Jun 19, 2007

"I DON'T MIND IF YOU FORGET ME KNOCK IT OFF"

My usual coffee shop is having WiFi issues today, so I have moved to another one nearby. I have to admit, as much as I like the usual one, this one is rather cool and they have a lot of vegetarian food. Hmm. Maybe kids, this is the new era of work environments!

However, a dude just sat down next to me, looked over at my laptop (not subtly) a few times, and began bouncing his legs with such force that my latte and laptop started shaking. You can't just waltz into a place and jiggle a woman's latte. Hello? I had a little cup of ice water sitting here, too, and it was shaking enough to create a noise as the ice shakes. I am the first to admit I am on the particular/quirky/anal-retentive side, but for reals. Even the woman sitting on the other side of me noticed, as her laptop was shaking, too. She and I started exchanging wide-eyed glances, both unsure what to do.

Where is this in the etiquette books? Well, just as I was about to say, "Pardon me, sir, would you mind doing that with a bit less gusto? You're shaking our (prepared to gesture to my laptops and the laptop next to me) tables." He hauled ass. Maybe he saw me type an email lamenting my situation and declaring I would use my mind control trick and enchant him to sit still by focusing on the phrase STOP FUCKING SHAKING YOUR LEGS OR I WILL GIVE YOU ARABIAN GOGGLES WITH YOUR OWN NUTSACK.

Wow, look how well being passive-aggressive works. And, unintentional pass-agg, to boot. Who knew?

27 comments:

Lee said...

Nah - he just suddenly realized he had more important people to go bother ;)

He was a neo-Luddite?

Did you ever post pics of your tattoo(s)?

I've been remiss in reading your blog.

Sizzle said...

way to use the mind mojo!

Doctor Bean said...

Hahahaha! "Arabian goggles?" I must google that.

If someone is tapping or shaking the table or chair I'm using I go absolutely crazy. I would have had to move to a different table if the guy didn't leave.

Amy Guth said...

Doc, do NOT Google it at work. Oy gevalt, please do not. In fact, you might regret ever knowing about it. Ha.

Doctor Bean said...

I've googled. At work. I regret.

Note to self: read this at home from now on. Ms Guth is a potty-mouth.

Amy Guth said...

Doc, I blame Ma Guth:

See the third paragraph.

beckymotew said...

It was probably some other writer trying to hold you back.

Go, girl.

Doctor Bean said...

Nah. I'm not a writer, and I'd never imagine trying to hold Ms. Guth back.

Re the third paragraph to which you link: [inserts both index fingers in ears] I can't hear you!

sparkypoo said...

Oh man, I had to go to Urban Dictionary only to discover that I had indeed heard this phrase before. You are a bad influence, Ms. Guth! ;)

Eric Spitznagel said...

I'm still stuck on how you could give someone Arabian goggles using their own nutsack. That's got to be the most uncomfortable yoga position ever. If you managed to pull it off, you should be directing shows for Cirque du Soleil.

Adam Deutsch said...

I know a woman who's mother has said "donkey punch" on more than one occasion. Her context: as her husband leaves the room, "Do you think he'll give me a donkey punch later?"

Moms are so creative these days.

jeremayakovka said...

What's "arabian goggles"?

Amy Guth said...

Lee-- I will post tattoo pic soon. I have a few tiny details to get finished with it first.

Siz-- Thanks!

Doc-- I tried to warn.

Becky-- Thanks! I went!

Sparkypoo-- As if! You were corrupted long before I metcha, lamb. :)

Spitzy-- (chop, chop) See the Frieda character in my little Three Fallen Women...?

Adam D.-- That's one hip mama, your friend has.

Amy's Mom said...

It's always the mothers' fault! And it this case it probably is. But I think I have been quite good lately. I have only called one really old fart, that was going 10 mph down the highway ,in the middle of the road, taking up both lanes,a Rat Fucker. And he just waved back like I was his best friend or something.

I,too, am anxious to see the tatoo.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my...such venom toward the nutsack! Honey, Guthie baby, don't u realize that w/o Daddy's nutsack (where u began - YES) there'd be no potty-mouth Amy??

;)

Amy Guth said...

Just venon towards the owner of that particular nutsack. I'm otherwise quite pro-nutsack.

Amy Guth said...

But, thanks, Anon., for bringing up my Dad's junk. Ugh. Ha.

Anonymous said...

but not to mean pro-patriarchal nutsack? ;)

Anonymous said...

ur f*cking funny! i think i like u. i really really like u!

Amy Guth said...

Eh, I'm over the patriarchy. Women are worse to each other anymore than men are, it seems. Unforch, but true. I try to love everyone, but man, sometimes people just want to pull everyone else down, so it feels like a hopeless cause sometimes. :(

Amy Guth said...

I'm sure I'd like you too.. if I knew who you were. Hmm.... I wonder.

Anonymous said...

oh, u can't be that pessimistic, can u, angel?

Maybe u ran out of coffee or otherwise had a bad day. It's one of those half-full/half-empty things: just depends on the day.

there's always hope for the human race, but we sure friggin' push it. eh?

it'll be better tomorrow; you'll see, my sweet.

promise.

Amy Guth said...

Yeah, i had a run-in with a meanie today... I was over-the-top nice to her, and she was catty. Always throws me for a loop.

Nice back-and-forthing with youse, Anon. Come back anytime. :)

Anonymous said...

of course, who wouldn't be enchanted when they heard u say u write in ur underwear...hmmmm...tawdry, tantalizing, titillating = guth-ish!

Amy Guth said...

I just write without fabric on my legs. Shots, skirts, etc. Shame, shame on that dirty mind, Anon.

(I would pay to know who this bold one is)

Anonymous said...

so, we're talking price now?

honeypie, this is priceless!

Amy Guth said...

Figurative. Can't get extort turnips, etc.

I just wonder, is all.