Oct 18, 2006

"VICAR IN A TUTU"

A friend asked me this question once and it was only after much thought that I came up with an answer. I heard from her today, so I was reminded of the question and realized I'd never asked you, m'dears. Her question is this:

If you could be the opposite (you define what "opposite" means to you) sex and gender than you currently are, for at least 24-hours, but for no longer than one year, what would you want to experience in that time?

(Before anyone jumps down my throat, she is trans, and she asked the question in the first place. So there.)

I'll tell you my answer later, but it would certainly begin with learning to pee standing up. Once I mastered it, I would totally pee on everything, writing out my full name, first, middle and last. And my Hebrew name, too, just for kicks. That's, um, a lot of peeing.

Got something going tonight? I didn't think so. C'mon over to Metropolis Coffee and I'll read something from Three Fallen Women especially for you and you have the priveledge of getting yourself a cup of coffee from the finest small roast in Chicago, in my humble opinion. Oh, and they have that cool typewriter set up for you to rant and rave with. It's a win-win tonight, folks. In fact, if you don't like what I'm reading, you can go sit your ass at the old typwriter and type (because I think it is stuck in caps-lock), "AMY GUTH WRITES PURE GENIUS AND READS WONDERFULLY" over and over until you run out of paper.

16 comments:

Sarah L. said...

I think I'd walk through a bad neighborhood at night and not worry.

What is your Hebrew name?

Amy Guth said...

It's Shifreh, good ol' badass, stickin'-it-to-the-man Shifreh.

ken said...

I'd sit at a bar and be cute and scam free drinks all night and not go home with anyone.

Amy Guth said...

You put the "ass" in "class", Ken. :)

jake ryan of sixteen candles fame said...

I'd become your best friend and we could have a slumber party and do each other's hair.

Amy Guth said...

Think again, Jake.

Leah said...

Jake--what if your opposite year was Amy's opposite year?

That would totally suck--cause there would be no pillow-fights. Not without a LOT of wine.

So... If I'm opposite sex and gender... does that mean I'd be a man who's feminine? A man who identifies as a woman? Am I thinking it too hard?

Amy Guth said...

Yeah. I try to post as inclusively as possible. So, if you're physcally female and have a female gender identity, then switch them over to male and male. If you're say, physically male and have a female gender identity, then I think it would be considered as f to be physically female with a male gender identity.

Yeah. I wish my trans and genderqueer readers would comment more. *sigh*

Yeah.

diane said...

I like Sarah's answer--walk around late at night all cock-of-the-walk and not have to constantly be scanning my surroundings.
I'd like to have a guy bonding day. I've always wondered what it's like to be a guy in a group of guys.
And I'm all over the pee thing, too.

Adam Shprintzen said...

Diane,

You're not missing much on the dude bonding thing,, unless you enjoy wedgies and getting punched in the arm while being called names.

Of course that just might have been my experiences.

Nicky said...

I'd wear a suit and tie without looking like Diane Keaton. I'd be taller (I hope), so I'd reach things on high shelves. OOh! I'd sing Barry White songs at karaoke (they're too low for me as I am now, even though I have a pretty low voice for a gal). I'd try out for roles in a Shakepeare theater.

I'm sure I'll think of others. I'm just brainstorming here.

V. said...

The 15 year old in me says I would lock myself in my room and play with myself all day long.

The 30 year old in me says I would stand in front of a door and see what it feels like to have someone open a door for me in a chivalrous fashion.

I like the thought of sitting at a bar and drinking for free though.

I would go to a chick flick, except it would just be a flick at that point.

I would read Adrienne Rich poetry and not feel like I was reading it to impress anybody.

I might look at a porn all day and see if I still liked it.

I might find another girl/woman who is crying and hug her without feeling lecherous.

I would put a tampon in, just because I have always been curious about it felt like.

I would berate someone for calling me honey, or baby, or cupcake... Maybe not cupcake.

I would also be really nice to a guy, who probably doesn't experience girls being nice to him.

Then I would go home and absolutely fucking molest myself. For HOURS, WEEKS Maybe. Load up on Mac and Cheese and hamburger helper and GO. TO. TOWN.

Wings said...

Wow ... I really wanted to respond the minute I saw this yesterday, but I held back to think about it for a while.

I thought it was interesting how many of the responses assumed a culturally positive model. Men are big and burley, women were feminine, attractive.

I tried to think about it without a visual context.

It sounds strange, but knowing I would be returning to my previous state I would agree with v. for starters (sort of) I would want to experience a menstrual cycle.

I would want to give birth.

I would want to nurse my child (my wife never did and found the thought revolting)

I would want to have sex with a man I wasn't attracted to and understand "faking it"

I would want to have a hot flash.

I would want to search for a job and see if it is really any different.

I just read through what I wrote and it sounds a little strange, but those are things that are appearance neutral and I am curious about.

There is one other thing and I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way. This isn't something that I can say that I want, but it is something I feel experiencing would help me understand. I would want to experience a sexual attack so I could better understand the feeling of violation that a woman has. Sex is such a completely different thing for a man and a woman. No matter how much a woman can tell a man about their feelings I don't think we really get it.

Ok, I've written and deleted the last part twice. Have mercy upon me you minions of Guth.

k. m. said...

Why becaue you think rape would be fun?

Adam Shprintzen said...

Uhh, you're kind of missing Wings' point K.M. Actually you are REALLY missing his point.

Amy Guth said...

No, KM, I don't think that's what Wings meant. I took what he wrote to be a well-thought list of things he is genuinely curious about with the possibility of returning to his present-self with the ability to be more thoughtful on these subjects.