Nov 17, 2007

"ANYTHING IS HARD TO FIND"

You guys know I don't play around with the cleaning. My house is clean, period.

I walked into my kitchen this morning the there is a smell like a dead-for-days truckstop ratwhore crawled up a skunk's ass and died again. I'm digging through cabinets and drawers thinking I'd surely find a dead ratwhore and can't find a thing. So, I decide I need coffee to process this very unforch situation a little better. I flip on the coffee pot and the space between the glass carafe and the heating area below suddenly starts to steam and sizzle and this smell goes from dead rat whore burried in a skunk to dead rat whore burried in a skunk then locked in a Port-o-Shitter in the Central Park in August. Oy vey, I have no idea what got onto the bottom of my coffee pot, but the entire thing has been disassembled, bleached (the inside was fine, but why take chances?) and reassembled. What could that have been? My first thought was that maybe my cat peed on my coffee pot, but where this spot was, there's no way. He would have had to lift the carafe out, shrink his butt to fit inside the heating area, then pee. Plus, it wasn't cat pee smell. It was dead ratwhore.

So, my current hypothesis is that I set something haaarible on my countertop, the set the glass carafe down between washing it and returning it to the coffee pot and somehow got some haaarible something on the bottom outside of the glass. But what? Ya'd think I'd notice if I brought home a sack of dead rat whores from the supermarket, no?

I might just buy myself the new fancy coffee pot I've wanted a long while and remove any traces of the dead rat whore coffee pot. Baruch the fuck haShem I didn't drink whatever that was.

5 comments:

jewgirl said...

dead ratwhore. that is so fucking funny, guthy. I'm howling from this.

PS: baruch the fuck hashem is right up there with mazel to the tizzov. (I see t's)

pss: buy a percolator. brand spankin' new on the bay of e. it's the divineiest of squeezed beans.

Adam Deutsch said...

I second the percolator. I love mine so much, I'm writing it an Ode. Further, you can get a Farberware with a grinder for a little less than just the pot itself. It will out live us all.

Listen to the jewgirl.
She knows what she's going on about.

Tamar said...

first of all, I think I love you (but only if you really don't come home from the grocery store with bags of ratwhores). Second, when I was in college there was the foulest smell ever coming from underneath my fridge, and after a week of it slowly getting stronger and stronger to the point of it being something you could actually smell from the fucking hall way, maintenance had to come in and stanley steamer that shit. and I STILL don't know what the fuck it was.
Also, I too love "baruch the fuck hashem."

Mermaidhead said...

That picture of the guys smelling the armpits makes me sick! You always have something interesting to look at over here...and, BTW, at work we had a really bad smell that just would not go away and it turned out to actually be a dead rat in the ductwork!! Super yuch!

therapydoc said...

you weirdo. when did you start blogging again? I was JUST going to link over to you to plug you as a writer and it appears you are, indeed, writing.

okay, not sure when it'll go up, but be ware of traffic. look both ways.