Mar 24, 2007


I just got back from cutting Irish Ho's hair off so she could donate it to Locks of Love. She even held fucking still for five minutes and let me style it up a little, too. So cute, her pretty little head.

Anyway, it seems like everytime I run into a neighbor, I look like shit. Seriously, they must think I'm white trash. Anyway, I met my new neighbor from two floors above last night. She seems like a very nice and interesting person in the minute or so that we chatted. Apparently, she got the shaft on her electric bill and wanted to know if she was right to be concerned. Indeed, her bill was nearly (no lie) three times what mine is. And our apartments are the same size. Eesh, ComEd has some splainin' to do on that one. Either that or my devotion to CFL bulbs is being seriously reflected on my bill.

Anyway. I have to tell you guys this story and make you and offer.

I have been on a winning streak lately. And, I just won a contest the other day. I won a pretty impressive gift certificate to American Laser Centers. This isn't something on my radar, per se, and nothing I had ever considered, so I thought I would go with an open mind and see what I could learn and what I could use this credit for. Well, that and when they called to tell me I had won, I really only heard "skin" and "beauty", so, well, there's that.

Anyway, I went. I walk into the place and am greeted with smiles and such and an Easter basket is shoved in front of me. Pick an egg! Pick an egg! Uhhh... what the hell is this? I laughed and said, Uh, i'm Jewish. Are you sure? Totally kidding, but still a little surprised to get a serious face and "I promise, these are a promotion and have nothing to do with rabbits." in response. I didn't think they.. I mean, I ... well, it's just that... forget it. I snatched a pink egg to discover I had won an additonal 45% off.

But, the issue still remained that I didn't know what this was all about, so I wasn't completely sure what I was about to get 45% off of. but, I filled out paperwork about my skin tone, etc and was called to the back. I'm seating at a table in a consultation room with the still-smiley faced aesthetician and begin to hear my options. She said my skin was "quite nice" so she wouldn't advise micro-dermabrasion or a chemical facial resurfacing (I started whimpering on the inside right about here). See, this place is okay. They're not going to try to pitch me something I don't need. I'm still open to hearing this. She went on to tell me I should consider the various popular options of bikini-line electrolysis, or a laser skin resurfacing on my butt.

My butt? I asked. You haven't seen my butt. I don't have any issues with my butt. It's okay. It's, you know, a butt.

She blinked. I blinked. And walked into a slew of information about how I can tighten up my butt so it won't shake when I wear a bathing suit.

But, it's a butt! Isn't it supposed to shake a little? I timidly asked.

So, we switched to talking about crotch hair. Oy vey, did we ever switch over to crotch hair. One can permanently remove just the edges to keep it trimmed up, the edges and the underside, or one can get an entire removal of all hair in the crotchal region. Everything! Now, I realize my parents read my blog, but, really, everything? Wouldn't that make me look like, say, an eight-year-old? Wouldn't that be really creepy to, uh, be in a, you know, an intimate moment with a broad like me and suddenly discover I looked like an infant with knockers? I mean, I'm just thinking out loud here, but aren't pubes sort of what divides the women and the girls? Anyone with me on this?

I'm not saying you should run around looking like you stuffed an afro wig down the front of your skivvies. Unless you want to look like you stuffed an afro wig down the front of your skivvies, then by all means. I just mean that a little trim or wax is fine, even a Brazillian is totally fine by me, but to laser off every single pubic hair forever is a little creepy to me. Just a little. I say no to permanent "hardwood floors", if you know what I mean. I like options.

Anyway, I couldn't find anything I wanted to use my gift certificate for. Nothing. I don't want a laser near my butt, years of Cetaphil and lots of moisturizer on my face is apparently good enough, and I'll just stick to my at-home wax and razor rituals for the rest, thanks.

So, if you live in any of these places and you want to use my gift certificate, I will clear it to be transferred. The Easter egg 45% thing was surrendered, but the gift credit still remains. All you need to do is email me at The first one who emails can have the thing and you can be my guest to have a laser pointed at your whatever.

Update: I am stunned by how quickly it went. You people are hairy. Har. In any case, use it in good health, First Responder.


Nicky said...

I'm with you. Any dude who finds a totally bald pussy to be the preferred look is suspect in my opinion. If ya really like having a bald crotch, that's cool, I guess .... but I kind of feel like pubic hair is, like, an option you might want to keep open. Wouldn't it be weird to be 70 years old and still looking down at a baby-bald crotch?

Well, I think it would be, anyway.

"jew" "girl" said...

ames, I am sooo with you on the pube thing. you say infant with knockers. I have always said, infant lips.

my grandmother helen always said a girl has to protect her pookie. a little hair keeps everything nice and safe.

good for you for not getting sucked into something you don't need and for considering possibilities. NOT for improvement, but just to put pep in a girl's step.

ps: the first three letters of the word verification are vev. my grandmother's nickname. weird, no?

Wings - john k said...

I have typed and re-typed 12 different comments on this entry, but in the end the one thing I have learned from you and Diane is that discreation is a virtue. So I am just leaving this comment to demonstrate that yes, you and Ms. Sparks have been successful at behavior modification.

wings - john k

ps. Once again I ask ... do you have a projected release date yet for book number 2?

Amy Guth said...

Sorry to dis you, Wings. No date yet.

Leah in Chicago said...

A friend did this to her underarms and loves the result. I agree with the no hardwood floors things. Totally.

thea said...

I weirded myself out the other day with the idea of going gray in the nether-heather.

Amy Guth said...

Haha, Thea! Nether-heather! Ha! So funny.

You know, I have a friend who swears to have a white streak in the pubes. I, of course, have no proof of this claim.

srr said...

I'm laughing so hard.

Here's another thing. I really don't know that I want anyone with a laser aimed at my hoohoo for any length of time.

Like, what I cough or sneeze. Or Heaven Forbid, LAUGH.

I shudder to think.

Avraham said...

Hi Amy

Thanks for the post ! and your love reading your blog!


Adam Shprintzen said...

All I can think of when it comes to a laser burning off pubes is an enormous Bond-villain-esque device that slowly starts to creep towards the crotchal region as the poor recepient looks on in horror attempting to find a way to escape at the last moment.

diane said...

If the day ever comes that I have a daughter, one of the first things I will teach her about hygiene is to use Cetaphil on her face.
And when it comes to laser hair removal...echhhh...and uhhhh, all I can hope is that no child of mine gets my spicy Italian genes!