makes one a pussy, doesn't it? Yeah, I think so, too. Don't bullshit me or the people I care about, are we clear? Great!

Yay: Pilcrow Lit Fest is coming together really nicely, you guys. Just today I heard about some wonderful folks who want to make the trip out and that makes me very, very glad.

Oy Vey: My shower is now not draining.

Yay: I get to start hanging out with Baby Neptune again every week.

Yay: The editing mojo is going well for Katie Schwartz's book-to-be and I'm super excited about it.

Yay: The other night, I saw a bullet and a tiny origami crane together in a tiny cup and I hope I see that on a bookcover one day. I also hope I figure out how to fold a origami crane that tiny.

See, three "Yay" in a row. So, it's a Yay Day.

"REEL AROUND THE SHOWER, IX"

Remember, last February, when I wrote, "I never want to blog about my shower again."...? Well, there are some things in life we'd all rather not do. But, the fact remains, that I flipped on the water this morning and a chunk of ice fell out, followed by a trickle of water. Oh, surely it's just a tiny bit of ice. I'll just run the water for a bit and clear it right out, I thought.

"Wrong again, liberal media." -Homer Simpson

"THIS IS THE COASTAL TOWN"

Hey kids. I was a far more competent tugboat crew member today. I discovered that if I stand up and keep my knees unlocked (as opposed to sitting), I rather enjoy choppy seas. All is still quite well. I'm unavoidably, yet wonderfully tanned. Much quality time is happening. I made dinner for my parents again tonight. I am slightly favoring their brand of grocery stores to my own.

I would be the rudest blogger on earth if I didn't share this little tale with you. Today, I stopped to pee at a public restroom and noticed that the sink pipes were wrapped in weatherguard. Here. On the coast. Where it is almost always 75 and sunny. Be serious! After that craziness with my shower back in Chicago last week, all I could do was laugh when I saw these extra-outfitted warm, warm, super-warm pipes.

In totally unrelated news, my mother's new favorite term is "rat fucker", which I find hilarious. I think it's a safe bet that I will probably begin using that right away. So much more descriptive that plain ol' "fucker".... no?

"OF A SHYNESS THAT IS CRIMINALLY VULGAR"

You guys are going to love this one. (Why am I blogging every few minutes?)

I have all sorts of haircolor crap on my head and I just went to turn on my shower to rinse it all out and guess what? MY WATER IS OUT AGAIN.

I picked up one of the three haircolor bottles to see if I could fit my head under my sink and the slippery little shit opped out of my hand and shot a magenta arch of color across my bathroom, landing on the wall, the tile, ceiling, the window and the mirror.

Am I going to have to drive someplace to rinse my head? Or worse, take the train? Haha, this is so funny. Oh my g-d, this is going to be a weird day, I can just tell.

"DIAL-A-CLICHE"

I took a shower this morning and tonight. And, I am happy to report that I did not take either shower for granted. A good amoount of snow is expected tonight and tomorrow, so I am anxiously flipping on the hot water every few hours to prevent it from freezing again.

Free yoga week started tonight in Chicago, which I'm excited about. I'm going to do it anyway, but sometimes group yoga is a nice change of pace, and I fel like I learn new things from different instructors. Especially cool because I just happen to be reading (in all my abundance of free time) a cool book about yoga.

In other news, I sat near a young man "educating" his girlfriend in a diner today all about how the Jews control the media and that's how we fabricated the holocaust and then claimed that "the French State Department helps them (Jews) out so that's why we got to boycott French stuff"... pointing to her order of French toast and smiling, adding "Freedom toast, see?" (So, it isn't a boycott as much as a gneral sweeping renaming, eh?)

She nodded, smiling, then added that she'd never met a Jew before then they went on to discussing his (only his, she said little, only nodded) plans for them to be missionaries after his military deployment in the Middle East. Naturally, he responded by telling her all about the "Jews and A-rabs with turban and stuff" in his travels. WTF? What planet did I eat lunch on? Am I in Chicago? Why were they in rodeo attire? WTF? Since when do my people wear turbans?

Hello? Thought I could have pulled out a verbal smack-down like Accidentally Jewish, I knew it would fall on deaf ears and shot him a dirty look instead. Totally bullshit wimpy reaction, but after the week of shower nonsense, and just getting out from under a stack of work, I don't think I had the mojo workin' well enough that I would have done much to help matters ayway. Eh well.

Besides, "Freedom Toast" can only fly if you're willing to give "Liberty Cabbage" another shake, too.

"GLAMOUROUS GLUE"

Behold! She has a working shower!

"FOUND FOUND FOUND"

Want to hear something great? I feel focused and happy and productive today despite my plumbing being declared "repaired completely" yesterday and not having a drop of water today from my shower. I cannot believe I haven't flipped out yet. This is day eight of The Shower Situation.

...and I spent over and hour looking for my missing cell phone (I turned the volume down and settled into bed last night to read) only to discover it is just flat enough to go undetected when made up into the bed.

Sigh. Always an adventure.

But, on the upside, I will be on a coast in one week. It's not officially a "vacation", but working near warm ocean (as opposed to my beloved frozen lake) will be a welcome change for a few days.

"SWEET AND TENDER HOOLIGAN & MIXED UP 18"

Oh, you saw this one coming. This week's "If It Could Only Still Be Socially Acceptable To Make A Mix Tape, This Is What I Would Put On One This Week" Saturday is, quite predictably, in honor of my shower challenges this week.

1. Shower The People/James Taylor
2. Digital Bath/Deftones
3. Shower Your Love/Kula Shaker
4. Bath/Bjork
5. Water/P.J. Harvey
6. Public Bath/Shonen Knife
7. Shower Me With Your Love/Foxy Brown
8. Bath Music/Greyboy
9. Standing In The Shower... Thinking/Electro Addiction
10. Buddha Bath/Bhangralution
11. Shine, Shave, Shower (It's Saturday)/Lefty Frizzell
12. Strange Bath/Jon Brion
13. Shower Scene/Saint Etienne
14. Rain Shower/Sizzla
15. Blood Bath/Cocteau Twins

Now, everyone get a cup of coffee and settle in because I have to recount my adventures of yesterday to you and bring you up on some adventures today. Okay.

Sometimes things pop up on Shabbes that I do decide to attend. I don't really go out on Shabbes, other than to go to synagogue and such, but once in a while, if something comes up, I will. Last night, I went to a wonderful little gathering thrown by the very lovely and fun Bookslut. I brought dear Accidentally Jewish along because (a) most importantly, she is my friend and I enjoy her company and (b) she help keeps me gregarious when I sometimes feel inclinded to clam up at occasions such as cocktail parties.

As I have blogged many times, I am working hard to overcome a fear of cocktail/schmoozey settings because I often clam up and say too little or I feel like I just ramble on about nonsense, boring everyone to tears. I am happy to report that after the art opening I attended a few weeks ago that went so swimmingly I did just fine last night, even forgetting that cocktail settings make me nervous and managing to have some fun and meet a few new people. Could it be that I am making leaps and bounds in the fear-of-schmooze arena?

Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. Accidentally Jewish and I had a wonderful time and after we bid our hostess goodnight, we realized it had been hours and hours since dinner and a little late-night breakfast was in order. So, we plopped down in the booth of a nearby diner and became engrossed in a serious conversation about how the lack of running water this week really made me feel behind in my work at an already terribly busy time. She was just generously offering to lend a hand if there was anyway she could when suddenly a very loud and very drunk broham fratboy came in and was seated a few booths away. Then another came in. Then another with a date. Then another couple. And another. Suddenly, Accidentally Jewish and I were confronted with the realization that we were going to have to eat our breakfast with a lot of shouting nearby.

(As another aside here, once, maybe a summer ago, Accidentally Jewish and I were dragged into a fratty bar by two friends who were in stitches to see us (me and AJ) immediately lock arms and whimper, victimized by one too many traumatic teasings years and years ago by the jocks in Jr. High and High school, for as I am sure you know, and although it only built our character in the end, nerdy girls get picked on as kids.)

Anyway, there we were with the popular kids, and they were wasted and noisy. Suddenly, the perhaps drunkest/dumbest of the crew, was heard saying to the waitress, "Can I have some gizz? Like a side of gizz? You know what I mean? Gizzum?" Can I will pay any of the cooks in the back to gizz on this guy's (points) food."

But, he was jus getting started! He then shouted for a few minuts about seeing a hair enclosed in his menu and assured the entire restaurant that he had stumbled upon a "long fuckin' pube" and asked us all to join him in imagining said incorrectly-labeled hair "wrapped around and all fucked up around some guy's junk and stuff".... did I mention AJ and I were trying to eat breakfast? I did. Right.

But then, another liquored-up broham aproached our table, squatted as if to slide into the booth next to me but proceeded to pantomime taking a shit ont he floor next to me. "What are you doing?" I shot at him. He waved my protests aside and continued his improv quest, adding the prop of a paper napkin to show us how he wipes his ass. Our shocked protests continued until he turned to rejoin his little club.

Delightful.

We sat, shocked, a nearby table of faux-hawked women taking a moment to make eye contact with me to express their contempt. The manager read the look on my face and came over to assure us he'd keep a close eye on the large group and that throwing them out would probably make this worse, but that he was indeed on top of things. Okay. So, we sat and finished eating and talked a bit more about this and that between shouts of, "I honestly believe a midget will come out of nowhere, and kill you" and, "Fuck that midget, dude, that was a bunch of bullshit" and, "Miss? Excuse me? I would like to poop on that guy's face" and, "Ask me how many girls I've hooked up this month and then ask the person to your right how many girls he's hooked up with this month and just see who the fuckin' man is" and, "Like 800 chicks, dude" and, "Dude. Yo, fuckhead, were we in San Diego this month or last month"...

Just drivel. Just nonsense. But wait! Fratboy broham was coming back! And he seemed surlier than before, and since the our shock had by then worn off from the improvised toilet ritual, we were far more prepared this time. He approached and said, "Listen ladies.." and before he could say another word, I wiggled my neck with a stern pointer finger and prepared to launch into my customary, "Okay, first of all..." Bronx-style monologue when Accidentally Jewish, no-nonsense badass that she is, fired off with, "Get the fuck away from this table. Seriously. Just get the fuck away from us." When he began to protest, she continued, "No, just get. The FUCK. Away." louder and louder until he put up his paws in defense and backed away, mumbling something about a lack of charm school.

A small group of endearingly nerdy couples came in and sat nearby, regarding the fraternity meeting-in-progress with the same sort of contempt.

We sat silently, nibbling on our breakfasts, and I tried not to smirk as I basked in the light of her badassitude. Finally, I whispered, "That was badass." She said something back about adrenaline waking her up more than coffee at that hour, not that I heard her over the din of chatter about midgets, claims of great sexual prowess and shouted orders to the poor waitress and the group's unnervingly quiet dates. Oh, and the faux-hawked women's shouted rendition of Sweet Caroline before being hushed by the manager. We sat in the tension for a few minutes, waiting to have insults hurled at us before I giggled and whispered, "Okay, if anything happens, you go get the table of nerds, I'll get the singing lesbians."

Avoiding any further nonsense, we left, and left the poor waitress a good tip, hoping it would make up for the bad tip she would probably get from the fratboys.

I woke up this morning and my shower would not work. So it goes. So it goes.

"YOU MUST PLEASE REMEMBER"

I know what all of you were thinking. Oh, now that Ms. Fancy Yogapants has her fancy new faucets and pipes and drains, she's going to be sooooo spoiled with her fancy showers. Well, for those of you who were worried that maybe I'd start the take my shower for granted again, fear not. Though my shower has been running for the past two hours, I have yet to see a drop of hot water. Just FYI.

Sigh... I clearly was a colossal asshole in my past life to water, probably going around peeing in every body of water I saw. Damnit

In other news, listen to this funny line:

"Hey baby, what are you doing for lunch today? And by the way, when you're having a heart attack, is the numbness in your right arm or left?"

Don't worry if you can't pinoint it. It's out of a book I am reading in all my adundant (ha!) free time. But, you have to stay tuned because I'm not going to tell you just yet. Let me finish it first. You know, in all my abundant free time.

"THE EDGE OF THE DEEP GREEN SEA"

I just took a shower. With running hot water and a working drain. I will never take these things for granted again for as long as I live.

"THE SAME DEEP WATER AS YOU"

The team of dudes came back, this time huddling under my tub with drills, saws and blowtorches. I must leave this afternoon, so I am really hoping thier adventures today go speedily and I can shower before heading out. Strange thing that sensory memory is, when I was a little girl, our house caught on fire. The blowtorches downstairs are creating a very particular burning scent in my apartment that chilled me to the bone and almost made me well-up just remembering that scary night, decades ago. Wow, I am amazed to remember that exact scent. Spooky.

Anyway...

I was listening to the news this morning as the anchor and a few guest experts were discussing Lisa Nowak and a few things came to mind:

1. Some questions are surfacing about her being "an astronaut, a mother and a wife" and whether or not stress is a viable defense. Well, I'm not a, attorney so whether or not stress is or is not a viable defense is not anything I am qualified to comment on. But, what does concern me is that I have never, never, never in my life heard of a man freaking out and anyone questioning whether being a (insert professional title), a father and a husband/partner led to his stress. In fact, when men freak out, we usually just call them crazy and get it over with. Discuss.

2. It cracks me up how she went after the other woman and not, say, the man not making a solid decision. But, a lot of people do that. Watch an episode of COPS or Cheaters and see. I mean, generally speaking, don't you think a straying partner is more like to be bullshitting you than say his/her lover? Discuss.

3. My very good friend Vesna lives in Denmark and was just telling me in an email this week that she has unlimited sick days (which, because they are on the honor system, are rearely abused) and six weeks of vacation every year. In our (American) push for constantly obtaining, acheiving and doing more, are we all heading to stressed-out doom eventually and people like Lisa Nowak just the proverbial canaries in our coal mines? Discuss.

And on other newsworthy topics:

4. Senator Doug Jackson (D- TN) is looking to expand the death penalty to include persons perpetrating sexual abuse against a child. Would this, were it to move forward (which I imagine it will not), further contribute to a reluctance to report such crimes? Discuss.

5. OJ is writing another book, a fictional account called If I Did It. Oy, OJ. Discuss.

(I'd like to remind everyone that the comment section is for discussion but let's remember that the poised intellectual recognizes the difference between discussion and argument.)

"GLAMOUROUS GLUE"

Obviously, this indicates I showered. Best. Shower. Ever.

"REEL AROUND THE SHOWER, VOLUME VI"

So, every faucet in my apartment is running, dudes are clonking around my bathroom and ohh-la-wee I sure need to pee. To kick everyone out of my bathroom would involve setting pipes, blowtorches, drywall, and tools down, and, well, since there are holes ripped into the walls and floor, throwing everyone out or even shutting the door still wouldn't offer much privacy. okay, I'm just going to keep focusing on work.

Must. Ignore. Running. Water. And not. Think. About. Peeing.

UPDATE: Couldn't bear it another moment. I just popped into the bathroom, threw everyone out, covered the hole in the floor and made attendance in my living room (far away from the holes in the wall) mandatory. Ahhh....

"REEL AROUND THE SHOWER, VOLUME V"

Announcer: Meanwhile, let's check in on our story's heroine as her shower saga continues! (Bum! Bum! Bum!)

Hi folks. So, let me bring you up to speed. My kitchen light fixture is upgraded, installed and awesome. My kitchen sink has a brand new faucet and sprayer which is also of superior quality.

The shower situation is on its was to resolution still. Today's progress is slightly hindered by a refreeze of the piping, as the daily high temperatures have yet to get much past ten degrees.

But, today, I snuck some photos for your entertainment/delight/horror! Behold!

This is the hole formerly known as my shower fixture:



(Of course, the clean-embracer in me is plenty skeeved out by the grease crap that lived below the fixture as seen in that pic.)

And, this is the back of my closet:



Yesterday, my downstairs neighbor neglected to be home or return the landlady's calls, so there was no access to her apartment and thus no access to the underbelly of my bathtub. So, I dashed out for the borrow-a-nearby-shower routine again. But, today, oh today, my hopes are quite high that by lunchtime, I might just get to use my own (fully-functional) shower.

"REEL AROUND THE SHOWER, VOLUME IV"

I spoke too soon. No luck with my own shower yet, but I did venture out and borrow a shower. It very well might have been the greatest shower of my life. I do have a new kitchen light fixture, which is very nice. The toilet water temperature has been adjusted so it doesn't have exterior condensation when the radiator runs super-high anymore. But, in the morning, my kitchen faucet will be yanked out and replaced with a new one, a hole will be sawed in the back of my closet to make a second crawl space to access the back of my shower faucet (the current crawl space in the back of my closet only grants access to the underside of the tub and the drains), my shower faucet with be replaced, as will the shower head and the tiny drain in my bathroom floor under the radiator will be opened up and blasted out, and, um, I thnk that is it. Oh, and my downstairs neighbor gets a hole sawed in her kitchen to access the underbelly of my bathub. You see, this ice ordeal, as it turns out, happened to occur at a very good time, as many plumbing-related items in my apartment needed tweaking and the ice sort of forced the issue as it seems. To, you know, put it mildly. The guys doing all of this discovery and repair were wonderful and fast but simply couldn't fit everything into one day.

Anyway, I had a shower, a really hot shower. That was my main priority. If all goes well I'll have another tomorow in my own tub. A very big thank you to all of you who have offered use of your showers in the past few days during this mess.

"REEL AROUND THE SHOWER, VOLUME III"

So, a couple of determined gentlemen are currently attacking my shower with little blowtorches, yanking the handles off, chipping ice and generally working shit out. They even decided to tighten everything up while they were at it. I am pleased. With any luck, I might just shower tonight in my own shower! What simple luxury, I so had taken for granted. Let's hope they thaw and fix everything. And, it was decided that my kitchen light fixture would be upgraded while they're here. Wow, this is turning out to be a blessing in disguise, eh? Well, I will wait and say that once everything is fixed. You never know what twists and turns things can take.