"GIRL AFRAID"

Indulge me for a minute. While I might snark here and there, I rarely just dump my junk out into cyberspace, bitching into a void. I'm usually far more inclined to just take care of things as they come up and be proactive, but sometimes, you just have to let off some steam. Leah assures me that "Mercury is totally in retrograde until March 17th", so...

I got really overwhelmed today. A lot hit at once near the start of the year and, though I am so glad to have projects coming in, I really was insanely busy. It's all fine now and I'm ready for new projects, but things were just a little busy. It happens. I'd even suggest that I excel when things are humming right along productively-- I feel good, so I work smarter and better. That's not what I want to complain about. I want to complain about how frustrating my pride is sometimes. I do yoga, for crying out loud, and I am always preching the merits of just being present in your own yoga practice and not being competitive with it and while I do a good job of letting myself ebb and flow with my yoga practice, I am so hard on myself in other areas. Like asking for help when I need it. Seriously, I feel terrible when I "have" to ask for even the tiniest bit of help. I'm sort of okay about asking friends to help me brainstorm, but nine times out of ten, asking for help makes me feel like a grade-a screw up, like I've admitted defeat or a shortcoming. And, I have to tell you, that is fucking crazy. Seriously, how lame is that? Why am I so hard on myself?

This all started because I was frustrated about a brainstorm that wasn't resulting in any real ka-blammo ideas. And, instead of thinking, well, shit, I need to approach this from another direction, I felt like I had already looked at it from every direction possible and just got frustrated with myself. So, I turned to another project and hit the same wall. What gives? One of said brainstorms is deadline-specific, so that's an understandable stress, I suppose, and with so many projects weighing on me up until a week or so ago, I guess my patience is just still a little thin at the moment.

And, a project I'm really trying to pull together is just sitting and flopping around and not doing what I want it to do.

So, I was wicked pissed and felt like I was just spinning my wheels. Into a void. And getting absolutely nowhere. Maybe I need to get my paws on a totally new article or something. Somewhere new. Maybe someplace totally random. Maybe about something I've never written about, even. Who knows?

But there is good all around me. The Graduate parody Simpsons episode was just on, The "Choo-Choo-Choose You" episode is on now, I cooked myself the black bean and corn cakes dish that I love when the weather is chilly, I drank ten glasses of water today, I took a long hot shower today and was glad my shower was working again, I read some great blog posts today, I emailed with friends, I'm on my way out to go plan a wonderful party for a friend because I'm good at that sort of thing. I got two paychecks yesterday. My cat is snuggly today. I like that Wendy's is using Violent Femmes in their commercials. I got a open-invitation to visit my good friend in Denmark. I'll be near a beach in a few days. Things are okay. I'm just frustrated today. Just today.