"BEST FRIEND ON THE PAYROLL"

Okay, she's actually not on my payroll, but I just returned from a lovely afternoon wedding (more on that later when I have my photos downloaded) to find one hilarious comment to yesterday's posting from my friend. I could have just approved her comment, but I found it so funny and well-formed that I decided to post it right up front. So, without further ado, I present to you her brilliant commentary on yesterday's post...

To Fundamentalist Christian Parents, or, On Ensuring Your Child Grows Up Maladjusted and Resentful:

In the course of raising your child, you may, from time to time, find yourself in some difficult situations. These helpful hints may assist you in dealing with those "icky" circumstances with little to no embarrassment to yourself.

1) Be sure to enforce the importance of the simple Christian lifestyle by villifying such liberal concepts as The City or Literature. Use subtle innuendo such as referring to a city as "that city" so that no one can accuse you of your bias, although your children will get the message subconsciously that cities are dangerous places where abortionists, lesbianists, and the like await to prey on their innocent, pure, unquestioning minds. Likewise, putting words such as "books" in quotation marks will deliver the message that literature, with its liberal agenda of learning and communication, are never to be trusted. One final note: displaying a lack of knowledge of the grammar of the English language can only serve to assist in this matter. Insert apostrophes wherever you'd like when writing about these matters, and encourage your children to challenge their teachers in matters of language (better yet, homeschooling your children ensures none of the educational system's liberal bias will pollute your children's minds).

2) When in doubt, assume the worst. This cannot be emphasized enough: assume, assume, assume. And when you are finished assuming, accuse. If you have a glimmer of an idea that someone is an abortionist or is sympathetic to the lesbianist agenda, assume that they are, and accuse them of all the crimes we have come to know these dangerous types to be associated with. Waiting around in hopes of getting "the whole story" only gives them the opportunity to brainwash our children with their liberal agenda before we even know what's hit them.

3) Close your mind! And don't let anything new or different into your children's world either; only expose them to other moral, Christ-centered people and situations, lest they fall away from His Light. Allowing your children to learn about and try new things is just asking for them to start putting evil into the world, with the questions they will start asking. Don't count on your children to see another point of view clearly without falling for it!!

4) Finally, tell others how immoral they are. Insist that they stop being immoral. Attempt to prevent immoral people from being heard. As mentioned before, no good can come from hearing another point of view that you disagree with, and your children, if exposed to such views, are sure to fall away from His light.

While following these tips isn't guaranteed for success, it's a good start. Of course, we are nothing without prayer and His Grace; we can but humbly hope that our actions here on earth will have some effect on the evil that we know our God abhors so much.

Well said, my friend. Well said.