Feb 12, 2008


There's a wee rumor going around that I am 90-Day Jane. Sorry. Not me. I'm not killing myself, and I'm certainly not going to kill myself before Pilcrow Lit Fest happens in May or before my second book comes out, though that might do wonders for sales.

I wonder sometimes what it feels like to die. I guess we all wonder that. Not physically, because that is circumstantial. I mean mentally. Intellectually. Emotionally. Where I'm sitting right this minute, I hear a guitar, and see snow out the window and it's lovely and at this second, I'd guess death, a peaceful one anyway, might feel like a cross between the fade out in a movie and the fade out in fainting. But, that's only if I sat here and died right this second and how almost lovely that might be to go out in a peaceful note.

But again, I have a lot to live for. I don't want to die anytime soon.

I thought I was about to die once. That wreck I mention sometimes, the second before we all smashed together, "okay, this is it" was in my head, and it was almost a surrender and almost a fight, but neither really. And, I wonder about that. If I would have died right there in that impact, what would that feel like? Would it have been the crash-bam then fade out that happened and I just wouldn't have woken up? Or, would there be a surge of something final, like in the final second you're alive, everything in the world makes sense and you enjoy a split second on wisdom and then you're dead? Who knows. Or maybe your brain steps in and saves you and gives you whatever final moment you expect.

I know I would be really disappointed to die at the moment and I can only think that if I were to die right now that my final moment would be one of regret. "Damnit," I'd think, "I thought there was a lot ahead."

So, I'm not killing myself. I'm not 90-Day Jane. I wonder what it feels like to die, but I'm not curious enough to go find out just yet.


sparkypoo said...

Wow, so weird! But I can see where the rumor would circulate--ONLY in that the picture on her blog COULD resemble you in an artsy-fartsy sort of pose.
But yeah, you've been working wayyy too hard to off yourself before the festival. ;)
(sorry, it's my dark humor streak surfacing there)

Adam Deutsch said...

Thanks for not dying!

Nicky said...

Yeah I can see how the rumor got started based on her photos, although anyone who reads like, half a page down would see that she clearly lives in LA.

Surely at this point someone she knows has recognized her, right? What a strange blog.

I also wonder often about dying in the same way you are writing about. But, also like you, not enough to want to off myself anytime soon.

Mermaidhead said...

That blog is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen, and I worked in the ER for 5 years. I am probably the most relaxed person when it comes to death. I have no anxiety or trepidation about the workings of it, actually, I think it deserves our reverence and respect. That woman, should she be serious, is mentally ill.

Bubs said...

1) I'm SO glad you're not 90-day Jane. Good lord.

2) I agree with Mermaidhead about that blog being one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. I wish you'd put a bit of a warning up in front of that link--I didn't realize what I was clicking on, and now I feel soiled having seen that. Almost like seeing a snuff film.

3) I love your musings on what those final moments are like. I've seen a number of people at the final moment, and it's been different every time--some of them seem like they're kicking and screaming, and some almost smile as they fade away. Too bad there's only one way to find out for sure, huh?

We can't wait until the festival!

Paul said...

Yeah, we'll all find out what that feels like soon enough. No need to rush it -- I've got pies to eat.

Anonymous said...

We wuz horn-swaggled....


jewgirl said...

it was almost a surrender and almost a fight, but neither really. That is a gorgeous sentence.

I KNOW you're not 90-day-jane. I've hit her blog and it's really disturbing and sad. If it's a marketing strategy for something else, it's kinda brilliant in a severely creepy way.

Your thoughts and feelings about the moments before you die are beautiful. For a dame incapable of finding peace re: death, it gave me a new idea to consider. I'm glad you wrote about it.

PS: Thrilled you're not peeling. You have sooo much living to do and you do it so well.