Jan 30, 2008


Kids, we have a few things to catch up on.

I went to the supermarket and saw a guy in tight grey sweatpants jerking off. Also Happy Birthday to my Dad.

Let's talk about the wanking first.

Initially, I thought he was just stratching himself (the wanker, not my Dad), but no, really he was wanking off through the fabric. Right there in the salad dressing and condiment aisle. Wanking. Staring at a shopper and then doing all of the above plus breathing heavy like a donkey.

And, you know, if there is one thing worse than a public jerker, it's a noisy public jerker.

Long story short, two stock boys, an embarrassed store manager and the public jerker answering the store manager in a breathy mid-jerk voice, well, it made for some delightful entertainment is what. I must have pretended to read the back of six balsamic vinegar bottles. It was delightful.

This is now the second public masturbation I have seen this month. So, there's that. You'd think subzero temps would freeze the randy-handy right out even the most public of jerkers, but no. No, they're alive and well and happily jerking here in Chicago.

Bleh. But, anyway, yes, hi, today is my father's birthday. The boy born in a blizzard, is I think how the story goes. Happy Birthday, Dad! Sorry about the wank story.


jewgirl said...

First, Happy Birthday to Pappa Guth! How is he celebrating? Whad he do? lemme heah?!

That yarn is so fucking hilarious I am SCREAMING. "Also, happy birthday to my dad."

"Let's talk about the wanking first" HAHAHAHHAHA

WAIT, "PUBLIC JERKER." "mid-jerk voice" and "randy-handy right out even the most public of jerkers."

oh guthy you have outdone yourself child. HAHAHAHAHA. I AM HOWELEENA RIGHT NOW!

Sizzle said...

i love that you talk about the public wanker in the same post as your dad's birthday.


bizQuirk said...

Let me get this straight:

You regularly hear your upstairs neighbors sporting together, and you have had two accidental encounters with public masturbatory behavior?

Some are a magnet for love,
some are a magnet for money,
some sign a song like a lark,
some are like bees to the honey.

I've no idea what all that means!

Amy Guth said...

Ha, I don't know what that means, either. But I'll take it. I think.

Bubs said...

Heh...of course, it was weenie-waver Wednesday. Although he wasn't technically waving it, was he?

Your account, while hilarious, leaves many many unanswered questions for me. Was there a happy ending? Were there police? What did the jerkoff artist say?

I'm surprised he was there in the supermarket. In my experience they tend to be drawn to craft stores, fabric shops, bookstores and libraries. I've never had a grocery store jerkoff artist.

And, happy birthday to your dad!

Amy Guth said...

oh yeeeeeah! Hahaha, it *was* weenie-waver Wednesday. Haha. I almost forgot about that. (See his blog for the scoop on Weenie-Waver Wednesday. You'll howl.)

Anonymous said...

by the condiments? creamy garlic? or was it ceasar? uggh! i never want to eat another salad again.