Oct 6, 2006

"NEVER ENOUGH"

I love me father dearly, but he thinks I am an idiot.

I'm sure of it.

He must believe I think writing careers dangle from silver vines in the magic forrest and all I have to do is wish very hard and work keeps coming in on the sparkly wings of wood nymphs and wizards. Get out there and line up something else! If you want to make any money, you can't wait! Go get something else started! Granted, I spare him the details of my day-to-day scurrying around to line up the next thing and the thing after that, and I know these words come from a place of concern, a place that surely wants to see me doing well, but, oy vey it's the last thing in the world you want to hear when you are working your butt off every day to keep said work coming in.

So, I am officially declaring that my parents think I am an idiot. There is no other explanation.

These things happen. I love them both, but I know my lack of a 9-to-5 unnerves them both every day. I'm fine, I'm fine. Please worry less. I'm sure if I were anyone's mother (yikes) I would probably say things that made my kid want to scream: Do you have any idea how hard I am working to make everything work? Do you not see my progress? Do you not see my successes?

So, I'm sure it must just be something that parents do. I heard a funny story once about Tina Fey. Now, her success in well in the bag, no? Apparently, just a few years ago, her mother said, "Have you put any thought into going to graduate school?" If she wanted to as an intellectual exercise, sure, why not? But, can't you just imagine Tina Fey, working hard in the SNL offices and thinking, "Jesus! My parents must think I sit around doing nothing all day!"

I don't know if that's a true story, and it's lashon ha-ra anyway, so I shouldn't even repeat it. But, I mention it to make a point. I think, so help them, parents are always going to measure their children's success by strange standards, perhaps standards only known to them.

Then again, genealogy nerd that I am, I was organizing some archive photos of old family gravestones last night and so I have to remind myself that they won't be around forever. It's a tough balance between enjoying the time you have and standing up for yourself when you feel undermined. Tough call. Impossible, really.

I'll jsut stick to thinking, for now, that my parents think I am an idiot.

3 comments:

katie schwartz said...

not to sound presumptuous, but it's safe to say that we are essentially from the same womb and seed simply because we are jew girls with jew parents.

that's a brave post, dear amy, and a wonderful one at that.

I promise you, your parents do not and could not EVER think you are stupid. and, I promise you that your parents brag to all of their friends about how talented and successful you are! how proud of you they are. the problem is the disconnect in telling you.

it's not fair. it's not right and it sucks. ass. really, it does.

one day when you least expect it, they'll tell you. don't hold your breath of course, but that day will come.

Nicky said...

Dear Amy's Parents,
She's doing ok. I promise.
Love,
Nicky

Vicki (Amy's Mom) said...

It has taken me several days to think about this response. I wanted the words to be just right. So here goes.
Never let it be said that we think you are stupid or idiotic. What might be interpreted as tying to interfer or nagging, is really nothing more that concern.
You are so far away and we are going to worry and fret about you. Just accept it. That won't change. It's what parents do.
But we are so very proud of you and all that you have accomplished in your young life. Success is measured in so many different ways by different people. But when all is said and done, what really matters is that you are happy and content in you heart and your world is a good place.
Sometimes we assume that others know what is in our hearts, and therefore don't voice them. So before all the world, at least this internet world, let me say that we are so proud of you. And we really do tell everyone about you and your book (and no they can't borrow my copy to read. They have to go buy their own copy.)
Always keep it with you in your heart that we love you dearly and miss you and are so very proud of you and only want for you to be truly happy.
Mom